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FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:

     OUR CLIENTS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT ATTEMPTS MADE TO CUT TAXES, ELIMINATE PROGRAMS, AND REDUCE PUBLIC SPENDING. 

     YOUR LIES ARE AN IMPORTANT PART OF INCREASING THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE DEPENDENT ON UPON OUR CLIENTS.

     TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT IS TO CONSOLIDATE ALL THE SOCIAL SECURITY LIES AND ADD TO THEM.

Dr. Vermon Floater:   The smarter field beasts want to keep their money, rather than see a mere 15% of it taken from them and mostly wasted on Social Security, so we've got a lot of work to do.   But, before we get started, I'd like to introduce all of you to our newest member, Dr. Dick Dudewell.  As I'm sure you know, Dick is from Texas.  Even more importantly, he is on all the Lie Committees.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm shor' honored to be here tellin' polytickle lies.  Ah've been servin' on the other committees, and Ah want you ter know that all of us are in awe, yessuh, acshual awe, about the fine lies y'all have been tellin'.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Dick, can you tell the other members a little bit about yourself?  How you started lying, for instance.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah shor' can.  Ah started lyin' perfesshunally when Ah got on our School Board.  Ah pretended to be consurvative, 'n got other board members to vote for lower taxes."

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Excuse me for interrupting, but that's awful!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah know, Ah know, but y'all didn' let me finish, Miss Em'ly.   After we got lower taxes, the Superi'tendent comes up 'n says, "Mr. Dudewell, iffin Ah don' get a tax increase, Ah can't hire my brothers-in-law, and they'll keep livin' at mah house.  Iffin you vote for a tax increase, I'll hire any of your relatives that you want."

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Oh, I understand.  So, what happened, then?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Well, there warn't much goin' on in my hometown, Sludgewater Falls, out in West Texas.   The EPA 'n OSHA did what they was s'pos'ta, and closed down all the manufacturin'.  Made 'em shut down all the oil wells.  Closed down the mines.  Cut farmin' way back. 

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Sounds like they did a fine job!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Shore did.  Only thing lef' was Sludgewater Falls State.  It went from a teecher's collitch to Sludgewater Falls State University.  It had ter hire a new, Affirm'tive Action President who didn't speak English.  He traded me an honorary Sludgewater Falls doctorate and a tenured po-sition fer gettin' six of his Guatemalan relatives tenured teachin' positions in the school district.  Ah been hap'ly lyin' mah way all the way up ter the Lie Committees ever since.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  We're glad to have you with us, Dick.  You can do far more here than you ever could in Sludgewater Falls.  You see our problem.  The smarter fools are wanting to keep what they still think of as their own money.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Where do they get the idea that they can spend their money better than we can?  They just can't get it through their thick heads that we know what's best for them.  We know it.  Why don't they?

Dr. Vermon Floater:  At some level, they may know it and resent the fact that they are lower beings.  They are said to think they have feelings.  Maybe they resent being second class citizens.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Let's not talk about their 'feelin's'.  Hard to treat 'em they way we should when we think of 'em as havin' 'feelin's'.  But, we have ter see what they think they feel.  Or, feel they think.  Who knows what goes on in minds like that?  Bottom line, they jes' want more.  Ah thank we've got ter make 'em feel guilty iffin they don't give more money to the government to help the poor old pipple what's done so much fer 'em.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  I agree, Dick.  But, they must know that we hate poor people as much as we hate the rest of them.  Sometimes, I'd just like to get rid of all the smelly creatures.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Putin, what are you saying?  The more poor people, the better for us!  Making people poor gives welfare departments something to pretend to care about.  Poor people fill our jails.  We kill their babies.  We pretend to educate their children.  Poor people provide most of our jobs.  We need to make more poor people, Putin.  We can't kill the goose that lays the golden eggs.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Of course you're right.  It was more the working poor and the middle class I was thinking about.  They're the ones who still think they have rights.  They're the ones who think their precious Constitution means something.  If we can't drive them into poverty, we've got to replace them with immigrants whose votes can be bought with a few food stamps.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Putin is right.  The best way to get rid of the Social Security privatization issue is to drive lower and middle-class white people into abject poverty.  Make them understand that Social Security is all they have.  That's the best way.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah don' know.  Some of our most loyal supporters are lower middle whites lookin' fer gummit jobs.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Dick, our children need those jobs.  We don't want our children to be private-sector field beasts whining about 'rights'.  We need every single government job, especially in administrative positions, for our dependents.  Why, I'm supporting three or four relatives who can't find administrative jobs in any bureaucracy.  I've got to get them out of my basement!  We need more truly poor people to justify more bureaus.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm not arguin' wifin that.  Ah've got a whole bunch of relatives needin' administrative jobs, too.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  We all do.  But, enough about our ne'er-do-well relatives.  We need new lies to support Social Security.  Do you know how many administrative jobs there are in that department?  None of them are necessary, not a single one.  They need more than good lies.  They need great lies!

Dr. Vermon Floater:  So, how about some lies?  We've been going on and on about our own concerns, and we haven't provided a single new lie for clients.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  It's mighty hard.  Social Security is such a huge, magnificent lie all by itself that it's downright difficult to come up with a lie good enough to support it.  In Texas, we'd say that it's like throwin' a match on a county-wide grass fire. 

Dr. Vermon Floater:  I repeat, we need some actual lies.  I do have one.  I'm not proud of it, but it's a start:  "Social Security does make older people much poorer, and it keeps their children poorer, too.  That's good, because poverty helps humility, and humility increases our chances of getting into Heaven."  Not that I believe in Heaven, mind you, but I've heard that a lot of the field beasts do.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Some of the poor fools are so worried about gettin' into Heaven that they won't mind givin' up their money and their kids' money, too.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  I think someone in their religion said they should "give Caesar what is Caesar's".  If that's true, we should encourage it.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  If they actually take someone seriously who said that, why, those are the kind of fools we need.   The field beasts should be giving us a lot more than they are.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  I agree with that.  One of us will have to study up on this "give Caesar what is Caesar's" business.  Any volunteers?

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  I'll take a look at it.  I think I had an older relative who believed that stuff before we put her away.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Where'd you put her, Emily?

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Oh, you know, we went on a family vacation to Holland.  We only had to buy her a one-way ticket, but we didn't tell her that.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  If I might interrupt?  I'm new to this country, and to this committee.  I do not understand.  In my country, no one ever thought of giving money to old people.  We just let them die.  Social Security is a new concept to me.  Why do you do such a thing?

Dr. Vermon Floater:  A long time ago, we began turning the United States into a Communist country.  We started by promising to take money from their children and give it to old people if they'd vote for us.  Americans have been shafting their children ever since, never realizing that Social Security has turned them into child abusers.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  We've got the kids believing it's their duty!  The whole thing is insane.  Thank Baal that Public Education has made them unable to do basic math.  Rather than retire with a million dollars in cash plus a pension of a few thousand a month, we give them a few hundred dollars a month, and they worry so much about losing it they vote for the people who are stealing them blind!

Dr.  Emily St. Cloud:  On top of that, we make the old field beasts so short of money that they worry themselves to death for a few more pennies of Social Security.  Every early death saves us billions!  

Dr. Vermon Floater:  As an added plus, the homosexuals don't live long enough to get a nickle of their Social Security payments back!  Not a single one of them lives long enough to complain.  We'd like everyone to be a homosexual!   I should say "gay".

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  I had no idea you Americans were so clever!  You pretend to care about homosexuals, mask their early deaths by calling them "gay", and they think you care about them.  Then, you make them pay for Social Security benefits they'll never live long enough to collect.  All the while, you don't say a single word to keep them from killing themselves with self-inflicted diseases!  Truly, I see why you are a superpower and my own country can barely feed itself.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  'Course yer country cain't feed itself.  That's 'cause our gummit subsidizes farmers who got acerages half the size of a township to buy tractors 'n combines bigger'n houses.  They kin raise grain cheaper'n anybody.  Then, we dump it on international markets.  Why, there ain't hardly a country in the world that we've left with funcshunin' farms. 

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  While we're destroying them, we pay a bunch of dead-brain environmentalists to tell them how important it is to be "sustainable".  It's so much fun to be us!

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Since no one knows what that "sustainability" mumbo-jumbo means, we're able to turn whole continents into basket cases.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  We've got to stop digressing.  We've got a small minority of bright people in this country who realize that Social Security is a vicious fraud.  We have the job of convincing them that Social Security is a good thing.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Well, mebbe we just do nothin'.  Just say nothin'.  Social Security is close to the biggest lie any gummit ever told, 'n anything we say exposes a teeny leetle section of the fraud.  Sometimes, no lie at all is better than a bunch of little lies they can get their teeth into. 

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Dick, I wish I could think of a lie effective enough to point out where you're wrong, but I can't.  Social Security hurts every single person involved with it.  If we say anything good about it, radical bloggers will be all over it.  Maybe, the lie should be "We are examining and analyzing ways to improve Social Security."

Dr. Putin Chainz:  That's a nice, comforting kind of a lie.  It's a start.  Just say over and over "We are examining and analyzing ways to improve Social Security".  There's not one of our news-spewing morons who can't get that right.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  And, I will study that sentence about "giving Caesar what is Caesar's"  That sounds like a real winner, to me.  Who said that, Moses, Mohammed, Jesus, Buddha, or was it a bureaucrat?"

