Weekly Readings with Catholic Fundamentalist Interpretation

Readings, November 25, 2007

2 Samuel
Chapter 5 1 All the tribes of Israel came to David in Hebron and said: "Here we are, your bone and your flesh. 2 In days past, when Saul was our king, it was you who led the Israelites out and brought them back. And the LORD said to you, 'You shall shepherd my people Israel and shall be commander of Israel.'" 3 When all the elders of Israel came to David in Hebron, King David made an agreement with them there before the LORD, and they anointed him king of Israel.

Catholic Fundamentalism Interpretation:

The Tribes had to, like their neighbors, become a Kingdom in order to maximize their defensive abilities against other kingdoms that could field larger armies.  The Programmer told Samuel who would be King, and later replaced Saul with David because of his obedience.  The people saw only David's military success, and agreed. 

The elders anointed him King of Israel, but only because The Programmer had previously done so.  

 

Reading II

Colossians
Chapter 1 12 1 giving thanks to the Father, who has made you fit to share in the inheritance of the holy ones in light. 13 He delivered us from the power of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. 15 2 He is the image 3 of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For in him 4 were created all things in heaven and on earth, the visible and the invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers; all things were created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 He is the head of the body, the church. 5 He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in all things he himself might be preeminent. 19 For in him all the fullness 6 was pleased to dwell, 20 and through him to reconcile all things for him, making peace by the blood of his cross 7 (through him), whether those on earth or those in heaven.

Catholic Fundamentalism Interpretation:

Give thanks to The Loving Programmer, who has programmed you with the ability to download salvation.  He transferred you from the self-destructing operating system to the operating system that allows you to download Him forever, saving us by forgiving our sins.  He is the utterly perfect, loving Program of The Unseen Programmer, the first of all programs.  Within The Program are all the lesser programs, ones we can see and can't see, including all the degrees of Sub-Programmers (angels) and all physical programs.

     The Program takes precedence of all other programs, and keeps the other programs operating seamlessly together.  The Program is also the head of His Body on earth, The Roman Catholic Church.  The Program is (still) The Beginning, the first erased program to be reinstalled so that He continues to be The Program of programs.  For all the sub-programs were pleased to operate within Him, and through Him, all operated flawlessly together, making the programs on earth and in Heaven stay in operating perfection by His sacrifice. 



Gospel

Luke
Chapter 23 35 The people stood by and watched; the rulers, meanwhile, sneered at him and said, "He saved others, let him save himself if he is the chosen one, the Messiah of God." 36 Even the soldiers jeered at him. As they approached to offer him wine 37 they called out, "If you are King of the Jews, save yourself." 38 Above him there was an inscription that read, "This is the King of the Jews." 39 1 Now one of the criminals hanging there reviled Jesus, saying, "Are you not the Messiah? Save yourself and us." 40 The other, however, rebuking him, said in reply, "Have you no fear of God, for you are subject to the same condemnation? 41 And indeed, we have been condemned justly, for the sentence we received corresponds to our crimes, but this man has done nothing criminal." 42 Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." 43 He replied to him, "Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise."




Catholic Fundamentalism Interpretation:

The people stood and watched The Program hang in agony on the cross.  Rulers, to maintain their pitiful status, made fun of Him.  "He fixed the operating systems of others, let Him fix his own, if He is The Programmer's Program."

Soldiers, who worked for the rulers, jeered, too.  As they approached to offer Him wine (that wine was drugged to dull the senses, and was rejected by the Servant, Who, even at the end, would not reduce His suffering), they said, "If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself."  Above him, a notice read, "This is the King of the Jews".  One of the criminals crucified by Him said, "Aren't you the Messiah?  Save yourself and us."  The other criminal rebuked him, "Have you no fear of The Programmer Who can condemn you, too?  Our errors were properly punished, but this man has done nothing criminal."  Then, he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into Your Kingdon."

The Perfect, Loving Program answered:  "So be it.  I say to you, today you will be uploaded with me right into the Eternal Operating System.