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 FOOD & WATER SUB COMMITTEE |
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NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE : Your lies have earned our clients' gratitude for helping to make so many people afraid of so many things. Some of our clients are large food producers. They lose billions because a few remaining family farms still produce chicken, pork, and beef at low prices The only way that our clients can raise prices and increase profits is to put the remaining small food producers out of business. They are counting on you to develop and publicize lies that will make people afraid of the small family farms that have kept them from starving since the beginning of time.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think these sound like reel profityble opportunities. Any chance y'all can give us some bonuses iffin we come up with really effective lies? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Yes, how about bonuses? Frankly, I am sick and tired of generating massive lies and not getting paid nearly as much as our clients. Why, the big chicken outfits, alone, will make billions if we wipe out small chicken and egg producers. We should get a percentage. NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: PRODUCERS OF LIES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE FOR BONUSES OR PERCENTAGE ARRANGEMENTS. IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY LYING FOR US, WE CAN FIND EXPERIENCED LIARS TEACHING IN COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES AROUND THE WORLD. MILLIONS OF THEM ARE DROOLING AT THE CHANCE TO LIE FOR REALLY BIG MONEY. IF YOU DO NOT LIE FOR THE AGREED ON PRICE, YOU WILL BE REPLACED. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I didn't mean to offend anyone. After all, we are proven prevaricators, and I am sorry for giving the impression that I may have seemed to have harbored thoughts that might appear to be disloyal. I am already working on a lie involving unregulated waste disposal on small poultry producing farms that should add to their costs. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah agree. Ah certainly didn't mean to offend anyone, either. Ah'm real happy, lyin' for what Ah'm bein' paid. Dr. Ramjet Singh: In my country, we have many small food producers that must be destroyed. Would it be possible to have Peace Corps Volunteers sent overseas to focus agricultural research money on projects that willl delay development of food production? I'd like them to work on mandating small, inefficient irrigation pumps powered by bicycles. Dr. Dick Dudewell: That's a great lie and a great project, Ramjet. It will keep people busy, hungry, tired, and poor, all at the same time. It's a natural for the World Bank! Dr. Ramjet Singh: Thank you, Dr. Dudewell. I am honored to be able to lie, and, unlike some American liars, I do not want any more money. I do, however, have several hundred relatives who would like to attend American medical schools with full scholarships. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Ramjet, all of us have relatives looking for scholarships to medical schools. Let's think about our clients, instead of ourselves. We have to show a relationship between small food producers and greater likelihood of disease. We can tell the fools that droppings from birds can infect small flocks kept in the open. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Brilliant lying, Mendle! Birds flying over the flocks can infect them with germs from their droppings. It should be illegal for anyone to keep any kind of poultry outside. That'll fix those small farmers! Dr. Emil Twist: Microbes from bird droppings might able to get through eggshells. Let's tell 'em "There may be a "corkscrew virus". It a chemical in it's corkscrew-shaped front end that dissolves the eggshell, and allows the deadly virus to get inside. I should get the copyrights to "corkscrew virus". NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: Dr. Twist, we have warned you about trying to take advantage of lies told to us for personal gain. You are being paid for your fine lies. Inventing the "Corkscrew Virus" is a very fine lie, but our client actually owns the copyrights. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Emil, you've had a wonderful idea. We could say that they crawl into peoples' brains and eat them away, but how do we convince people that only small farms create this problem? Dr. Emil Twist: Well, that is why we have a whole committee. Surely, one of us can think of something. NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: We must interrupt you. A new client's cash flows are based on huge, billion dollar fleets of factory ships. Their processing work is done by cheaply purchased North Korean slaves laboring in escape-proof steel hulls. Our new client does not want those cash flows diverted to small, low-cost fish producers in free countries. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I don't know if I can keep all these lies straight. We're already talking about birds dropping waste from the air, killing people with "corkscrew viruses". What about birds that are dropping fecal material in the oceans? Won't they contaminate fish in the sea? Dr. Bemis Understod: Slyvia, you can keep the lies straight. Anything that makes money for our client is true. Anything that hurts our client is a lie. Stop worrying about reality. You don't want THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE thinking you're gravitating towards the other side. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Bemis! How could you think such a thing? Why, I've been lying since Vassar, though that wasn't that long ago. Dr. Emil Twist: Good for you, Sylvia. Back to lying in a microsecond. Why, you've been gone from Vassar long before the first Clinton administration produced the Appearance is Reality Manifesto, back when all of us on The Lie Committee got our Civil Service retirement benefits approved. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Would you two stop this chit-chat and get back on the subject. Of course the birds spread "corkscrew viruses" in the ocean with their droppings. We simply tell the fools that, since the oceans are deep, and the fish far below the surface, that the infectuous agents in the droppings are killed by salt in the water before they reach the deep-feeding wild fish. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Wow! Good lying, Ramjet! But, what if some of the fools say 'well, mercury is down deep, because it's heavy, and fish from the open seas are more likely to ingest it and be killed or disabled. Dr. Emil Twist: We just say that mercury is so heavy that it plummets straight to the bottom before the fish have time to ingest it. Dr. Ramjet Singh: It doesn't matter about mercury. Mercury levels in fish are a completely imaginary problem. But, what if some of the fools understand that the acids in digestive systems kill all microbes known to come from bird droppings? Won't they say so? Dr. Mendel Meddle: Of course they will, but no one that smart will ever be allowed on TV, or any other mainstream media. Oh, there'll be some bloggers from the right side of the bell curve who'll know, but not enough voters pay attention to them to affect anything. Dr. Emil Twist: We need to boil down a lot of lies, Sylvia. You're good at it. As far as mercury is concerned, we'll just have some of our usual research show that the depths where fish feed are scientifically certified to be mercury free. Who can deny that? I can picture some simple drawings, now, with some newsspewer nodding wisely as one of our TV-certified explainers explains things to her. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah've got a great lie! As for digestive juices killing ingested infectuous agents, we simply say "It's possible that the mutated microbes found in family farms may be invulnerable to destruction by digestive juices. Certain death or paralysis may come from eatin' meat, fish, 'n eggs frum family fish farms." Who kin argue with that? Dr. Mendle Meddle: Magnificent lie, Dick. By the time we've finished, the fools'll think that small fish farms are practically septic tanks. In fact, we could say that some small producers actually raise fish in septic tanks, another reason why our client's free-swimming, natural, ocean raised fish are so much better! Dr Bemis Understood: We've got a lot of lies. We have to keep them simple. Our copyrighters need super-simple lies for some pseudo-intellectual nincompoop of an "expert" to recite while nodding wisely to some brainless anchorperson. Dr. Emil Twist: I'll try to sum up. First, family farms are filthy. Birds are always dropping infectuous agents, so all animals exposed to the sky are are continually infected and re-infected. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Here's another lie: To stop diseases, family farmers overuse antibiotics. That makes germs resistant to antibiotics, so those who consume such food are nearly certain to suffer agonizing pain and die. Dr. Bemis Understood: Let's not just focus on bird droppings. Wind and insects also spread diseases from family farm to family farm. "Corksrew viruses" appear. They are not killed by cooking. They live in human brains, ovaries, and testicles, destroying those living and those to be born. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Bemis, you've added a couple of new lies there. Ah like it! Ah think it's dumbed down enuf for TV news! And, Ah've got another lie! You menshuned wind 'n insects spreadin' diseases from family farm to family farm. Ah think we should demand legislashun that all farm animals be both covered and screened in. That'll increase costs so much that thousands, mebbe millions, of small farmers will go broke! Dr. Emil Twist: Dick, it's brilliant! NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. DUDEWELL, LEGISLATION TO FORCE FAMILIY FARMS TO KEEP ANIMALS IN AREAS THAT ARE BOTH COVERED AND SCREENED IS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC! MAKING THE FOOLS KEEP ANIMALS IN COVERED, SCREENED AREAS WILL PUT THEM ALL OUT OF BUSINESS. IT IS SUCH A GREAT LIE THAT WE WILL RESERVE IT FOR A FUTURE CAMPAIGN WITH MORE BILLING TO FOLLOW. CONGRATULATIONS! Dr. Ramjet Singh: It will translate well into third world media if we blame the Americans for destroying their family farms. That's always good for riots and headlines. Dr. Emil Twist: If we do this right, every piece of farm machinery in France will be parked in downtown Paris! Good job, everybody. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: (thinks her microphone is off) Thank goodness that's over. Bemis, what are you doing for dinner?." Dr. Bemis Understood: Uh, Sylvia, I think you're still on conference. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: click. NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE : These are good lies, nearly ready for a simple, mainstream media script. Please expand your lies to include one or two references to global warming. We're still on their retainer, and it looks like those clients will be milking GW for years to come. Any lies about how global warming is caused by small farms? Dr. Bemis Understood: Oh, I love the global warming lies! The fools think the planet's being par-boiled. Off the top of my head, I can come up with a couple of beauts. We say that "small, family farms don't control emissions on small tractors and other machinery. They contribute disproportionately to global warming". Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think we could also say: "Uncovered farm animals release methane, body heat, and waste products that are not controllable. Animals in covered pens and cages can have these dangerous, unregg'llated emissions controlled. Though it is more expensive to raise animals in covered pens, those concerned with the environment will be glad to pay." Dr. Mendle Meddle: I've got a good one. "Animals that roam loose on small farms and ranches break up sod formations, and cause more rapid erosion. This pollutes vital water sources, blah, blah, blah." NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: Dr. Meddle, your use of 'blah, blah, blah' indicates that you may not be taking your lies seriously enough. In the future, please spell out the details of your lies so that we can test their trustworthiness. Dr. Mendle Meddle: I'm very sorry for having given the impression that I don't care enough about my lies. I just thought everyone was so used to our ordinary, everyday lies that they'd know what I meant. We should, of course, make the fools realize that polluted drinking water is a serious problem made even worse by pastures and fields full of sharp-hoofed animals. Sharp hooves break up vital root structures, thereby causing soil erosion. Polluted water is also darker. It absorbs more heat from the sun, thereby contributing to global warming. Sorry for not having made that clear. Dr. Emil Twist: Mendle, I appreciate seeing your lies spelled out. You have brought out very good lies, and that makes it easier to tell the newsmorons that we have something 'new'. That's always important. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mendle, Ah wonner iffin we should have the congressoids pass laws makin' sharp-hooved animals wear shoes? Dr. Ramjet Singh: How else can we protect vital root structures? NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: Small-scale food production can be curtailed by demanding local legislation. Please develop lies to justify more restrictive farming laws. Dr. Mendle Meddle: I love law-making lies! They drive small entities out of business and generate new bureaucracies with ongoing costs at the same time! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: How about this for a starter lie: "There are too many producers of (pork, beef, milk, chickens, eggs, fish, pick as many as you like) in this state. In order to stabilize production and eliminate pollution, there should be no more than two dozen individual production units of this food source in whatever State we're trying to help." Dr. Ramjet Singh: That is a great start. We should go to each State Legislature. If they are too smart to destroy their agricultural base, we should go to states where there are no producers to oppose us. For instance, we will make it illegal to raise catfish in Alaska and salmon in South Florida. There will be no local resistance, because there are no local resistors. Dr. Emil Twist: Good idea, Ramjet. Then, we gradually move into states where such producers are significant, and we tell the field beasts "We have to keep up with other, progressive areas. They have passed similar laws to protect their people. We cannot fall behind! Public safety is too important! " We'll build credibility with momentum. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: If the state legislatures are too smart, we can go to individual counties, cities, and townships. Get a lot of simple-minded twits who hate their neighbors involved. Make it look like a "grass roots" movement. Dr. Bemis Understood: That's always a great way to loot the fools. Let's tie in "animal sensitivity", too. We'll tell the fools that "Veal calves are suffering, along with over-crowded chickens, pigs, and cattle on farms that are just too numerous to inspect properly. Dr. Dick Dudewell: 'N them stuffed goose livers! We'll tell 'em how the geese are livin' in agony while they get their livers stuffed! We can get the bleedin' hearts gushin' all over the place. The dummer field beasts are suckers for keepin' animals happy. 'Til they get hungry, 'n eat 'em. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Good lies, good plan. We'll be able to limit competition, and our clients will make more money than ever! NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: Your lies have been tested for the appearance of truthfulness. All have passed. This time of year, our clients are concerned about people with home gardens. Too many people are raising their own tomatoes and other vegetables. Others plant trees that will produce fruit. Gardening costs our clients a lot of profits. Your assignment is to produce lies that will minimize the home production of food. Dr. Bemis Understood: It's about time! I have neighbors with gardens, and they grow a lot of food. Some of them freeze it and can it so they can eat it for a whole year. If millions of cheapskate field beasts produce their own food, it has to have a bad effect on our clients. I can't believe it's legal. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: The fools can produce their own food? How, exactly, do they do that? Dr. Mendle Meddle: The field beasts buy seeds. Then, they stick the seeds in the dirt. The seeds turn into plants that produce vegetables. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Seeds? Dr. Mendle Meddle: They're things that grow on plants. When you put them in dirt, they grow and make another plant. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I never heart of such a thing. Is this another one of your lies? There's no way a stupid plant could produce something that complicated. They must be made in laboratories. Or, factories. I'm not a simple field beast, you know. Dr. Dick Dudewell: 'Course y'all aren't a simple field beast. Seeds do grow on plants, and when they're planted, they make more plants. Why, Ah've done it myself. The vegetables are a lot better than what you can buy. Cheaper, too. We'all are gonna have to really lie. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Dick, why haven't I heard about this? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Sylvia, you're a perfessional environmentalist. Y'all are workin' at the very highest levels there are. Y'all aren't 'sposed to know about grubbin' 'round in dirt. Take my word for it. People are stickin' seeds in the ground, and gettin' free vegeetables. They call it "gardenin'". Our clients want it stopped, so we got to stop 'em. Dr. Ramjet Singh: This will need good lying because the fresh vegetables have more vitamins. I'm ashamed, deeply ashamed, that I have a garden. I grow vegetables. When I go home, I will uproot everything. Kill every plant in my garden. Then, I will work on lies. Good lies. Dr. Emil Twist: We can focus on how bad it is for people to get their hands dirty. Say that germs and microbes living in the filthy dirt are absorbed directly through the skin, and that all soil contact must be avoided. That's not much of a lie, but it is a start. Dr. Mendle Meddle: It's not that bad a lie. Dirt is full of germs and, well, dirt. We'll have to focus on that. Dr. Emil Twist: We can always say that "Home gardeners are historically careless with dangerous chemicals. Chemicals that kill weeds or insects will kill people. We need legislation that will force those home gardeners to take classes in the proper use of dangerous chemicals." Dr. Mendle Meddle: That's brilliant! The Executive Committee may be able to generate fees from state colleges and uiniversities to sponsor mandatory gardening classes. We'll force the filthy field beasts to pay through the nose to learn what they already know, and get money for our friends. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Don't forget The Children! The Children may be hurt by these deadly chemicals. They could go blind! Deaf! Become obese! The Children are suffering in endless ways. We cannot have The Children suffering as long as there's money in it for us! Why, what would happen if one of The Children ate one of those "seeds"? Dr. Dick Dudewell: A lot of what we'all eat is made outen seeds, Sylvia. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I can't believe that. First you plant the seeds, then you eat the seeds? That makes no sense at all. Are you sure you aren't making this up? NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: We feel that Dr. Sweem's grasp of things should be maintained as it is. She will be a more valued contributor if her remarkable standard of knowledge is maintained. Please change the subject. Dr. Bemis Understood: There's a great danger of allowing people to own sharp instruments. You know, a maniac running amok with a rake or a hoe could kill a lot of people. Have there been any cases of that? Dr. Ramjet Singh: It happens every day. Remember our friend, the heroic Pol Pot? He killed millions of people with rakes and hoes. Think of the money he saved! The Chinese have to spend a lot of money on bullets to execute prisoners. Not Pol Pot. Why, the threat of deadly, unlicensed garden implements is a very real threat to every one. Dr. Dick Dudewell: That's the truth. Why, a spadin' fork in the wrong hands is as deadly as a bayonet. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Rake? Hoe? Spading fork? Is that what field beasts eat with? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Nah. They dig in the ground wiffin 'em. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Digging destroys the natural habitats of valuable earthworms. We can't allow the fools to just "dig in the ground." Who knows what manner of irreplacable animal life they're destroying? Dr. Emil Twist: Sylvia, they do worse than dig. Some of them actually grind up the ground with roto-tillers. They shred every worm they run over. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Roto-tillers? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Sylvia, a roto-tiller is a lot like a giant Cuisinart, except it grinds up the ground. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: That has to be illegal! People can't be allowed to go around grinding up the very earth we walk on. That would cause increased water run-off! Or, in some cases, it might stop water run-off. In any case, water run-off will always be changed. Surely, that's illegal? Dr. Emil Twist: Absolutely. It's in the fine print of any number of EPA regs. We just can't get lazy EPA regulators to enforce it. Once they start working at the EPA, they work from home and never do anything! That's why this project is so vitally important. Once we can fine them heavily for any unlicensed food production, we'll be able to shut down this filthy "gardening". Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Those 'roto-tillers' bother me. Won't 'roto-tillers' hurt The Children? Why, if the field beasts ran over little childrens' feet, wouldn't they be crippled? Are 'roto-tiller' operators licensed? Can anyone just go to a store and buy a 'roto-tiller'? This seems like a wonderful opportunity for licenses, fees, programs, regulators, and inspectors! No matter how much it costs, we must Protect The Children. Dr. Ramjet Singh: But, not from abortionists! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Now, Ramjet, you know that unborn babies are not human beings until they're in high school. Dr. Ramjet Singh: I just wanted to be clear, in case one of the fools brought it up. NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: Clients point out a problem. It seems that many "gardeners" actually believe press releases that tell them environmental "problems" are real. The dumber ones make generous donations to our clients. Naturally, our clients do not want to offend the more gullible "gardeners" and reduce the huge stream of cash that flows from them into environmental organizations. We need finely polished lies to discourage individual food production and still have gardeners think our imaginary enviro-problems are real. Dr. Dick Dudewell: That's gonna take some mighty fine lyin'! Mebbe what we do is tell the fools that minimal diggin', spadin', n' roto-tillin' are all right, if they're "done responsibly". At the same time, we let 'em know that "responsible gardeners never use chemicals".
Dr. Ramjet Singh: That's a good lie that will certainly reduce their output of food! Why, their gardens will be eaten alive by bugs and choked with weeds! Collectively, the fools will spend billions to make thousands. Wonderful! Dr. Mendle Meddle: So, it sounds like one of the lies will be "Responsible gardeners never use chemicals." Dick, I like it. It's short and simple enough that even the dumbest newsspewer can look sincerely into the camera while reciting it. Dr. Emil Twist: Not so fast! Before you guys break your arms patting yourselves on the back, we've got our clients to consider. They buy herbicides and pesticides by the train-load and spray them with giant tractors and airplanes. They spread huge clouds of chemical dust. How do we avoid having people say "Responsible commercial food growers should never use chemicals, either." Dr. Mendle Meddle: Good catch, Emil! You're absolutely right! We need to refine that lie. We need to custom-tailor it so that it only affects gardeners and family farms, but our clients have to be safe from it. They need powerful chemicals to make enough profit to pay our fees. Dr. Bemis Understood: Emil and Jacob, thank you. Why, our lie could have been used against our own clients! We could have lost our jobs. We need better lies! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: One would be: "Only large food producers can afford the 'good chemicals' that break down into healthy nutrients less than an hour after they're applied." Dr. Mendle Meddle: Sylvia, "good chemicals!" That's brilliant. Is it true? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: How would I know? It sounds true, and the field beasts will believe it. Dr. Emil Twist: They sure will! Let's make up a name for "good chemicals". Then, we can invent a logo for it, and stamp it on the containers of "good chemicals". Our clients can sell the copyrights and make money without having to grub around actually making anything. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Why not just call them "natural chemicals". Or, "purely natural chemicals". Dr. Bemis Understood: That may confuse the fools. We've spent a lot of time convincing them that "chemical" is bad, and "natural" is good. We might negate all the fine work we've done if they realize that everything in their bodies is made out of chemicals. We need something better. Dr. Emil Twist: How about "Purely processed chemicals"? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak it! Ah really do! "Purely processed chemicals" just rolls off'n the tongue with such positive believability the fools will love it. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: We need just one more positive adjective. "Purely" is counteracted by the negativity in "processed" and "chemicals". Can we get "love" or "trust" or "health" or "safe" stuck in there? Dr. Mendle Meddle: How about showing some thin, sensitive-looking woman interrupting her Yoga lesson. She turns, and stares into a camera while saying "I trust purely processed chemicals. For the people I love, they're more than healthy, they're perfectly safe." Then, she goes back to saying "ommmm", or whatever the hell they do. Dr. Bemis Understood: Mendle, you must have been the brightest boy in Brooklyn! Ah lak it! Dr. Emil Twist. Let's get some alliteration in there for the additional copy. "Purely processed chemicals are perfectly safe." Dr. Dick Dudewell: We can finish off with: "Food from large, caring corporations is better for you. They care enough to use perfectly safe, purely processed chemicals." Dr. Mendle Meddle: And one attack-lie will be, "Food from small producers and home gardens is produced with impure chemicals applied by untrained operators. It is almost certain to be medically dangerous to unknowing consumers." NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: GOVERNMENT CLIENTS WOULD PREFER THAT 'GARDENING' BE STOPPED. 'GARDENING' IS FELT TO ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENT THOUGHT, SELFISH PROFITEERING FROM NATURAL PROCESSES, SELF-RELIANCE, AND DEVELOPMENT OF SURVIVAL SKILLS. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah sure agree with that, but it's even worse. Gardenin' gets people outside, 'n away from their teevees. We cain't hardly keep the fools thinkin' right iffin they're workin' in their gardens. Dr. Emil Twist: This whole concept of individual or family food production and storage focuses people on themselves and their families. The idea that they should grow food without being forced to give it to those who need it is repugnant. Dr. Ramjet Singh: A great problem with gardening is the arrogance it causes. Gardeners think they have the right to decide what kind of plants will live and what will die. The very process of deciding which plant is an undesirable weed is human arrogance. Pulling up any weed is a crime against nature. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: It's worse when they kill insects. Who are they to decide that Japanese beetles should be killed while a ladybug is spared? Doesn't every beetle have the same right to survive? Gardening is speciesism of the worst kind. No species should decide that another will be destroyed. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Of course you are right. A person working in a garden might swat a mosquito or horse fly. Spray a caterpillar. Shoot a lettuce-eating rabbit. Frighten deer away from food they have just as much right to as the arrogant gardener. Dr. Emil Twist: One dangerous thinking pattern they have leads to what they call 'weeding'. They think they have the right and ability to identify undesirable plants, and destroy them! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: No! Dr. Emil Twist: They do! They go into their gardens, and pull up what they call 'weeds'. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: They're like Nazis! Trying to 'purify' their surroundings. We need to develop a few pro-'weed' associations. Weeds have rights, too. They must be protected from the primitive thinking that destroys all that isn't useful. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Syl, Ah hates to tell y'all, but weeds acshually are useless. They take up nutrients and sunlight 'n that reeduces food production. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Who's to say people are better than 'weeds'? Who gives them the right to rip up and destroy precious plants for their selfish, short-term gain? We need a 'Bill of Rights' for plants! All plants are worthy of protection. Even the worst 'weed' may have some use, someday. Even if only to itself! Dr. Bemis Understood: But, to make money, our clients have to get rid of weeds. How are we going to let them decide what plants to brutally destroy while denying the same right to the 'gardeners'? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Oh, I'm sure I don't know. Tell them that "Large, caring organizations grow weeds on acerage set-asides to maintain vital plant diversity." Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think that's purty good, Syl. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I do, too. Tell them "Each precious 'bio-diversity plot' must be a hundred acres". No home gardener can hope to do that. We'll fix the selfish, Nazi bastards so that they'll never be able to kill another helpless weed. Dr. Ramjet Singh: And, what about fences? It is repugnant to think that one species can keep another species away from food grown on our living mother, earth. And, fences encourage people to think that they can "own" property. It's awful! Dr. Mendle Meddle: Attacks on gardening and gardeners help us undermine whole concepts of customary values. Asking young children basic questions about "What makes you better than a rabbit or potato beetle?" can confuse them for decades. We need the Education Sub-Com to join with us in this vital endeavor. Dr. Bemis Understood: We can ask adults the same kind of mind-deadening questions. Those who live in cities and strive to define themselves by living up to media descriptions of "caring, vital persons" can be easily turned against gardening. "Dangerous, old-fashioned ideas of independence." should be a part of every Sunday supplement. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Gardening is worse than mere "independence". It is an attack on the basic inter-connectedness of life. Setting the individual above the all-important collective is moving backwards into greed. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha's right, Sylvia. Attackin' gardenin' gives us an oppurtunity to replace the idea that nachure is here to benefit mankind with makin' 'em think that mankind is here to benefit nachure. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Very good, Dick. But, that really should be "humankind". You're right that we want people sacrificing themselves for the benefit of bugs and weeds. Once we get those notions in their minds, they just can't fight against us. Dr. Bemis Understood: Attacking gardening is a way to attack every incorrect thinking process. Dr. Emil Twist: Again, we see the importance of Education. Schools should be teaching the value of canned, frozen, and otherwise processed food from large, "caring producers". We want children to think it's mean and selfish to be self-supporting.
Dr. Bemis Understood: One of the worst thing gardening does is teach them skills. They learn how to do actual things. We can't have that. Dr. Emil Twist: You know, I just realized that gardening also gives children a sense of cause and effect. Why, they might realize that bread comes from wheat, or that milk comes from cows. They should be taught that food comes from our clients, who, alone, are entrusted with mysterious food-producing processes far beyond the fools' ability to understand. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y'all are sure right. That's why Ah'll bet our clients would pay to help us get rid of farmer's markets. That's where a lot of gardeners turn their produce into cash. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I never put that together! They can turn sunshine, water, and earth into money! That must be made illegal! What right does one person have to make a profit from our common earth? Sunshine? Water? What every happened to the idea of community-owned rain and sunshine? This is awful! Dr. Emil Twist: What about gravity? Gravity is what makes the rain fall and brings apples down from trees. Using communal gravity to so that an individual or small group can make money should be as illegal as using rain or sunshine. We need more laws! Dr. Mendle Meddle: This battle is more than legal. We need to stop individual gardeners by every possible means. First, let's stop calling them "gardeners". Let's call what they do "Profiteering From Nature" Once we label something, we can make it illegal. Dr. Bemis Understood: All progressive people have a clear duty to stop selfish "earth profiteers" from benefitting personally from sunshine, water, gravity, and earth. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah hate to interrup' such a wonnerful thought, but what are we gonna do iffin pipple grow mushrooms in caves? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: What! Dr. Dick Dudewell: They kin take any kind of waste, even old logs, 'n grow mushrooms to eat or sell. Ah know not many of 'em do, but we gotta go beyond saying that sunshine is a common property whose results must be freely given to those who ask fer it. Dr. Mendle Meddle: I see where you're going with that, Dick. We want to make it unfashionable, then, illegal, for any person to personally profit from any natural process. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha's it. Gardenin' is only the tip of the iceberg. Let us expand our thinkin'. Sorry Ah interrupted you, Mendle. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Glad you did, Dick. What I started to say was that home gardens are just a step away from farmer's market stalls. They are just a step away from truck farms. They can turn into agri-businesses that can hurt our clients. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Let's weed them all out! Dr. Dick Dudewell: Sylvia, you're a beautiful woman, a great liar, and a punster, too! What a woman! Dr. Ramjet Singh: You two are flirting again! I am duty-bound to report this if it continues. Dr. Mendle Meddlea: Relax, Ramjet. If you make an issue of this, and the many Mrs. Singhs find out, they may think you're jealous! If just one Mrs. Singh finds out that you don't want Sylvia flirting with someone, the rest of them will make your life miserable. Dr. Emil Twist: Now, now, we mustn't get personal. We have a beginning. We will continue working. NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CLIENTS REPORT THAT THE FOOLS ARE SPENDING TIME AND MONEY ON TWO TYPES OF GARDENS. YOUR LIES ONLY COVER FOOD-PRODUCING GARDENS. MANY OF THE FIELD BEASTS RAISE ORNAMENTAL FLOWERS AND SHRUBS. THIS DIVERTS THEM AWAY FROM TAXABLE ACTIVITIES. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Good point. We don't want women, particularly, wasting time growing gardenias and roses when they could have jobs that earn taxable income. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Women can grow their own flowers? It's terrible that any woman would spend time on unnecessary activity. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank a lot of wimmen like purty thangs. We gotta git in their minds 'n make 'em unnerstan' that the only purty thang is a job 'n the bes' thang about that job is that it lets 'em "contribute". Dr. Ramjet Singh: What about the ones who have jobs and take care of flower gardens when they get home? We must do more. The very process of thinking that they can make the world a more beautiful place has to be undermined and destroyed. Dr. Bemis Understood: So true. The most beautiful dwellings are the most efficient. Remember the concrete glory of the East German high-rises? The endless grey was truly inspiring. Dr. Emil Twist: No time to waste on flowers! People should be as busy as bees. Work, work, work. That's the real joy of life. Dr. Dick Dudewell: You got that right, Emil. Any field beast who doesn't put in twelve or fourteen hours a day to make life fairer jes' doesn't know what life's all about. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Let's get some lies out about "The Joys of Monochrome". Have Oprah, and the rest of our spewers, start to focus on that. Grey is good. Dr. Bemis Understood: Sylvia, that's good! Show before and after pictures of huge buildings with flower boxes, then without. Praise the uniformity. Criticize by saying "Women who try to make things better think they're better." Dr. Mendle Meddle: That's a great lie! Undermine 'em right in their sense of self-worth. Say that "Elitist thoughts of improving anything are a mean-spirited attack on everyone who has gone before." It's kind of sexist, though. Let's have it read "People who try to make things better think they're better." Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha's jes' what they do think. Uppity basta'ds. NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CLIENTS ARE PLEASED WITH YOUR LIES. ONE IMPORTANT CLIENT SUPPORT GROUP HAS A DISPROPORTIONATE NUMBER OF MEMBERS WHO SELL FLOWERS AT RETAIL. BE SURE THAT YOUR LIES DO NOT THREATEN THEIR LIVELIHOODS. Dr. Bemis Understood: One refinement is to say that "The only safe flowers to buy come from established stores with truly sensitive employees." Dr. Mendle Meddle: Let's add: "They work hard to be sure that only organic flowers of the proper color and aroma are available." Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah like that! Stick that organic crapola in there, again. Dum'-ass' field beasts'll eat it right up.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WELL DONE. OUR CLIENTS ARE PLEASED WITH YOUR PROGRESS. OUR NEW ASSIGNMENT: TWO CLIENTS BELIEVE THEY HAVE A SUBSTITUTE FOR FAT. IT IS MADE FROM SEWAGE PLANT SLUDGE. CLIENT A IS PAID TO HAUL IT AWAY, GIVING IT A NEGATIVE COST ON RAW MATERIALS. CLIENT A PROCESSES IT INTO A COMPOUND THAT LOOKS LIKE BLACK LARD, SMELLS AWFUL, AND TASTES LIKE, WELL, IT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD. CHECK YOUR SAMPLES. CLIENT B SEES AN INCOME OPPORTUNITY. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah love a challenge. But this? We're supposed to take somethin' made outten of raw sewage sludge, 'n tell the fools it's good for 'em to eat it? Dr. Mendle Meddle: No field beast could be that dumb! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I've lied about everything under the sun, but I don't see how we can come up with something that will make people eat this! It's awful. It's sickening. Why, when I opened my sample, I gagged! Dr. Ramjet Singh: Foolish Western thinking. You need to look far afield for your lies. In my religious tradition, such a food would be thought to be good for you precisely because it is so awful. Dr. Bemis Understood: When the going get's tough, the tough get going. You're forgetting key advantages. First, it's recycled. Stop gagging, Sylvia. Second, it has absolutely no fat in it. We've been lying about fat for fifty years. Nearly all the fools are cconvinced there's something wrong with fat, even though their own brains are mostly made of it.