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  For many years, Ah passed as a Southern Baptist.  Ah'm pretty sure it was Jesus.  Sounds like something he'd say.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Using Jesus to turn 'em into patsies can work against us.  Don't those Amish believe in Jesus?  They got out of paying Social Security.  Why, they're buying up hundreds of thousands of farms with the money they save.  If we could get them paying Social Security, we could drive them into poverty, too.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Why do you let them get away without paying?

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  To make rest of the fools think they have freedom of religion.  That way, they couldn't, and can't, accuse us of being complete tyrants.  And, who really cares about a bunch of dirty, smelly yokels without hot water?

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  So, the best way to make your slaves think they're free is to let a few of them do a few things that no one else wants to do?

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Right.  There is some concern that the other field beasts may become Amish, since that's the only way to get out of paying Social Security, but they have to give up electricity, their cars, and nearly everything else they think is important before they can convince one of our courts that they are truly Amish.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  We don't just exempt the Amish from Social Security.  We made it so that they don't have to pay, or get paid, minimum wage.  They pay no unemployment compensation.  We use cheap Amish labor to destroy prosperous, rural communities the the same way we let Chinese slave labor destroy America's big manufacturers.

Dr.  Emily St. Cloud:  And, after the Amish have put all their neighbors out of work, they buy their farms for peanuts, have huge families, and their children go on to destroy other rural areas.  The Amish are better than cancer!

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Your government is brilliant!  You take fifteen percent of your workers' pay from them every year that they work, and just dribble back a few percent for the last few years of their lives.  All the while you further destroy them with illegal immigrants and Amish.  And, they think you're doing them a favor!  How do you get away with that?

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Public Education.  By the time they get out of school, they're utterly unable to figure simple interest.  They don't even know what compound interest is.  We just have our Congressoids and newsspewers tell 'em what a great deal they're getting, and that it's "secure".  We have that repeated a lot.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Once in a while, someone suggests that all government employees should have their pensions replaced with Social Security.  That would cause a revolution!  And, sometimes, people suggest that all taxpayers should get the same pensions that government people get.  There's not enough money in the world for that!

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  But, don't you say that there is "equality under the law?"

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Sure, we do.  We say it all the time.  What that means is that they are equal under the law. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  'N that means that they are equal to crap, iffin Ah may speak bluntly.  We, on the other hand, we're equal to Gods.  That's why we get to get everything we can from them.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Why do they put up with it?  I've only been here a few years, but you're stealing your field beasts blind!  And, they've got guns!  What keeps them from revolting?

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  I think I know.  I looked into that "render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's."  It was Jesus who said that.  He, the person they think is God, told them to 'love their enemies', so they have to love us!  That's why they don't revolt.  They're too scared of God!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Yup.  I 'member frum passin' as a Baptis'.  They's so scared of goin' to Hayl fer offendin' God that they love us.  Don' wanna miss out on their Kingdom of Heaven.  Dam' fools!

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Is there any chance they could be right?  I mean, having all that money taken from them and not shooting anybody?  It's incredible!  Could they be right?  Could this Kingdom exist?

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Of course not!  Our scientists have proven that there's nothing to it.  Better to have an eighty percent pension than spend twenty or thirty years living in the wretched poverty that most Social Security recipients live in.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm shor' not givin' up mah penshuns fer no pie in the sky.  That's what they believe, 'n we're real glad they do!

Dr. Putin Chainz:  What morons they are!  They work so hard at loving their enemies that the safest thing for us to do is let them know that we're their enemy.  The whole thing is crazy.  But, I've got a nice pension, and my wife's a public school teacher.  Together, we'll be drawing three or four hundred thousand a year in retirement, as much as dozens of field beasts.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  This is amazing.  I am so glad that the United Nations assigned me to this Sub-Committee as an official observer. 

Dr. Vermon Floater:  We are honored by your presence.  I hope you learn enough to go back and rob your own field beasts blind.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  It may not be that easy for us.  If anyone in our country believes that they should love their neighbor, let alone their enemy, or believes anything that Jesus taught, we execute them.  If we steal as much from our field beasts as you steal from yours, they will shoot us down like dogs.  I will encourage my government to work hard to help our people become Christians, so we can steal from them, too.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  If you can't get them to be Christians, you'd better get their guns away!

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  I just thought of something.  We mail the social security checks to the older field beasts, don't we?

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  I haven't the vaguest idea.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank tha's how they be gettin' em.

Dr.  Emily St. Cloud:  That's how my grandmother got hers.  In the mail.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Why make it easy for the fools?  Let's make the field beasts pick them up.  Tell them, "Social Security is so important that personal participation in check pick-up is vital."

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  At the Post Office?

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  I think they should have to go to the nearest County Seat.  Give each of them a time to show up.  If they don't get there on time, no checky-check.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank tha's a mag'if'cen' idee! 

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  Let's make them travel to their state capitol.  And, stand outside.  Maybe camp out for a week or so!  Then, we can sell them "mailing permits" so they can get them in the mail, like they used to.

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  You American bureaucrats are geniuses!  Oh, the joy of making their lives sad and miserable!  Who can do it better?

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:

     CLIENTS THINK TAXPAYERS ARE HAVING TOO MANY CHILDREN.  EVERY CHILD IS A TAX DEDUCTION THAT REDUCES AVAILABLE FUNDING.  WORSE, MANY MOTHERS STOP WORKING WHEN THEY HAVE A CHILD.  THAT CUTS TAX RECEIPTS, ESPECIALLY FOR SOCIAL SECURITY. 

     OUR CLIENT NEEDS LIES TO CONVINCE PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE EITHER TOO YOUNG OR TOO OLD TO HAVE CHILDREN.

     LIE WELL, LIE OFTEN.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  As Director of this important Sub-Committee, I appreciate the confidence reposed in us.  The lies must be simple, confusing, and result in lower birth rates among the tax-paying population.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Won't the field beasts be mad?  I mean, what if one or two of the brighter ones figure out that fewer children mean less money for their own Social Security accounts?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah wouldn't worry 'bout that.  We'll have drained Social Security by the time the fools're old enough to get it.  We'll just tell a big, bald-faced lie:  "Fewer children make a stronger system."  The fools are natchurally selfish.  Lots of 'em don't want to be bothered with nuffin' that'll get in the way of buyin' what they want, 'n they're lookin' for any excuse not to have children.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  In my country, we have lowered birth rates to zero.  Soon, there will be no more Russians, and we will have reached the "depersonalized equilibrium" that environmentalists have targeted as their goal. 

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Here, we have to make the fools get rid of themselves.  To lower our birth rates, the Education Sub-Committee should force people to be certified to get any kind of a job.  Keep them in schools for decades to learn simple things that their parents learned in a week.  Make them borrow money to pay their tuition.  By the time they pay it back, they'll be too old to have children.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  And, we can have a bunch of news/talk shows focusing on "the incurability of stretch marks after 30", or some silly poppycock like that.  We tell 'em that they shouldn't have a child before they're 28 or after they're 31.  A lot of 'em will believe it.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah've got a good one!  We'll make it illegal to get married befor' the age of 28.  Raisin' the age of marriage keeps people who could be payin' taxes from havin' kids 'n avoidin' taxes.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  We can come up with some medical lies, as well.  Here's one:  "Human eggs are not fully formed until the age of 28.  They begin to decay rapidly at the age of 30.  This decay is progressive.  By the time a woman is thirty five, any children she may have are almost statistically certain to be morons."

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  I love it!  I just love it!  Let's put a new tax on them!  It's only fair.  If a woman has a child when she's younger than 28 or older than 31, the other taxpayers may have to bear the burden of defective citizens.  A sliding scale of charges should be put in place.  That's the "fair thing to do".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah lak it!  Iffen they're 32 and have a baby, we fine 'em ten thousand dollars.  Iffen they're 40, we fine them a hunnerd thousand and take their house.  We can reduce the number of tax deductions, increase the number of tax payers, and get a whole new income stream! 

Dr. Putin Chainz:  If pregnant women of the wrong age knew they were going to be fined for, let's call 'em "Out Of Prime" babies, they'd have more abortions. We could get kickbacks on the increased business from our friends at FamPlan!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Emily n' Putin, that is marvelous lyin'!  Top drawer!  Death and taxes, too!  What could be better than that?

Dr.   Vermon Floater:  Why don't we stop adjusting their pensions for inflation? 

Dr.  Emily St. Cloud:   Vermon, that's wonderful.  If there's three percent inflation, by the time they die, their social security checks will be worthless!

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  Won't they be mad?

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  WE THINK THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA!  BUT, IT'S POLITICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.  SO MANY OF THE OLD FIELD BEASTS VOTE THAT, IF THEY'RE MAD, THEY MIGHT UNSEAT SOME CONRESSOIDS.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah got a good 'un.  Let's take stuff that's goin' up reel fas', lak gazzoline 'n food 'n electricicals, 'n recalculate inflashun wiffout puttin' 'em in. 

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  So, the real rate of inflation, with those things included, might be ten or fifteen percent, but we'll only give them, say, three percent?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Tha's it!  They're so dum they'll think that they'll be gettin' more, but they'll acshually be gettin' less.

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu: Surely, they cannot be that dumb!

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  They are!  We'll save trillions!  Why, if we increased their pensions at the actual rate of inflation, they'd be getting two, three times what they'll be if we do it Dick's way!

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  What about the organizations that look out for old peoples' well-being?  Won't they complain because all their retirees pensions are cut by more than than half?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  You meen like them pipple art AAARRRPP?  Heck's fire, they's all wurkin' fer us.  They'll tell the ol' field beasts what a good deal they's gettin', 'n they'll beeleeve 'em!

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  What a great country you have!

OUR CLENTS ARE PLEASED WITH THIS LIE.  THEY HAVE REQUESTED SOME HIGH-LEVEL LIES TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK BEING DEPENDENT ON GOVERNMENT IS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.  WE MUST FURTHER UNDERMINE THE DESIRE FOR INDEPENDENT THINKING.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  We're already doin' a lot of that on the Education Sub-Committee.  We're fixin' it so the l'il basta'ds won't be able to read 'n write, hardly a'tall.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Dick, I think we need to go beyond that.  We need lies to make them think that wanting to do anything on their own is both dangerous and anti-social.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  That's right.  Acting independently is, by definition, "anti-social". 

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  We know that, but how do we get it across.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  When I came to this country, I noticed that many Americans admired inventors.  Like Thomas Edison.  Eli Whitney.  Alexander Graham Bell.  Those kind of people should disappear from history books.  We should get students to understand that new things are disruptive, and should be discouraged.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  I agree.  And, it's the smarter people who can do such disrupting things.  They should be despised, not respected.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  That's right.  Who do these smart people think they are, anyway?  Going around and making new things and thinking new thoughts.  The old ways should be good enough for everyone.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  The only way to be truly smart is to look smart.  Clothes and hair arrangements are the most important part of living.  People who do not look good are not good.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tha's right.  We wan' 'em to be shallow.  We wan' 'em to think that lookin' good is better than bein' good, and that bein' bad is even better.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Then, get them convinced that tattoos, orange hair, and nuts, bolts, pins, and needles stuck in their bodies make them look best of all.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  That's it!  Make them wear the lie!  Make them brand themselves with the lie!  Make them undermine themselves every time they look in a mirror.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  And, compliment them for tearing themselves down.  Destroy all pride and self-respect.  I'd like to see every person forced to tattoo twenty percent of their skin.  That way, there wouldn't be any untattooed people thinking that they were better.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  I like that, Teefertu.  But, what if they don't want to?

Dr. Vermon Floater:  We could make it a requirement for school admission.  Let's start out with pre-schoolers and have their names and and addresses tattooed on their arms.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Vermon, that won't fly.  Some of the smarter parents'll say:  "We're going to be moving, and it would confuse li'l Cody to have three or four addresses tattooed on his arms."  'N it will, 'specially since l'il Cody won't ever know how to read n' write.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Then, we make them get SS numbers, and start by tattoing them with that.  For "safety" reasons. 

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Then, we tattoo them with their blood types.  And, IQs.  That way, we can be sure that only the dumbest children are put into advanced classes and vice versa.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That'll fly.  When we get some depraved moron with a doctorate to say "It's to help the children.", the fools'll believe it as much as they believe "It's for your own good."  Ah jes' wish we could tattoo their foreheads, but that'll make some of the parents too mad.  We'll jes' tattoo their hands 'n arms.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  As they go through the grades, we can add tattoos about the subjects they've taken, grades they've gotten, and their mandated lifetime employee assignments.  By the time the little bastards get out of high school, we should have both their arms tattooed from wrist to elbow.  And, we'll put down everything they did wrong.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  If they are blind, let's tattoo them with raised ridges, like braille tattoos.  Mustn't deprive the handicapped of an equal opportunity!

Dr. Vermon Floater:  That's wonderful!  They'll all be so constantly reminded of their past failures that they won't care about their futures.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Not iffin we don' teach 'em how to read what's tattooed on 'em!

FIELD BEASTS HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT SWARMS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.  THEY ARE TAKING JOBS AND INCREASING THE TAX BURDENS ON SCHOOLS, HOSPITALS, AND TRANSPORTATION.  OUR CLIENT NEEDS LIES TO MAKE TAXPAYERS THINK THIS FLOOD OF LOW-WAGE WORKERS IS HELPING THEM.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  This is going to be hard!  Why, it's dam' near 'mpossible fer 'merican kids ter find jobs 'cause the illegals are doin' all the work the 'merican kids'd be doin'.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  It is going to be hard.  Why, every time a boy rides a school bus past a construction site, all he sees are immigrants doing jobs he'll never get. 

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Good!  We want them to think that life is hopeless, and this will help.  Every day, young people must feel more hopeless.  

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Yes, we don't want little boys growing up to think they have to get jobs and support families.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  That's right.  The only jobs available for native-born Americans should be in drug distribution.  Then, we can catch them and put them in jail, where they belong.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  How we gonna make a, oh, Ah don' know, carpenter or butcher, fer instance, think he's better off after he loses his job ter an illegal immigrant?

Dr. Vermon Floater:  While they're sitting around the house on unemployment, we'll have our talk show subordinates tell them that "now they're free to utilize their creative ability."

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  And, after they go broke trying that, they'll have to steal or sell drugs to make money, and we can put them in jail.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Y'all are sure in a hurry to put all the Americans in jail, Teefertu.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Oh, yes.  Every jailed American is an employment opportunity for one of my relatives.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  I'd like to see every American man in jail.  For all these years, they've only been able to be successful by taking advantage of women.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah don' know iffin we're treatin' y'all that bad, Emily.  After all, we've made it illegal for a bunch of women to work over l'il girls with a sharpened tablespoon to scrape out their clitorises like they do in a lot of them ay-rab countries.  On top of that, we ain't allowing our wimminfolk to be sold into slavery.  Er get kilt fer 'honor'.  

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Dick, do I get the impression that you don't want to do everything in your power to help your government?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Oh, Ah believe in bigger Gumment.  Ah shorely do.  Ah just wish that Emily could see that she was better off livin' here than in some country where she wouldn't be allowed to talk, much less vote.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Dr. Dudewell, I must protest!  You know that no liberated women will ever allow herself to contemplate the fact that billions of women who are vastly worse off should make her "thankful" to the earlier generations of disgusting American men who protected women just to help themselves.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah just don' think Ah should be in jail.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  And, of course you shouldn't.  You, after all, are willing to destroy the jobs and status of other American males to enrich yourself.   In fact, after Benedict Arnold, I think I like you most of all.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Emily, are you making a pass at Dick?

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Do you think I'd tell you if I was?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah know Ah wouldn't tell.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  That's because you are a gentleman.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  They are flirting!  We are not supposed to have feelings for anyone, let alone each other.  

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Can it, Teefertu.  After all, iffen yer country was worf lootin' 'n destroyin', we'da been over there doin' just that.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: 

     AS YOU KNOW, AN ONGOING POLITICAL OBJECTIVE IS TO REPLACE GOD WITH GOVERNMENT.  WE HAVE DESTROYED HIS RULERS, WEAKENED HIS CHURCH, AND REDUCED HIS CREDIBILITY. 

     NOW, THERE IS A HARD PHILOSOPHICAL PROBLEM TO OVERCOME.  A RELIGIOUS FANATIC HAS SUGGESTED THAT "GOD CAN PROGRAM IN THREE DIMENSIONS." 

     THIS COULD BECOME A THREAT.  WE NEED TO UNDERMINE THIS IDEA AND ALL THAT CAN LOGICALLY BE EXTENDED FROM IT.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank we got a reely big prollum.  Iffin the fools start to unnerstan' that "God can program in three dimensions", they might thank that He made the world.

Dr. Bernon Floater:  It's worse than that.  If God could program in three dimensions, He'd have been able to make the whole universe in a week, like their you-know-what says.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  This is terrible!  Hundreds of years of Rousseau, Darwin, Marx, Freud, all down the drain from one sentence!

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  I do not understand.  Why is this so bad?

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Use your head, Teefertu.  If God can program in three dimensions, He could make particles.  You know how you have a screen-saver on your computer?  If God could program in three dimensions, we might be living in a universe-sized, 3-D screen saver that God programmed in a week.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  We have to tell the fools that something this simple can't possibly be true.  We can let them know that this whole thing is a fraud, cooked up by a Catholic Fundamentalist, the worst kind of untrained fanatic.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Like our global-warming experts?

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Dick, this is no time for sarcasm.  Anyone who supports us is a scientist, anyone who disagrees is a sham.  We have thousands of scientists on retainer who can undermine this bizarre notion.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah don't know how they can.  As soon as somebudy objects, a Catholic Fundamentalist jes' says, "Well, He programmed it that way."

Dr. Putin Chainz:  I see what you mean.  If we tell the fools "Carbon-14 dating proves the world is 40 billion years old.", they shoot back:  "He programmed it to act that way."

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  But, why?  Why would He go to all that trouble?

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Some of their faiths believe in free will.  They would say "God wanted to provide a universe to provide each person with free will, so they could choose Him, or not."  In my country, we think that is a heresy.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  I understand.  No matter what argument we use against them, those Catholic Fundamentalists just say, "He programmed it that way.  If you choose to see the universe as a series of accidents that began a long time ago, you're free to do so."  Then, they get that know-it-all tone, and say "It's all in the Bible."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  This idea that "God can program in three dimensions." is a reel big prollum.  There's no way to contr'dic' it.  The field beasts are redefinin' God in computer terms.  It's reelly no diff'rent than the "unmoved mover" stuff they talked about a thousand years ago.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  And, that idea put us back for centuries.  Blast Aquinas!  And the Aristotle he rode in on.  Who'd have thought they'd have come up with something as clever as "God can program in three dimensions."

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Maybe our lie should be:  "Of course God can program in three dimensions, but only if you define Him that way."

Dr. Vermon Floater:  That's a start.  Then, we imply that only a credulous fool would do so. 

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Yes, but I've heard that some of the fools say "I am a fool for Christ."  Some of the fools are actually proud of that. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah agree.  It ain't much of a start.  We got to remember that half the fools are on our side, half on the other.  Iffin they jus' convince a couple or so percent of the herd that they'll go to hell fer votin' fer liars and thieves, we're gonna lose more elections.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  That might cut funding!  We can use our old favorite, "It's a circular argument."  That leaves our side something to say.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Yes, but it's such a big circle.  You know, it holds all of space and time in it, and can't be contradicted.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Emily, whose side are you on?  If we can't undermine them by saying their argument is "circular", what can we say?

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Putin, this is the biggest problem I've seen.  No matter how I think of it, it is possible that a three-dimensional programmer could have programmed everything.  There's no way around it.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Y'all are as stuck as Ah am.  Iffin a bein' could program in three dimensions, wal, that's possible.  But, how do pipple have babies?  Are they programmers, too?

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  If there was a Programmer like that, he could make replicating programs.  That would explain how things are going along the way they are. 

Dr. Putin Chainz:  I don't like this.  I don't like it at all.  The fools have reversed everything.  Instead of admitting they can't prove there's a God, they're saying, "It's reasonable that there's a three dimensional Programmer, and you can't prove there isn't one who programmed the universe, and us in it."  They've taken the offensive.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah hates it when they do that!  Ah hates it!

Dr. Vermon Floater:  We can't disprove it.  And, with a phrase like "replicating programs", I hope they never think of that, they can explain how and why plants and animals are able to propagate. 

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Vermon, it's even worse!  Pre-programmed variations could explain what we call 'evolution'.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  That's right!  If Catholic Fundamentalists think God can program in three dimensions, evolution loses credibility.  So does geology.  All of our pseudo-intellectual support systems are undermined, once the fools believe that "God can program three dimensional particles".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  What Ah hate is that it's so seemple.  One lousy sentence destroyin' ever'thin'.  They ain't a field beast in West Texas too dumb to unnerstan' it.  What it does, it gives credibility to what they've been believin' all along.   

Dr. Putin Chainz:  What's worse it that we can't contradict it.  What are we going to say, "It's impossible for there to be a being who could program three dimensional particles?"  They'll ask, "How do you know?", and what will we say? 

Dr. Vermon Floater:  We'll tell 'em it's ridiculous, that it's a fanciful way to explain away a lot of religious mythology, that, well, we'll call it all the names we ever called it.

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  You know, I can't get it out of my mind.  I just think about it all the time.  I look at the sun, and I say to myself "Rotating program for light emission".  I look at the planets, and I say, "Rotating programs for light absorbtion."  I look at all the parts of earth, and conclude, "programmed for sustaining free will programs."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Emily, get ahold of yourself.  It's ridiculous.  You aren't a child.  You're an experienced liar, one of the best in the world. 

Dr. Emily St. Cloud:  Don't you see, Dick?  I know lies better than almost anyone.  I can tell this could be truth.  I never believed in truth, never thought I'd like truth, but this could be truth.  I can almost see it, something shimmering in the distance.  I can't think of a single thing to contradict it, and I don't know if I want to.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR. FLOATER, THIS SESSION IS ENDED.  WE WILL RECONVENE WITH NEW MEMBERS AT THE SCHEDULED TIME.

Personnel file inclusion:  Dr. Emily St. Cloud has been one of our most experienced, versatile liars.  She has indicated that she may have a tendency toward truth.  She must be watched.  Until her loyalites are verified, Dr. St. Cloud may not attend future sessions.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  I want to let you all know that The Executive Committee has assigned a replacement for Dr. Emily St. Cloud, who's on vacation.  Dr. Rhonda Honda comes to us from Kyoto Multiversity, where she developed the Theory of Nullifying Elections Because of Mind-altering Pollutants and had it turned into law.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah've heard of that!  It's one of the best ideas ever!  Any time the fools dare to elect someone we don't like, her brilliant theory allows us to reverse the election on the grounds that voters' brains had been addled by pollution.  Brilliant!

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  I am so glad that you like my little lie.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Little lie!  I should say NOT!  It gives us complete control of what some of the fools still think of as 'democracies'.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  In my country, we are using your research to maintain complete control of taxation.  The fools can do nothing!  Nothing!  Oh, sure, they whine and complain, but we have legislation for mandatory medication and surgery when necessary.  Now, we have a nation of brainless sheep.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah think we could use a l'il more of them 'brainless sheep' in the good ol' You Ess of A. 

Dr. Vermon Floater:  A lot more, Dick.  A LOT more!

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  OUR LAST MEETING ENDED WITHOUT A SERIES OF LIES TO COUNTER THE INSANE NOTION THAT 'GOD CAN PROGRAM IN THREE DIMENSIONS, AND THAT'S HOW HE MADE EVERYTHING IN A WEEK.'  WE FEEL THIS IDEA MUST BE THOROUGHLY DISCREDITED BEFORE MORE OF THE FOOLS COME IN CONTACT WITH IT.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah guess we got some hard lyin' ahead of us.  Any ideas?

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  In my country, we convinced the fools that the world had no beginning and no end.  It goes on forever, just like their wretched souls.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  That's a good approach with proven benefits.  It has, of course, turned into a religion that keeps a billion people in absolute poverty.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  This is very perplexing.  In reviewing notes from the last session, I understand that if God can program in three dimensions, he can make particles.  Obviously, the world is made out of particles.  Why?  What would be the reason?

Dr. Vermon Floater:  The fools have an answer.  The largest Christian denomination insists that "God made the world so we would have the joy of knowing Him."  We all know that makes no sense, but this idea of three dimensional programming is easy for the fools to understand.  It lets them actually visualize how He could have done it.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  That's bad!  We don't like them to have any way to visualize how the universe might have been put here.  We want the fools to think it's eternal and that each one of them is an accident with no future beyond a life that we must control for their own good. 

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Once they get the idea that God loves them, it goes to their heads.  They start to think they're somebody!

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  It's dangerous to have an entire country full of people who think God is real and that He loves them.  They'd be impossible to control!  They'd think they had rights!  Why, it's disgusting!

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Remember the old argument, "With so much pain and suffering, how can there be a God?"  Let's get some magazine covers on that.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  What about mobilizing our base?  I mean, most of our supporters work for some government department or another that's especially useless.  Let's get them on this.  They should start defunding anyone they think believes in God.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wal, we tried that at Sludgewater Falls International Multiversity.  Fired ever' dam' Chrischun in the place.  Then, the air conditionin' went down.  None of us knew how fix it.  Limousines started breakin', and we couldn't even change a spark plug.  When the air conditionin' in the limos went down, we was paralyzed.   Why, it was a disaster.  Had to hire the whole passel 'o white Chrischuns back.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  Something like that happened at Kyoto International Multiversity.  We fired three Christians in our accounting department.  Their replacements absconded with our retirement funds.  And, the Japanese government refused to replace the money!!

(Transcriber apologies:  The transcription stopped for several minutes as the full horror of Dr. Honda's account sank in.  When conversation resumed, it was so garbled with all Members talking at once as to be unrecordable.)

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Order!  Order!  Rhonda, that's the most horrifying thing I've ever heard!  And, since Kyoto was a new International Multiversity, your corporation was responsible!  How did you manage?

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Well, we just didn't tell anybody.  We couldn't, it was so-o-o embarrassing.  We tripled tuition, and put the increases back into our accounts.  It took a few years, but we're back to several million apiece.

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  Is your new accountant a Christian?

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  They have their uses.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  What happened to the accountants who took the money?

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  None of know for sure, but the head accountant is rumored to either be on one of the Lie Committees or a high-ranking member of Cleanfleece.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah cain't imagine one of us doin' sech a thang to his own kind!

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Whatever happened to honor?

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  After you had your money back, did you reduce tuition to its original levels?

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  We most certainly did not!  We thought we deserved something for all our worry and concern, so we just doubled our salaries.  All in all, it's worked out very well for us.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Mebbe we should find them pipple 'n hire 'em to replace Sudgewater Falls International Multiversity's accountin' staff so's they'd steal all our money.  Then, we could triple tuition.  Be a nice l'il morale booster.  Baal knows we need it!

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  YOU SEEM MORE CONCERNED WITH SALARY INCREASES THAN DEVELOPING A LIE TO DIRECTLY CONTRADICT THE INSANE NOTION THAT 'GOD CAN PROGRAM IN THREE DIMENSIONS'.  PLEASE CONTINUE TO WORK ON THAT. 

     IN THE MEANTIME, YOUR IMMEDIATE ASSIGNMENT HAS TO DO WITH TIME.  TOO MANY FIELD BEASTS HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS.  THEY MAY MAKE TROUBLE.  KEEP THEM BUSY.  WASTE THEIR TIME.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  I've noticed that far too many field beasts are involved in sports, community activities, raising children, meddling in politics, doing all sorts of things they aren't able to do properly.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  Any time a field beast is doing something we can't tax or regulate, it's not doing anything worthwhile.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Lines.  I like to see field beasts spending their time standing in lines.  Hour after hour.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  I like that!  They should line up to go to the bathroom, drink water, eat food, and go do bed.  Let's reduce the number of places they can do those things.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank that y'all are on the right track.  Ah thank that, in the int'r'sts of public safety, Baal, how I love that term, that their terlets are filthy, filthy dirty.  Publ'c Safety demands that we reg'late their use.  It's fer their own good.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  If they have fewer toilets, each toilet can be kept properly clean.  Let's limit their toilets to one per hundred field beasts.  That is how many toilets we have in our country.  Our lines are satisfyingly long.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tha's a nice ratio.  Plus, they don' need to go as offen at night.  So, we kin shut half of 'em down fer cleanin' at sunset.  Keep 'em lined up night 'n day!

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  And then, don't clean them!  Make 'em stand in line and still get sick. Then, we get to have 'serious public health issues that must be continually examined'.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  We should only provide one authorized fluid source per toilet.  It sounds nice and balanced.  They'll be lined up for hours, just to get a drink of water.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  "Authorized fluid source."?  Whatsat?

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  He means a water fountain or faucet.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  And, it doesn't have to be clean water!  Dirty water will make them sick, and then, who cares how much time they have on their hands?

Dr. Putin Chainz:  What about distance?  Farms are miles apart.  A hundred people on farms would have to travel for miles to get a drink or go to the bathroom.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Serves 'em right.  Never did like farmers.  Well, I never really did like anyone, but I like farmers less.  Think they're so blankety-blank useful because they grow food.  Make me sick.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  If we make it too hard, they may just go to the bathroom outside.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  What!  Would even a field beast do that? 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Shore would!  They got no shame.  Furmers, 'ticularly.  They see them cows and horses goin' to the bathroom outside, 'n wonder what the big deal is.  Why, you cain't hardly get a farmer to sign on to public sewage.  They can see how dumb it is to worry 'bout human waste when they see how vastly much more waste them big furm anymals produce. 

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Maybe that's why I don't like 'em.  Farmers just know too much.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Forget the farmers.  There's hardly any farmers left.  Did such a good job producing food that they wiped themselves out.  We want to get the city dwellers using public toilets, first.  Then the suburbanites.  Then, we'll worry about the farmers, if there are any left.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Good advice, Dr. Floater.  We can have a bank of public toilets on every block in every city.  We add toilets until we have average lines as long as we need them while we still get all the work we need to out of them.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  And, we'll put each water fountain as far away from the toilets as we can get them.

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu: I've got a great idea!  Make the field beasts pay to use the toilets! 

Dr. Vermon Floater:  That's good!  We should make them pay for all government services.  Their taxes don't come close to defraying the expenditures we'd like to make. 

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Let's make 'em pay twice!  First, to get into the toilet.  Then, make 'em pay for the toilet paper they actually use, too.  It's not fair that one person uses a little bit and someone else uses a lot.  A penny a square!

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Then, a nickle!  Rhonda, I'm so glad you're on our committee.  What good ideas!

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Why, thank you, Putin.  Your compliments mean so much more, coming from a Latvian.  I know how much your family did to get those accursed Russians either dead or under complete control.  Moving the price of each toilet paper square to a nickle is brilliant.  It's inflation-proof.  It's the best kind of self-funding!  We'll wipe 'em out!

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Not until we make 'em pay a third time, to flush.  They won't fork over that last quarter, so the toilet'll be filthy for the next one.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They'll pay iffen the door don't open 'til they pay.  But, Ah kinda lak yer idea 'bout leavin' the terlets a stinkin' mess.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Sort of reinforces how helpless they are to do anything.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  EXCELLENT TIME-WASTING IDEAS!  ELECTED OFFICIALS ARE ECSTATIC, KNOWING THAT PEOPLE WON'T HAVE AS MUCH TIME TO INTERFERE WITH IMPORTANT GOVERNMENT OPERATIONS.  PLEASE CONTINUE.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  We will need special police, both for the toilets and the water sources.  Otherwise, the field beasts will be eliminating waste in unsupervised, unobservable places.  Highly trained "Cleanliness Forces" will have to make inspections and arrests for "Unauthorized Elimination".

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Putin, you've given me an idea!  We'll be able to monitor bathroom use not only for those who go, but also, we'll be able to find out who's NOT going. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah get it!  Iffen someone don' go to the right terlet, 'n go offen enuf, we'll know, and we can get 'em!  Big fines.  Jail.  Wonnerful idea,  Vermon.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  OUR CLIENTS ARE VERY IMPRESSED!  FINALLY, THEY WILL BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY DISOBEDIENT AND DISSIDENT CITIZENS.  IN ALL OF HISTORY, NO ONE HAS BEEN ABLE TO FLUSH THEM OUT AS EFFECTIVELY.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Thank you for your kind words.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Dr. Floater, I'm beginning to see how brilliant your idea is.  Each and every field beast will have to show up at a pre-determined location several times a day and stand in line for as long as we want.  If they don't, we jail them.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  It's even better'n what the Ayrab tyrants do, havin' 'em go blocks away 'n pray four or five times a day while secret police search their homes, shops, and offices.  Ever' American'll each be goin' to the terlet fer at least an hahr, and no one will have any secrets.  Ah got to hand it to you, Vermon.  Tha's a mighty fine lie!

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Anyone caught using any unlicensed bathroom must be sent to jail.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  And, every jail will have a greatly reduced number of toilets!  No more toilets in the cells!  We'll make the whole world stand in line!  All the time!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  'Ceptin' us.  We got more 'mportant thangs to be doin'.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  I have thought of something.  While the fools are standing in line, they may complain to each other.  They may use long lines as a way to mobilize against us.  We'll need laws.  "It is illegal to communicate in any way with any non-uniformed citizen while standing in any line."

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Brilliant, Teefertu!  Absolutely brilliant!  We don't want any of them complaining to each other about anything.  Maybe we could have them stand in line facing in such a way that they'd have to watch television the whole time.  Mind-rotting shows, with the latest music played at ear-splitting levels.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah got a good one!  Let's make 'em stand in line facin' backwards!

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Make them all face ninety degrees clockwise from the person behind them.  It will complicate the forward motion of the line and provide opportunities for fining and embarrassing them.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Any citizen who turns in a complainer should get to move forward in line.  Well, they can move forward if they walk backwards.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  While they're standing backwards and sideways in line, let's have them sing patriotic songs about the joys of living in such a free and benevolent country.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah lak that!  Havin' 'em sing "Yankee Doodle" whiles they's prac't'ly wettin' theirselves, now that'd be real fun. 

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Having them sing about "the land of the free and the home of the brave" while they're lined up for an hour to pee will let them know just how free and brave they are!

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  I'd like to have 'em sing "My country 'til of Thee, sweet land of liberty." over and over, knowing that it's utterly untrue.  Burn their lying helplessness right into their brains.  Baal, I hate 'em.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  If they don't sing, they have to go to the end of the line.  If they don't sing loudly enough, they have to go to the end of the line.  If they don't look like they're happy, then they have to go to the end of the line.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  What if they sit down?  Carry a chair with them? 

Dr. Rhonda Honda and Dr. Vermon Floater in chorus:  Then, they go to the end of the line!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  When they ain't acshually shufflin' ahead in line, they oughten to be made to stand at attention.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  To be fair, we need equal time.  Every field beast should get exactly a minute and a half in the toilet, whether they need it or not.  Some of them will have to leave the toilet and immediately get back in line!  Oh, the joy!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Eject 'em automatic'lly after ninety seconds!  Use sprang-loaded seats, 'n jes' blow 'em right outten der terlet iffen they takes too long!

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  We must make sure that the toilets have a completely natural aroma.  Even if they don't need their 90 seconds, that's how long it'll be until the door unlocks.  We'll make sure they have a chance to fully appreciate what we're doing for them.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Even their clothes will reek!  I can hardly wait!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  We could have inspectors watch 'em while they're in the terlet, 'n tell 'em what to do 'n jes' how to do it with each and every piece of terlet paper.  That'd be a good entry-level job for some of my relatives.  Get 'em outten mah basement.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  WE ARE PLEASED WITH THE AMOUNT OF TIME YOUR LIES WILL WASTE.  WE ARE ALSO GLAD BECAUSE YOU WILL HAVE TAKEN A GREAT DEAL OF JOY OUT OF THE FIELD BEASTS' LIVES. 

YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY TAKEN SOMETHING THAT USED TO TAKE A FEW MINUTES A DAY AND TURNED IT INTO A PAINFUL ORDEAL.  FOR OUR LIVES TO BE GOOD, THEIRS MUST NOT BE. 

DO NOT FORGET LIES TO UNDERMINE THE NOTION THAT GOD CAN PROGRAM THREE DIMINSIONAL PARTICLES.

Dr. Dick Dudewll:  Ah sware, Ah don' unnerstan' why that's still sech a big deal. 

Dr. Putin Chainz:  It is, Dick.  If the fools think God can program particles, or, worse yet, think that He could have programmed angels to program particles, and compile them into structures and put the structures in motion, some of them may think He's real.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Well, so what if they do?  We still have the armed forces and the police.  We can keep them in line.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  But, it's harder.  Once they start to take God seriously, they don't take us seriously.  They talk to our own lower level people.  All of a sudden, our own underlings don't take us as seriously as we'd like them to.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Damn those uppity underlings!  Once we had some Christians enrolled at Kyoto Multiversity.  They drove us crazy.  Wanted us to give honest grades for honest work.  The idea!

Dr. Vermon Floater:  We can't have honest grading in a State Multiversity!  If we can't give out whatever grades we want to favorites, it's hard to give them scholarships.  Hard to get favors in return.  

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  We gots to be able to give scholarships to our friends!  Iffen we cain't do that, what kind of friends would we have?

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Many of the students took the Christians seriously.  They were genuinely outraged when they found that the children of administrators got free tuition, room, board, automobiles, and a generous spending allowance.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That kind of complainin' is disgustin'!  Iffen we cain't give free stuff to our frien's n' relatives, who can we give it to?

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  The Christians thought we should give scholarships to those who earned them.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  See what I mean?  If you give those Christians an inch, they'll take a mile.  If the notion that "God can program in three dimensions" takes hold, there'll be no stopping them. 

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  How do the mewing fools avoid looking at all the layers of rock and concluding that the world is billions of years old?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah knows what they say to that.  "Rock layers were formed durin' the Flood.  Big tsunami-like tides rolled 'roun' the earth, 'n stirred up sediment that dropped.  Four or five miles of heavy water compressed it into layers of rock."  Ah know Ah couldn't think of any argyment against 'em, back when I was passin' as a Baptist.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  How do they explain away coal and oil?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They say "Oil was programmed to be produced out of underground carbon, hydrogen, and combined with other chemycals and processes.  He programmed it so's Ishmael's sons, the Ayrabs, would have somethin' to sell to the mechanized parts of the world."

Dr.  Teeferu Nunferu:  That's ridiculous.  What about coal?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Thay thank that coal is sort of crudded-up oil.  The oil, they figger it spurted up durin' the flood 'n got trapped 'n squeezed between some of the rock layers as they was bein' laid down 'n sort of dried out 'n compressified.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  Could that have actually happened?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Yer guess is as good as mine.  Ah jus' know we's got ter be tellin' 'em it couldn't have happened.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  You know that.  I know that.  But, those accursed Fundamentalists think that's what happened.  Catholic Fundamentalists are even worse, with that "How else could He provide free will?" business.  After they think about "God can program particles", it's like herding cats to get 'em back to believing that the world is twenty billion or so years old.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Y'all know what they say?  "The God Who kin program particles ain't gonna waste time.  He's not gonna wait around for billions of years so's fish can grow legs.  He's gonna get it done."

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Whew!  That's a hard one to get over.  You have to admit, our theory of a twenty billion year old universe does make any God look kind of slow and incompetent. 

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Maybe, we could tell them that He took so long to keep us from appearing to be so comparatively stupid.

Dr.  Putin Chaina:  They may believe that.  But, then we're saying there's a God.  We don't want to encourage that.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  More importantly, we don't want them taking seriously anyone who turns over the tables of the moneychangers.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  That's right!  If He hadn't done that, none of us would care what people believed.  But, that's just too much!  He's a threat to cash flows!

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  I never thought of that!  You're absolutely right!  Why, if there was any kind of a Christian in charge of anything, we could lose our jobs.

(Transcriber apologies.  After last comment, there was complete silence for nearly two minutes.  Nothing to transcribe.)    

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:   YOU ARE NOT MAKING PROGRESS ON LIES TO UNDERMINE THE CATHOLIC FUNDAMENTALISTS' IDEA THAT GOD ACTUALLY PROGRAMMED PARTICLES AND MADE THEM INTO THE UNIVERSE. 

    WE ARE DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR FAILURE.  IN THE MEANTIME, DEVELOP LIES THAT WILL GIVE INTELLECTUAL CREDIBILITY TO LARGELY MINDLESS CELEBRITIES SO WE CAN USE THEM TO MISDIRECT THE FIELD BEASTS MORE EFFECTIVELY. 

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Oh, I just love using celebrities to tell people to think the way we want them to.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  I do, too.  It's so delicious, getting dead-brain nincompoops to tell people they should worry about "city lights keeping observatories from properly observing. . .', oh, I don't know what, a lot of stuff that, with Hubble, they shouldn't be wasting their time on.

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  Just the other day, I saw London Ritz-Carleton telling viewers they should be more concerned about planetary oscillation.  The audience was nodding up and down, utterly entranced with a new problem to take their minds off the fact that we're taking all their money.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  London Ritz-Carleton?  That dingbat!  Was she telling them that people driving too many cars in and out of cities at the same time every day was causing the earth to wobble on its axis?  That driving to work might cause the earth to roll around the universe like a loose ball?

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Exactly!  She did it very well.  We get to increase mass transit fares everytime she brings it up.  It's gotten to be one of her specialities.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  She?  Her?

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Good question.  I can't tell, any more.  London Ritz-Carleton may be one of those new gender-free models, dedicating their lives to keeping us free from sexual stereotyping.  But, he/she, or it, certainly made a good case for keeping large numbers of people from driving their own cars back and forth to work at the same time every day.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah'll bet London Ritz-Carleton ain't even a person.  Ah'll bet she was replaced wiffin one of the new robo-celebrities.  They ain't pipple a'tall.  They's jes robots wiffin mannikin outsides.  On TV, they look lak pipple.  Recorders do the talkin'.  Machinery moves their lips.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  What a breakthrough!  No more paying a bunch of undependable, retarded actors and models to blab away on talk shows.  We never knew what any of them would say, no matter how much they rehearsed.   Robo-celebrities are much better.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  An endless nightmare, dealing with liberals.  They're so dumb.  So unreliable.  You never know what they've been drinking or taking.  They just say whatever comes into their minds.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  It's wors'n that.  Y'all know how hard trainers worked to get the silly dam' celebrities to say som'thin' over 'n over ag'in when pipple'd clap.  Christians 'ud applaud at the wrong things, 'n the dam fool celebrities 'ud say "Merry Christmas" three or four times, or "people are dying because they can't get DDT to kill mosquitoes", 'n they'd repeat it until security got rid of the applauders.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  We can't have that!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  We don' have it any more!!  Ah luv them robo-celebrities.  Completely rel'able.  Never ferget what to say.  'N, they can walk out to the chair, sit down, turn their heads, nod up 'n down.  Smile.  Move their lips when they read the teleprom'ter.  Why, the pipple watchin' on TV cain't tell the robo-celebrities frum real movie stars.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  The dumbest are female hyper-lib celebs.  They can't even do their own hair.  We have shows where four or five of them pretend to think up things they say to each other.  It's a proven, highly-scripted format that tells the home-stupids how to think.  We could use four or five robo-celebrities, rather than live celebrities, to host endless broadcasts of those shows!

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Rhonda, no one ever thought of that!  We'd only progressed as far as having individual robo-celebrities pretending to be guests on the shows.  Your idea, having robo-celebrities actually hosting several endless shows is brilliant!  No screw-ups.  No accidental mistakes.  Pure, unalloyed lies!  No human mistakes!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah gots to admit, Rhonda, tha's 'bout the bes' idee Ah ever heerd tell of!  Ah kin pitchur TeeVee shows wif noffin' but robo-celebrities.  Includin' the camera opeators.  Why, we don' even need pipple, not wiffin yer idee!  We kin get 'em fer ever' racial 'n demographic group!  Fer p'actically free!

Dr. Putin Chainz:  If we can robotize the entire television studio, we should get to keep the money that would have been on salaries!

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR. CHAINZ, MONEY SAVED BY REPLACING HUMAN ACTORS WITH MORE RELIABLE ROBO-CELEBRITIES GOES INTO EXISTING EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE BUDGETS.  CASH FLOWS WILL NOT BE CHANGED SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE HAD A GOOD IDEA.  AND, DR. RHONDA HONDA'S IDEA ABOUT REPLACING WHOLE STAFFS OF HUMAN CELEBRITIES WITH VASTLY MORE RELIABLE, AND CHEAPER ROBO-BABBLERS IS BRILLIANT.  THANK YOU, DR. HONDA.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Ohhh, thank you!  I've never been complimented directly by THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE before, and I just can't tell you what an honor it is.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR.  FLOATER, YOUR COMMITTEE IS TO DEVELOP LIES TO JUSTIFY HIRING MORE POLICEMEN.  WE ALWAYS NEED MORE POLICEMEN.

Dr. Vermon Floater.  What a challenging assignment!

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  It is!  We do need more policemen. 

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  We need more laws, too.  People are always doing things, or thinking of things to do, that we haven't yet made illegal.  They're getting away with, well, they're not getting away with murder, but they're getting away with too much.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Akshually, some of 'em on our side are gettin' away wif murder, but not of anybody we kin see.  Still, they is able to choose their clothes 'n hair styles.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  That shouldn't be allowed!  They should have to wear the kind of clothes and hairstyles we say.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Why do they need hairstyles at all?  Why can't we just have them all shave their heads?

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Vermon, that's too simple.  I think we should tell 'em how they should get their hair cut.  If we like 'em, they get an inch of hair.  If we hate 'em, they get no hair at all.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Wonderful!  And, let's make it so they can't cut it.  They have to pull out each strand!  Tell them "It's nature's way!"

Dr. Putin Chainz:  We'll tell 'em that they can't be trusted with knives and scissors.  Might be stolen by homocidal maniacs.  Pulling out their hair, strand by strand, is the safest,  most natural way.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  What about us?  Will we have to get rid of our hair?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Nah.  We gets to keep ahr hair.  Mebbe, we shuld nebber cut ahr hair.  Let it get reel long.  Jes' to let 'em know.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Let them know what, exactly?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah don' rahtly know.  Jes' let 'em know that we kin do annythin' we want, 'n they kain't.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  That makes sense.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  I've got an idea.  Let's classify the fools into four quads.  The first quad has to grow hair on the right front quadrant of their head.  Second quad, left front quadrant.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  That IS a good idea.  It's complicated and has absolutely no ratonal benefits.  What would we tell them that the four quadrants mean?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Whatebber we wants!

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Hair on the front right quadrant would mean that they're approved for food and housing.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Hair on the right rear quadrant would mean that they are one infraction away from going to jail.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Hair on the left front quandrant would mean that they're supervisors.

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  What about bald field beasts?

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  They would have to glue hair onto the appropriate quadrant.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Not hair.  Pieces of indoor-outdoor carpet.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  I like that!  Actually, lets pluck all of them.  Then, we can give each of them their little piece of indoor-outdoor carpet and have it glued wherever we tell them.  

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Pluck 'em all!  What a wonderful idea, Rhonda!  Much more painful than cutting or shaving!  How will we do it?

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  Well, we could have them pluck themselves.  Or, we could hire pluckers.  How often would they have to be plucked?

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  At least twice a year.  Maybe four times.  We should hire, or appoint, pluckers.  Let's make the pluckers get licenses!  And, make the fools pay to be plucked!

Dr. Vermon Floater:  That's absolutely marvelous!  We'll be able to spot any unplucked, untaxed field beast and put it in jail.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Thar's mebbe a problum, here.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  What's that, Dick?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  How's we gonna keep 'em frum pluckin' theyselves?

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Dick's right!  What if they plucked themselves?  What if they used pain-deadening chemicals, and plucked themselved painlessly and for free?

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  No pain for them?  No money for us?  That would be awful!  The worst of all possbile worlds.  We could cut off their hands.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Now, Rhonda.  How are they going to wash our dishes, clean our houses, and fix our cars if we cut off their hands? 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tha's raht, Rhonda.  But, we culd make all the field beasts wear mittens when they ain't wurkin'.  Tell 'em it's the only way to "keep unscr'pulous field beasts frum pluckin' their own hair."  Call 'em "tax dodgers", 'n the "shame of a nation".  Give reewards fer turnin' 'em in.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  How do we keep them from taking the mittens off?  You know, like when they take showers.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Why do field beasts need to take showers?  There's no need for them to remove their mittens unless one of us needs them to do something.  So, we have a key or something when we need them.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  That's a good idea.   How do we lock the mittens onto their hands?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah've been givin' that cons'dable thought.  Eepoxie 'em on.   

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  We could chain them on.  They'd be clanking around so we could hear 'em coming if they tried to sneak up on one of us.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Eeepoxie.  Ah lak eeepoxie.  Jes' eeepoxie them mittuns raht on.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  We don't need to go to all that trouble.  Just explain that if we see any field beast without his mittens, we'll have them shot. 

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  YOUR INSTRUCTIONS WERE TO GENERATE MORE LAWS AND REGULATIONS TO INCREASE THE FINES WE COULD LEVY.  DR. FLOATER, YOUR COMMITTEE HAS GONE TO EXTREME POSITIONS WITH SUGGESTIONS THAT CANNOT BE IMPLEMENTED UNTIL THE FOOLS ARE DISARMED.   PLEASE, FOLLOW YOUR ORIGINAL DIRECTIVE.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  You heard THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE.  We need to generate more laws and regulations.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  It soun's lak we need sum reggulashuns tha'll genrate fines.  Ah got a good 'un.  Ah thank we shuld regg'late poschure.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  Dick, what in the world is "poschure"?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Poschure, y'all know whqt poschure is.  How straight they be stan'in'.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  You mean "posture"?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Yup.  Poschure.  Iffin they slumps over, we could fine 'em.  Tell 'em they was crushin' their lungs ur sum'thin'.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  I like that idea.  It's easy to tell if someone is slumping.  The dumbest policeman could tell.  And fine them viciously for not standing up straight.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Do we tell 'em "You live in a free country, so stand up straight!"?  Or, "You're not in a free country any more, so stand up straight!"?

Dr. Putin Chainz:  It's a good way to get the older people behind us.  They think we're a lot of law-crazed, rabid regulators.   They also think the country is declining, which, with us at work, it is.  But, if we can get them to support us making people stand up straight, well, a lot of those old people vote.

Dr.  Hector Protector:  You know, this is my first meeting, but I think this is a wonderful idea.  Self-righteous laws are the best.  With a law like this, we'll have a lot of informers.  People would call and say "So and so is slumping.  I saw it myself.  I have pictures."  And, pay 'em a bounty.  More for a picture.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  That is so good!  We need to get neighbors to inform on each other.  In my country, everyone is an informer.  Here, hardly anyone will snitch.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Group, Before I forget, I'd like to introduce you all to the famous Dr. Hector Protector.  Dr. Protector comes to us from an Enviro-Carbon group.  Hector was personally responsible for limiting carbon emissions from three national forests that he had covered with thousands of square miles of plastic sheeting.

Dr.  Hector Protector:  It cost billions, and it didn't work! 

Transcriber's note:  (laughter recorded from all participants)

Dr. Hector Protector:  Seriously, Posture Laws are sure to be a big hit with everyone.  Parents will turn in slumping children, children will turn in slumping parents.  And old people with osteoporosis, why it'll be so expensive for them to leave the house that they'll just stay home and die.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  Oh, the Social Security outflow that we'll stop!  Happy days!

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  I like it because it's so easy to enforce.  Any time a policeman sees a "slumper", we'll be able to fine or jail it.  Or both.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank it'll be a reel asset to fundin'.  Iffin we wurk it raht, we kin get them dirty Slumpers assigned to spec'l straytenin' facilities.  When we get 'em thar, we kin strayten 'em out reel gud.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  Special Straightening Facilities?  Licensed?  Of course.  Dick, there could be big money in this!  Really big money.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  I agree!  We can use racks to straighten them out!  Why, it'll be like the old days!  Plus, we'll get to make 'em pay for it.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  And, after they've been straightened out, they'll have to come back for "readjustments".  There'll be no end to the billing.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  You know, I like that "straightening out" description.  That's what we'll do.  "Straighten out a nation, one spine at a time."  Make it inevitable for all of them. 

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Put it in the skuls.  The l'il basta'ds ahr slumpin' all the time.  Strayten 'em out gud.  We'll have poschure courses in the multiversities.  Speakin' of multiversities, where'd y'all go to skul, Hector?

Dr. Hector Protector:  I had the good fortune to get a full scholarship to the Multiversity of East St. Louis.  I majored in Intervention.

Dr. Putic Chainz:  What branch of Intervention?

Dr. Hector Protector:  I wrote my thesis on Anti-Happy Intervention.  Any time we saw any person or group looking happy, we developed thought and language patterns we could use to make them  less happy.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  That's sounds like real fun!  I hate to see happy people.  I hate to see any people at all, but the happy ones make me the maddest.

Dr. Hector Protector:  It's pretty straightforward, really.  There are only a few things that make people happy, and we're able to undermine any of them in just a few minutes.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  I wonder if we could tie that in to our present assignment?  You know, we're supposed to make more laws to make people poorer and more miserable.

Dr.  Hector Protector:  That's a wonderful assignment.  And, a new, rigorous set of Posture Laws could be a big help.  But, what I'm suggesting is something more.  I think we should do surveys, and find out what makes the field beasts happiest.  Then, we target our laws and regulations precisely against those things.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Oh, that's wonderful!  Anyone can make laws to make the fools more miserable than they are, but to have scientifically designed laws against the things that make them happiest, that's what we really need!  We'll get more bang for the buck!

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT ANY LIE COMMITTEE HAS TRIED TO BE COST-EFFICIENT.  CONGRATULATIONS!

Dr. Putin Chainz:  This is a real breakthrough!  Before, we just tried to come up with things to depress them.  Now, we can make them absolutely joyless.  Then, they'll be easier to control.

Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, Ah thank y'all are onto sum'thin'.  But, what is it that makes the grubby basta'ds happies'?

Dr.  Hector Protector:  We found that they were the happiest when then had children.  And, grandchildren.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  I've heard of that.  I hate the idea of having children.

Dr. Hector Protector:  You're thinking properly, but there are a lot of field beasts who just don't think as well as you do.  We try to make them think that having children is expensive, and that the children are always ungrateful and waiting for you to die to get your money.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah know that fer a fac!  Ah got kids by, oh, Ah don' know, five ur six ex-wives, 'n all any of 'em do is get the kids to ask me fer mor' money.  L'il basta'ds!  Ah hate 'em, Ah tell ya.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Well, how do we actually, scientifically determine what makes the field beasts the happiest so we can zero in on it?

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  I know that some of them are happy when they go deeply in debt to purchase a new vehicle.

Dr. Putin Chainz:  And, they are happy when they go deeply in debt to buy a new home.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  WE HAVE CLIENTS WHO PROFIT FROM THE DESIRE MANY OF THE FOOLS HAVE TO GO DEEPLY IN DEBT FOR HOMES AND TRANSPORTATION.  SUCH ACTIVITIES ARE TO BE ENCOURAGED, NOT DISCOURAGED.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Sounds t' me lak we oughten ter focus on takin' the joy out of fam'ly life.  Y'all got any idees?

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  I agree.  I think pornography is a great replacement for family life.

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  It is.  When I came here, and discovered pornography, well, I sent two or three wives back home.  Married some stylish Americans.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Teefertu, exactly how many wives do you have?

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  In my country, there is only one answer for that, "Just one or two less than I could use."

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  So, we get some good, healthy porn going.  And, for all ages.  Old people aren't looking at nearly enough porn.  Some of them are too worried about going to hell.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  Well, we've got to get them to stop thinking about that.  Thinking about that "afterlife" stuff is bad for our side.

Dr.  Hector Protector:  I was reviewing some notes.  This might be a good time to revisit that awful idea the Catholic Fundamentalists are always talking about, that "God can program in three dimensions, He can program particles."  A lot of things that make them happy come from God.  We have to make belief seem less real.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Hector, is that the real reason you were assigned to this Committee?  To help us come up with an argument about this horrible redefining of God?

Dr. Hector Protector:  Frankly, yes.  We're seeing a surprising number of people wrestle with the thought that God can program in three dimensions, make particles, compile them into beings, and have them move through time.  After a while, they end up leaving us.  Just disappearing.  We don't need that.

Dr. Vermon Floater:  We had an assignment about needing more policemen.  Could we combine that with getting rid of this Catholic Fundamentalism rubbish? 

Dr. Putin Chainz:  You mean, make it illegal? Make Catholics illegal?  Make Fundamentalists illegal?  Make Catholic Fundamentalists the most illegal of all?  Vermon, that's a wonderful idea.

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  How can we make an idea illegal?  How can we tell people "It's against the law for anyone to think that God is able to program in three dimensions?"

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  First, we get people in line.  We tell them that "It may upset people to let them know that God can program particles."  We have to let the courts know that "Cash flows are at stake."  We don't want people able to find out about things like this.  They might start believing in God.

Dr.  Hector Protector:  We don't want that!   Once people get the idea that God can program, oh, I don't know, "sand", for instance, they start to think:  "He could do that.  He could have programmed sand.  And, rock.  He could have programmed the whole universe.  Maybe, the state exists because He programmed people with free will."  We don't want that!

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  Remember our old colleague, Dr. Emily St. Cloud?  She got carried away by this idea.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Actually, she got carried away by our security forces.  She's in solitary, somewhere.  Not likely to get out any time soon.

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  If what happened in my country happens here, it probably doesn't bother her.  When those accursed priest-missionaries came to my country, we would hunt down the converts.  Many times, they would rather die than recant.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Can we make it illegal to say, write, or disseminate the notion that God can program in three dimensions?

Dr.  Putin Chainz: We can.  But, I don't know if we should.  Making it illegal might make them talk about it.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Then, we put them in jail.

Dr.  Hector Protector:  Let's make it a hate crime! 

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  That's what I love about hate crimes!  Anything that anyone does is automatically hateful to someone.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  What a marvelous idea!  What could be more hateful than saying that there is a God more powerful than government?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah 'member readin' tha' when the Romins started puttin' Christians in jail, they plum' run outten cells.  Finally, had to let 'em go.  Iffin we puts too many of 'em in jail, my wife 'n all mah ex-wives'll have to start takin' care of their own houses 'n kids 'cause all the maids n' nannies'll be in jail.   Don' thank tha's a reel gud idee.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  YOU MAKE GOOD POINTS.  WE MAY NOT WANT TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL FOR THE FOOLS TO DISCUSS THE INSANE NOTION THAT GOD CAN PROGRAM IN THREE DIMENSIONS.  IT MAY GET TOO MANY OF THEM THINKING ABOUT IT.  PLEASE RETURN TO LIES THAT JUSTIFY MORE LAWS AND REGULATIONS.  OUR CLIENTS NEED INCREASED FINES TO PAY FOR WAGE AND BENEFIT INCREASES.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Whew!  That's a real relief not have to think about God's ability, or lack of same, to program three dimensional particles.

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  It's really too much for us.  Most of us specialize in ever-bigger government, and we aren't experienced in theological matters.

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  The Food Committee has lies about food, but have they focused on fining people for eating improperly?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  We shore ain't.  Sounds like a great opportunity!

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  It is.  When you discover that the fools can be made to believe that "trans-fat" exists, and that "trans-fat" is bad for them, reliable legisloids will make it illegal to serve such food so they can levy fines on restaurants who disobey.  But, that's not where the big money is.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  You think we need to fine grocery stores for selling any newly illegalized substance?

Dr.  Teefertu Nunferu:  Not just grocery stores.  We also need to get right into peoples' houses.  We have to watch them prepare the food and compare it with approved lists.

Dr.  Hector Protector:  Let's put little TV cameras in every kitchen.  By every sink and next to every stove.  We'll monitor whatever food the field beasts are eating at a Central Location.  I just love the concept of using Central Locations.  I love the name.  I could just sit here all day and say central location, central location, central location, central location, cent. . .

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Hector!  Get ahold of yourself!  We all like Central Locations, but, I mean, really, to go on and on about it like that, well, . . .

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  (interrupts) I can see how you'd get carried away.  Everything should be decided at central locations.  Central Locations for haircuts.  Central Locations for shoe-shining.  Central Locations for posture checks.  Central Locations for clothing assignments.  Every human activity should have a Central Location.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Where are you going with this?

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  I think I see.  Are you suggesting that every one must live in a prescribed relationship to a Central Location?  You want every human being to go to and from a Central Location every time they do anything?

Dr.  Hector Protector:  Central Location.  Central Location.  Central Location.  Everyone must go to a Central Location every time they want to do anything.  No decentralized activity.  Everything in Central Locations.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  Central Location for Sleeping.  Showers.  Toilets.  Central Location for breakfast.  Central Location for lunch.  Same for dinner.

Dr.  Hector Protector:  Central Location for dressing.  Central Location for undressing.  Central Location for cooking.  Central Location for brushing teeth.  Central Location for sleeping.  Every huper activity has to have a Central Location.

Dr. Teefertu Nunferu:  Do all human, sorry, huper activities have to have a Central Location?  I understand that sports activities take place in stadiums.  What about people who watch sports on TV?  Where do they go?

Dr.  Hector Protector and Dr. Rhonda Honda together:  They watch TV in Central Locations.

Dr. Hector Protector:  There should be a Central Location for every TV category.  Sports, News, Weather, Crime Shows, Public Television, Pretend Right Wing Commentaries, Pretend Left Wing Commentaries, and Animal Shows each have a Central Location.

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  And, Central Locations for Commercials.  Let's say there's one gymnasium where they're allowed to watch televison.  Every time there's a commercial, they have to get up and go to the Central Location for Commericals.  Baal, but they'll hate it!

Dr.  Hector Protector:  But, they can do nothing.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Not a blam' thin'!  Rhonda and Hector, you reely know how to stick it to 'em!  Soun's lak we needin' to build about a millyun "Central Locations".

Dr.  Putin Chainz:  We have quite a few, already.  Public Schools are Central Locations.  Restaurants are Central Locations, but they have to be taken over.  

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Tha's a gud point, Putin.  We gonna haf ter provide fer the centralization of existing Central Locations.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  And, certifying!  As we centralize and de-privatize, we are duty bound to certify!  Each process will have its own committee.  I think that both committees should report to me!  At the most Central Location of all!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  (whispers)  Rhonda!  Iffin THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE thanks y'all's tryin' fer speshul cunsid'rashun, y'all mite git in big trubble.

Dr. Rhonda Honda:  Of course, I do not want both Committees to actually report to me, except in an advisory capacity.  I may be able to offer some help or advice, but understand that THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE must make the final choice as to who is in operational control.  (whispers)  Thank you, Dick. Didn't realize I'd gone too far!

Dr.  Hector Protector:  I hope you guys are taking all this seriously.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  Oh, we are.  Hector, you and Rhonda have done a marvelous job, and the notion of Central Locations, an hour ago, just a phrase, may become one of the biggest things we've ever done!

Dr.  Rhonda Honda:  You know, the cutest little song just popped into my mind.

                                     Centralize, centralize.

                                     Tell the dirty field beasts lies

                                     About why they should centralize.

                                     Every single beast reaction

                                     Every single satisfaction

                                     Should be centralized!  Centralized!  Centralized!

Dr.  Hector Protector:  It is kind of catchy.  I think we should build observation decks around the Central Locations.  That way, we can watch them.  Well,  not us.  We'd hire a lot of academic moron-flunkies.  They could chronicle all the things they do.

Dr.  Vermon Floater:  What do the fools do all day?  I hear rumors.  Making things.  Building things.  Fixing things.  Moving things.  They get paid to work.  Then, we make them pay their taxes and take it all from them.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  We don' wan' ter be takin' all of it. Got's to leeve the filthy field beasts wif sum'thin'.  Udderwise, they cain't eat.  Cain't buy food.