Dr. Ramjet Singh: Now, now! These are still early samples. My wife mixed in a lot of curry powder to kill much of the foul taste and smell. I added some pepper to that, along with a lot of licorice flavoring. Now, it's quite tasty. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Ramjet, are you out of your mind? Dr. Bemis Understood: Sylvia, one of the Mrs. Singhs gave me some. I was actually able to swallow it without retching. It's not good, but it's better than our early samples. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Sylvia, we could sell this in many countries! They would love it because there are no animal deaths involved in its production. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ramjet, they might eat it in y'alls' country, but not here. This vile crap has no food value, smells lak a cess pool in August, and makes a dog throw up. Ah haven't tasted your version of it, Ramjet, and Ah'm not goin' to. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Actually, you already have. We took Ramjet's concoction, baked it, heavily salted it, and made it into the frito-like chips you've been eating since the meeting started. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Arrrgggghhhhhh! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I can't believe it! We've been snacking on it all this time? Ramjet, you are a genius! You have turned processed sludge into fat-free junk food! Why, you ought to get a Nobel Prize! Dr. Mendle Meddle: Truly, Ramjet, this is going to be big! Big, I tell you! Big! We just need a few lies to help our client. Dr. Emil Twist: Just who is our client? Dr. Mendle Meddle: We have two. Client A is the company that invented this process. Client B is the International School Cafeteria Association. They are sick and tired of wasting money on food for school children that would be better used to increase their own salaries. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Why, that's purty daggone smart. Most schools already keep the kids locked in all day. There's no way the little bastards could get away from eatin' this vile crap. Both client'll be makin' billions! Dr. Mendle Meddle: Dick, you really should stop referring to this as "vile crap". This job requires some of the biggest lies we've ever told, and your negative attitude makes it harder. Dr. Dick Dudewell: A'hm sorry. I shor' am. It was unperfessional of me to complain. Iffin a client want's a lie, a perfessional liar's got to lie, without complainin' 'bout it. Iffin it'll help, Ah do have the beginnin's of a lie. What about callin' this stuff "Cycleround"? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I like that! How about "Fat-free Cycleround"? Dr. Emil Twist: That sounds good. "Fat-free Cycleround". Has a nice sound. Healthy, environmentally sound, modern, why, I think it's a great name. Dr. Bemis Understood: We have to have a great name. We're selling the fools processed sewage! And, a nice logo would be a cyclist, going down some country road. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe headin' towards an outhouse? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Now, Dick, that's not necessary. But, how do we get away from telling the fools what it's made of? Dr. Emil Twist: We don't. We just analyze it and list the chemical names. We'll make the print so small that the fools can't even read the content part of the labels. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, I guess you could put "Made in USA" on it. Be nice for 'em to know they ain't eatin' no imported food. Put in the ads "Fat-free Cycleround helps keep America strong." Dr. Mendle Meddle: Dick, I get the idea that your heart isn't in this. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah got children from my fourth n' fifth wife, and grandchildren from wives one, two, and three in the public schools. Ah must admit, Ah ain't crazy 'bout havin' 'em eat processed sewage while they ain't learnin' how to read 'n write. Dr. Ramjet Singh: In my country, we realize that everything is one. There is an interconnectedness that unifies all. Making the fools think about that keeps them quiet. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah'll try to think of it that way. At any rate, we got a coupla good lies out of this meeting. Ah'd like to sugges' one addition: "Fat-free Cycleround, our connection to the cycle of life". Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Ohh, Dick. That's wonderful!
Interoffice memo to Director, Executive Committee: Dr. Dick Dudewell has been our most creative liar. He serves on nearly all the Lie Committees. For the first time, he has been reluctant to enthusiastically support lies, in this case for Fat-Free Cycleround, though he did, to be fair, invent the brilliant name "Cycleround". Please put a note in his personnel file to watch him closely and monitor his communications. We do not want such an important person in our organization to move towards truth.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: BOTH CLIENTS ARE ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC ABOUT YOUR LIES! THEY LOVE THE NAME "FAT FREE CYCLEROUND" TO DESCRIBE THE NEW, BALANCED SCHOOL CAFETERIA FOOD MADE FROM PROCESSED SEWAGE SLUDGE. LIES ARE BEING PREPARED FOR NETWORK NEWSSPEWERS TELLING THE FOOLS HOW GOOD IT IS FOR THEM AND THEIR CHILDREN. YOU HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT. THE WORD "ORGANIC" IS GROWING STALE. THE WORD IS ONLY BELIEVED TO BE MEANINGFUL BY A SMALL SUBSECTION OF FIELD BEASTS WHOSE INTELLECTS CAN BEST BE DESCRIBED AS "MODERATE". WE NEED LIES TO BOOST THE OVERALL CREDIBILITY OF "ORGANIC". Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, Ah'm amazed than any fool in his right mind gave it any credibility a'tall. "Organic" food, Ah mean, how can anybody in their raht mind take that seriously? Dr. Mendle Meddle: We did do a wonderful job making them think that "organic" meant something! It's really one of our best efforts. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: When I worked on Public Television, all the people talked about "organic" this and "organic" that. I couldn't keep a straight face. They'd actually go on and on about what kind of dirt their carrots were grown in. "Pure loam allows proper root formation." was an important part of every food conversation. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I couldn't. I'd already been part-timing for one of the Lie Committees, and I knew that everything they talked about was just too obvious. After a while, I started despising them so much I couldn't stand to look at them. Dr. Emil Twist: I know it. Having to think of Public Television personalities as intelligent, well, I've been lying professionally for thirty years, and I still can't do it. Dr. Bemis Understood: Listen, they sell a lot of Volvos, and they keep the more pretentious field beasts in a state of permanent confusion, so they aren't totally worthless. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Bes' thing about Public TeeVee is we get to test our lies, see iffin the morons'll beeleeve 'em. Wors' thing is, they believe ever'thin' we tell 'em, so's we can't get 'em refined enough to fool the smarter feeld beests. Dr. Emil Twist: Who actually watches Public Television? Does anyone know? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Mostly, mid-level workers and academics in the most useless agencies and departments. Self-important wackos and neurotics like it because it helps them think they're a lot smarter than they actually are. They're desperate to find the latest lies so they can appear to be intelligent, loyal, and promotable. Dr. Bemis Understood: They should thank Baal for Public Television! If it weren't for that, what would they do? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah reely don' know. They're too lazy for fast food work, 'n too dum' ter be doin' much else. They kin barely think. Iffin it warn't for Public Television, they'd prob'ly jus' stare at a blank screen all day. Might smarten' 'em up. NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ALREADY KNOW HOW DUMB SOME OF THE PUBLIC TELEVISION FOOLS ARE. WOULD YOU PLEASE GET TO WORK ON MAKING 'ORGANIC' SEEM TO BE WORTHWHILE. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Enough about Public Television's IQ levels. Let's roll up our sleeves and come up with some good, solid, "organic" lies. Dr. Sylvia Sweem. This is harder than it sounds. The big companies trying to appear to be "organic" all use chemicals. They've defined it so they can use every chemical they want to reduce growing and preserving costs. Dr. Ramjet Singh: I still do not understand the American fascination with calling things "organic". If we had purely "organic" food, people would pay twice as much for it. Maybe three times. Dr. Emil Twist: That's exactly the point, Ramjet. We got to keep them thinking that "organic" is good, and then our clients raise prices, and profit margins, like crazy. Dr. Bemis Understood: I've got a beginning lie. "Organic food, just the beginning." Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, what the hell does that mean? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: That's the beauty of it. It means nothing at all, but it gets them ready for the rest of it. I'd add on "now, and forever." Dr. Mendle Meddle. It does flow. "Organic food, just the beginning. Now, and forever." It means absolutely nothing, but it does flow, it sounds positive, and, well, I like it. Dr. Dick Dudewell. Ah get it. We aren't after a lie so much as we are a feeling about a lie we alreddy got established. Ah kind of lak that. Let's see. Let's add on, "Organic food, just the beginning. Now and forever, a better life for all." Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Dick, you've done it, again! Dr. Mendle Meddle: OK, we've got two sentences beginning with subordinate clauses. Now, we need a solid, positive sentence that demands commitment. Let's make it read: "Organic food, just the beginning. Now and forever, a better life for all. That's why we're making a serious commitment." Dr. Sylvia Sweem. Mendle, that's beautiful! Of course, anyone who says that sentence and thinks it's meaningful is too dumb to be allowed to drive. Dr. Emil Twist: Now, Sylvia. Of course it's puff, but it's magnificent puff. Look at the positive words they've associated with this "Organic" crapola. "beginning", "forever", "better life for all", "serious commitment". I don't think "magnificent" describes it adequately. Dr. Dick Dudewell: 'N we show some of the usual wheatfields in Kansas, you know, the "amber waves of grain" stuff, with stirrin' music in the background. Ah think the National Anthem'd fit right in. Dr. Emil Twist: Let's be sure there are no diesel combines belching black smoke! Dr. Mendle Meddle: Maybe we could work in a picture of a scythe hanging on an old barn? Give the fools the impression that millions of square miles of grain are harvested by hand. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Put some Amish in the picture. Find some healthy-looking ones. Just as long as no one can smell them. FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENTS HAVE AGREED TO TAKE YOUR CONCEPT, FLESH IT OUT, AND USE IT FOR ADVERTISEMENTS. WE MAY, BY REWORDING, HAVE ENOUGH SOLID COPY TO STRETCH IT OUT INTO A PBS SPECIAL. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: It might overwhelm them. "Organic food, just the beginning. Now and forever, a better life for all. That's why we're making a serious commitment." is just too much at one time. I'd give two weeks to each phrase. "Organic food", by the time you dress it up with the usual rice paddies in, well, wherever they are, and the happy pigs eating, I don't know, acorns, maybe, and fish swimming in the oceans while whales jump out of the water, why, you've got two or three two hour specials, right there. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Sylvia, y'all have actually worked, iffin that's the word, at Public Television. How DO they make those whales jump out of the water all the time? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Electro-shock harpoons. We put a bunch of dead animals in the water. When the whales come to scarf them up, we hit 'em with a high-voltage harpoon, and I'll tell you, when that jolt hits, they just fly out of the water. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Then, what happens? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: We film it from every possible angle. Then, KERPLOW!, the bomb in the harpoon goes off! One of the accompanying cannery ships from the Cleanfleece Fleet picks up the body, and they make it into, oh, I don't know, dog food or burgers for McNippon's, or whatever they call the chain over there. Dr. Emil Twist: I didn't know Cleanfleece had their own cannery ships! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: There's a half-dozen in the Cleanfleece Fleet. Each has three crews. Part of one crew photographs the whales while the others stand around and look sensitive to show the field beasts the reverent awe with which animals should be observed. The second crew runs the ship and handles harpooning. The third crew, mostly slaves from North Korea and the Sudan, does the processing work. Cleanfleece sells the whale meat and the film. They're rolling in money! What an operation! Dr. Bemis Understood: I had no idea. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: On top of that, they take the whales' teeth and make fake scrimshaw in their secret Balinese factories. They took over all the STASI facilities once the East German secret police were turned into envirnmentalists. Dr. Bemis Understood: I never knew! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Did you think it was a coincidence that Cleanfleece protesters were at so many harpoonings? Dr. Bemis Understood: Sylvia, those Cleanfleece lies are so good that I believed them, myself. I must be slipping. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I believed them, too. I only found out when my uncle, a Cleanfleece founder, was killed with his own bomb destroying an animal testing laboratory. Dr. Emil Twist: What! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: He was in charge of a Cleanfleece guerilla fire team launched from the Cleanfleece Fleet. He was sent in to destroy a lab on the brink of actually curing cancer. They were only two chimpanzee tests away from validation. Dr. Bemis Understood: I hope they destroyed the lab! The last thing our clients want is a cancer cure! It would destroy their cash flows! Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y'all know that Ah'm on the Medical Lies SubCom. Ah cain't wait to tell 'em 'bout this! All the SubComs Ah'm on are bothered by pesky smart people destroyin' client cash flows iffin sum smart person acshally cures a disease . Do these Cleanfleece guerillas hire out? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Oh, sure. They smuggle narcotics, nuclear devices, gold, weapons, blow up things, you name it. Their media control keeps anyone from finding out about it. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Mostly, they blame any violence on Neo-Nazi extremists. All six of them! Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, Ah've got to say, Ah'm flabbergasted. Are y'all sayin' that most bombings and sabotage are actually done by environmental instead of religious or Neo-Nazi extremists? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Yes, Dick. The newsspewers add or change a couple of words, and whole countries are blamed for the actions of a few Cleanfleece specialists. What else could they do, once the Soviet Union collapsed? They had to make a living, and none of them knew how to do anything but lie and steal. Dr. Bemis Understood: And I thought that the only organized crime was us and the Mafia! NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE NOT FINISHED WORKING ON REVITALIZING THE CONCEPT OF "ORGANIC". SOME OF THE FOOLS HAVE FIGURED OUT THAT MAKING FOOD "TOO CLEAN" KEEPS THEIR IMMUNE SYSTEM FROM WORKING PROPERLY. DIRTY FOOD IS CHEAPER FOR OUR CLIENTS TO PRODUCE. THEY REQUEST LIES TO CONVINCE THE FOOLS THAT THEY SHOULD EAT ORGANIC FOOD WITH LOTS OF IMPURITIES. IT IS CHEAPER TO PRODUCE AND HAS HIGHER PROFIT MARGINS. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, now, that's a switch! Usually, the fools want their food to be real clean. Should we tell 'em "Don' bother washin' your veggies, we've made 'em dirty jus' for you!" Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Let's come up with a new kind of dirt to spray on food that's guaranteed to build up "natural immunities". Dr. Ramjet Singh: I love that "natural immunities". In my country, of course, all food is unwashed to keep precious microbes from being killed. Our life expectancy is less than half of America's. How do we convince the fools that they should eat pay more for dirty food and live half as long? Dr. Mendle Meddle: Good point, Ramjet. Maybe, we need what Sylvia suggested, a new kind of dirt that's not so, well, "dirty". Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah love it! Sell "clean dirt" to the fools. Will our clients have to do anything? Dr. Emil Twist: Nah. We'll fix it so they harvest their veggies as usual, pretend to have some "thoroughly analyzed", and call whatevere they find "Immunity enhancers". Dr. Bemis Understood: Emil, that's the best lie I ever heard! "Immunity enhancers"! The field beasts'll eat it up. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Emil, I wish I'd thought of that. Let's add "natural" and say, "Food sold by Completely Food, (or wherever the fools buy this stuff) is carefully provided with 'Natural Immunity Enhancers'. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Hellsfire, we could get the fools to pay more iffen we guaranteed that ever' potato they bought was pissed on by a Honduran. Dr. Mendle Meddle: You know Dick, that gives me an idea. Our clients have to pay millions to put Porta-Potties in the field. Getting rid of them allows "natural immunity enhancers" to be available right on the spot. Saves our client money and stops the pickers from wasting time trekking back and forth to the Porta Potties. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think this is one of our best day's work! Emil, you and Sylvia sure did us proud. Ah cain't think of a single improvement! Dr. Emil Twist: The fools are going to end up with dysentery! Dengue fever! Cholera! Hepatitis A, B, and C! We'll get increased billings from our medical clients. Hordes of field beasts will be soilin' themselves! Making office visits! Buying more medicine than ever! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Emil, what a great discovery! They'll need more clothes, soap, air fresheners, medicines, and they'll have to cook everything until it tastes like paste. We'll cost 'em big money, good health, and take more joy out of their lives! What a triumph! Dr. Ramjet Singh: Truly, it is an honor to be around you! I never dreamed that such feats were possible. Oh, the lies you tell! And so quickly, so naturally. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank there's even more we could do. Take medicine, fer instance. What iffin there were "natchural immunity enhancers" in it? It would negate its curative effects! They'd all be sick 'n takin' medicine lots longer! NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENT IS PLEASED WITH 'NATURAL IMMUNITY ENHANCER' AND FEELS THIS CONCEPT WILL GENERATE INCREASED PROFITS. HOWEVER, IF THE FIELD BEASTS GET TOO SICK TO WORK, CLIENTS MAY LOSE MONEY. Dr. Mendle Meddle: That's right! Let's focus our marketing of death and destruction on non-productive segments of the economy. Take old people. Who cares how sick they get? They don't have anything better to do than hang around their doctors' offices, anyway. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Good point, Mendle. Young people don't have jobs, either. Let's try this: "You may feel older than you are. You may not be making the money you deserve or have the energy you want. It's not because your body has betrayed you. Uncaring food producers cause this damage by over-processing the very food you eat." Dr. Ramjet Singh: Sylvia, I think I see where you're going with this. People who already think they're too sick to work will make themselves the targets of a campaign to make them even sicker. Dr. Emil Twist: Sure. Old people. The unemployed. People with jobs that give them hours to think about stuff like this. We'll go after them. NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITEE: MANY OF OUR CLIENTS' CASH FLOWS DEPEND ON KEEPING OLD PEOPLE ALIVE TO PAY FOR USELESS MEDICINE. PLEASE REFINE. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Dang! We shoulda thought of that! Mebbe we should get 'em to jus' try "food fortified with natchural immunity enhancers" once or twice to see iffin it helps 'em. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Good point. And, I simply love "fortified" to describe food that has been peed on! It doesn't matter what the results are. All our clients want to do is churn merchandise through the retailers. When this campaign runs out, we'll come up with another one. Dr. Ramjet Singh: So, we'll say "Try, for a few weeks, to revitalize your life with food that has been 'enriched' with Natural Immunity Enhancers. Natural Immunity Enhancers aren't for everyone, but you may be one of the many, many people they will help." Dr. Emil Twist: Ramjet, that's brilliant! "Enriched!" Get 'em sick for awhile, but don't kill 'em. More money for everyone! For more billings, let's add "Ask your doctor about natural immunity enhancers." at the end. Any fool who'll prescribe or take statin drugs'll believe it's smart to eat food sprayed with some farm workers taking a. . . , oh, my, what if we resurrect Juan Valdez? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Well done, Emil! Our clients already have artwork. Ever'body can picture him in their minds. "Juan Valdez, workin' to provide you with 'natural immunity enhancers.'" Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Surely, we don't want to show pictures of him actually applying the natural immunity enhancers. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Only in my country, where such practices are commonplace. NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: A CLIENT HAS HAD AN INTERESTING IDEA ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SUBJECT. "WE SHOULD KNOW WHERE EVERY FARM ANIMAL IN THE WORLD IS AT ANY TIME." Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Why? Dr. Bemis Understood: Sylvia, think about it. There must be thirty or forty billion farm animals. To know where each one is, each one would have to have an RFID chip in it. Dr. Emil Twist: Oh, glorious day! Think of the tracking mechanisms. Cell towers on every farm! Automatic transmission of data to central locations! Downloading and tabulating! These are jobs that governments love. Dr. Ramjet Singh: They're the kind of jobs that go on forever, and no one has to do anything. No one knows if any of the data is correct. No one cares. No one judges. This is a miraculous idea! Dr. Bemis Understood: This could be the bureaucracy we've been praying for. Finally, jobs for all our relatives. Dr. Emil Twist: And, inspector jobs! They'll be able to make surprise inspections. If there's any animal without a transmitter, they can be fined. Inspector jobs provide endless bribes. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Better yet, if they ignore the law, we can confiscate their farms, and turn them into parks. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Make them places where The Children can learn more about the environment. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank that's marv'lous! Every chicken should have a chip. So should every egg. The second that an egg is laid, it should have a chip attached. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Two chips! One chip if it's going to lay eggs. Another chip in case it's grown for meat. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Oh, that's wonderful! We'll make it impossible for any but the largest producers to keep track of all this. Small food producers'll drop like flies! Dr. Emil Twist: Can we get chips on flies? Dr. Ramjet Singh: Emil, I can't tell if you're joking, or not. Dr. Emil Twist: You know what Ramjet? Neither can I. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Who will put the chips onto the eggs and animals? Dr. Emil Twist: The most expensive and inefficient method would be to use government employees in the new Department of Animal Identification. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Way to go! They'll get sick 'n tired of doin' actual work in a week or so, and'll end up contractin' it out to a couple hunnerd t'ousan' flunkies. DAI employees'll jus' sit 'round 'n "analyze". There'll be drones layered on top of drones. Half-dozen field beasts, outen of two er three hunnerd thousand employees, will be doin' all the actual work that gets done. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Then, that's the way to go! Who will get to be the head of the new department? Dr. Emil Twist: Well, I was the one who thought of it. NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. TWIST, YOU KNOW THAT MEMBERS OF A SUB-COMMITTEE ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO MAKE THAT DECISION. ONLY THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE CAN CREATE NEW DEPARTMENTS AND ASSIGN NEW DEPARTMENT HEADS. WE CAN TELL YOU, OF COURSE, THAT YOU WILL BE CONSIDERED FOR THE ASSIGNMENT. Dr. Emil Twist: When will you decide? Dr. Mendle Meddle: Emil, those questions have to go through me. Members are not authorized to communicate directly with the Executive Committee. When I hear anything, I'll let you know. NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENT HAS REQUESTED ACTUAL LIES TO HELP CONVINCE THE FOOLS THAT EVERY FARM ANIMAL IN THE WORLD SHOULD BE IDENTIFIED AND TRACKED THROUGHOUT ITS LIFE. Dr. Dick Dudewell: "Fore we get started, Ah have to admit, Ah'm a little jealous that Ah didn't think of the new department. That was a great invention, Emil. Regardin' makin' up some lies fer sellin' the fools on how important it is to 'dentify ever' farm animal, we kin use "Bird Flu". We been workin' on it long enough. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: That's right. How about this: "Just one infected chicken could wipe out the world's population. Those concerned about public health know that every, single chicken must be inspected when hatched and tracked throughout its life so that any infected chicken may be identified, isolated, and safely removed at any time." Dr. Emil Twist: Not bad, Sylvia. We can use variations of that for all the other animals. "It may only take one pig to infect the world with . . . oh, my, I've got an idea . . 'Super Trichinosis'". And, "It may only take one cow to begin a worldwide epidemic of, oh I don't know, hoof-in-milk disease." Dr. Dick Dudewell: Emil, that disease is actually 'hoof-in-mouth' disease. But, Ah thank that 'hoof-in-milk' may be better. It sounds vaguely familiar, but it's actually bran' new 'n completely untrue. "Bran' new, cumpletely untrue, Ah thank tha's why Ah lak it!" Repeat that two er three times 'n make a little song outen of it! Dr. Mendle Meddle: Dick, control yourself. The best thing is, of course, is that it doesn't actually exist. It's impossible for anyone to deny funding for a disease can't be proven not to exist, but sounds dangerous. "Hoof-in-milk" is the perfect imaginary disease. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: And, it does sound dangerous! Who would want to drink milk after a cow had put his unwashed hoof in it? Dr. Dick Dudewell: That should be "Her unwashed hoof." Sylvia, Ah hate to tell you, but cows are 'hers'. Bulls are males. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: His, hers, what difference does it make? We just want to get across the idea that a hoof that's been out in a dirty field is getting into milk that The Children may drink. We can tax and spend like crazy, once we get Help The Children tied in! Dr. Emil Twist: Let's get the Public Tubers to run a series. "It takes one leak to sink a ship. It takes one sick chicken to wipe out the whole world." We show footage of a ship sinking from a single leak. Then, a bunch of graves holding chicken, oops, bird flue victims, then giant bulldozers shoving computer generated bodies into mass graves bigger than the Panama Canal. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Maybe we actually could use the Panama Canal for that. Fill it up with inflated mannikins. Surely, we've got some global freezing or warming or nuclear winter footage that shows the burned-out remains of ruined cities? Dr. Mendle Meddle: That footage never goes out of style. The field beasts can't tell if they're looking at Berlin after the last war or Milwaukee after global whatever happens. Al Gore could read the script! Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah like Al, too. Ah reeely do. Prollum us, only the dumbest, angriest field beasts b'lieve 'im. The res' of 'em all think he's a ragin' idjit. 'N Kerry, they know what a lyin' weasel he is. Nope. We need somebody else, much as we all like Al. Dr. Ramjet Singh: I do not understand. In my country, when a politician loses, he is killed, or disappears on his own. Works in a curry factory or braids rope in a long, tin quonset hut. Your defeated politicians just go on and on, complaining and whining forever. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know jus' whatcha mean. Actually, it's only the old Democrats who go on whinin' and complainin'. L'il Jimmy Carter even makes me sick. Nothin' else they know how to do. Thank Ba'al the old Republicans jus' play golf. Keeps 'em offin the street. NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: PLEASE STOP WASTING TIME ON POLITICAL COMMENTARY AND PRODUCE BETTER LIES TO JUSTIFY LABELLING EVERY FARM ANIMAL WITH A LOCATING CHIP. THANK YOU. Dr. Mendle Meddle: All right, group, let's get focused. I think one lie we can tell is: "In the event a sick animal is found, the "Quarantine Chip", if we decide to call it that, allows us to trace the animal's life back to the beginning. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Love that name, "Quarantine Chip". Once we trace the animal back to its beginning, we can quarantine every single farm, warehouse, processing plant, freight car, restaurant, grocery store, and every other location near that animal. Dr. Emil Twist: That gives us endless opportunities for confiscation! Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y'all are missin' an important point. We can say that an infected animal was anywhere we want. Y'know. Iffin there was an unprogressive farmer, we could say the animal came from, or was driven by, his farm, which has to be turned into a "Conservation Area" so that it can be made "Quarantine clean". These Quarantine Chips'll give us the "evidence" we need to take property from anyone. Dr. Bemis Understood: Dick, your phrase "quarantine clean" is brilliant! Certainly, we can show that global disease must be controlled with Quarantine Chips. But, we still haven't proven that this imaginary "Bird Flu" is real. We still don't have lies to make it believable. I hate to be reminding you of this all the time, but it's important. We need a disease! An actual disease! Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know it, Bemis. No gummit'll authorize money without better lies than we have, now. We got medical experts crawlin' from Mongolia to Madagascar, tryin' to find a chicken sick enough to infect some people. We gotta get a coupla cities wiped out. Iffin we don't do that, our lies don't have a base, and without believability, there's no long-term profit. Dr. Mendle Meddle: We can't build huge lies without a grain of truth. Does anyone know anybody at Cleanfleece? Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Mendle, I'm speechless. Not to the point that I can't talk, of course, but, really, do you think we need to go that far? What would they do? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think Ah know where Mendle's headin' with this. Mendle, you want some city's water supply infected with som'thin' that we can call Bird Flu? Wipe out enough of the fools so that the rest of 'em'll give our clients some cash? Dr. Mendle Meddle: Does anyone have any better ideas? Dr. Bemis Understood: I have been racking my brain. There just aren't enough sick and dying people. We're going to have to wipe out a city, somewhere. Gas 'em, maybe. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: What city, Bemis? Dr. Bemis Understood: Someplace where they eat a lot of chicken. Dr. Dick Dudewell: They eat chicken ever'where. Question is, should it be in America, or somewhere else? Dr. Mendle Meddle: We can't kill Americans. Americans pay taxes. We can't kill Mexicans, 'cause they're cheap labor. Dr. Bemis Understood: We can do it in Africa. Someplace that's just starting to do well. Everybody's used to us killing Africans with malaria. No one'll care about a few more dying from bird flu. Ever since Rhodesia turned into whatever they call it now, it's been going downhill. We could wipe out a few there. We might as well. Mugabe's going to kill them if we don't. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Don't do it in a Marxist country. People will blame Marx. It has to be in a growing, rich country. How about Nigeria or Uganda? They're both doing well. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah never did lak Uganda much. Never been there. Jus' don't like the sound of the name. "Ah seen u ganda. Whachu ganda at?" Dr. Bemis Understood: Dick, let's try to keep on line. Maybe we should get Cleanfleece on it. Sylvia, we'll have to find out how much they charge, and turn 'em loose. Dr. Mendle Meddle: How about Canada? It seems to be shaking off the shakles of fifty years of solidly socialist goverments. Good time to take out Toronto. A plague of bird flu'll teach 'em to vote conservative! Dr. Bemis Understood: Well, there's always England. But, they're sinking so fast that it would be a waste of poison gas. I think Toronto is the place to eliminte. NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. THERE IS VASTLY MORE MONEY IN LIES THAN MASS MURDER. PLEASE COME UP WITH BETTER JUSTIFICATIONS FOR TRACKING FARM ANIMALS? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe, we been goin' at this wrong. What iffin we said that we needed to track the animals for breedin' purposes? We could say that improper breedin' weakened the animals and made it easier for them to catch dangerous diseases they'd pass on to pipple. Dr. Mendle Meddle: That's an interesting approach. And, if we didn't like someone, or if some company complained, we could "discover" that their flock, or herd, or whatever was "weak breeding stock" and that "it was too dangerous to let them multiply" Dr. Sylvia Sweem: And, it might hurt The Children! Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah got an even bigger whopper! What we do is tell 'em that "It is the consumer's responsibility to be sure that genetically impure meat is not purchased. Just check the rfid chip with your own pocket-scanner to be sure you're getting good meat." Dr. Ramjet Singh: That's incredible! Dick, you've figured out a way to sell an RFID chip for every single pork chop! Every rump roast! Trillions of RFID chips! You, sir, are a genius! Dr. Emil Twist: It's even better! The scanners are a brilliant part of the lie! Every meat eater should be required to have a scanner. Our clients will sell hundreds of millions of them! We'll make welfare departments buy them for welfare and food stamp people. Why should the poor be put at risk? Dr. Dudewell, you make Isaac Newton look like a retard! NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: VERY WELL DONE. NOW, ISN'T THAT A LOT BETTER THAN HIRING A GANG OF ENVIRO-GOONS TO WIPE OUT HALF THE POPULATION OF TORONTO? INSTEAD OF BEING DEAD, MILLIONS OF CANADIANS WILL BE FORCED TO BUY OUR POCKET SCANNERS AND JOIN IN THE IMPORTANT WORK OF AUTHENTICATING EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF MEAT THEY EAT. GOOD LYING! Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don' mean to be suckin' up, but iffin it warn't for THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE, we'da done gone and wiped out half of Canada's bigges' city. Lose all those customers. We kin feel good. We've done a good job! Dr. Mendle Meddle: This committee can be very proud of the work we've done, and we can be proud of our superiors for not letting us rest, and take the easy way out by killing half the people in Toronto. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah'm glad y'all are happy wiffin what we've done, but Ah have a question. Ah can't figger out how we gonna handle weenies. Dr. Bemis Understood: I see what you mean. Each piece of meat, at least I hope it was meat, that was put into a hot dog should have had an RFID chip. Combining pieces of meat from the thousands of animals that could go into a package of hot dogs would be an RFID nightmare. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y'all unnerstan' we got the very same pro'lem wiffin hamburger? Dr. Ramjet Singh: Let's just do nothing. Say that "Ground meat is, by virtue of its basic characteristics, comparitively safe to eat, as long as it's cooked thoroughly. By thoroughly, of course, I mean that it should be reduced to a thick, tasteless, gummy paste." Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Then, we tell the fools that "Taking into account the inherent safety in cooking ground meat, we didn't want to unnecessarily burden you with needless costs." Dr. Mendle Meddle: Oh, Sylvia, that's your best lie, yet. Telling the fools, "We didn't want to burden you with needless costs." is the biggest lie any of us ever told! NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CLIENTS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT ELIMINATING FAT FROM CHILDRENS' DIETS IMPEDES BRAIN DEVELOPMENT, INCREASES CHANCES OF EPILEPSY, AUTISM, REDUCES RESISTANCE TO DISEASE, AND CAUSES LONG-TERM HEALTH PROBLEMS. LIES ARE NEEDED TO CONVINCE THE FOOLS TO REDUCE FAT INTAKE BY USING SKIMMED MILK. OUR CLIENTS CAN CHARGE MORE FOR IT. EVEN BETTER, THEY CAN SELL THE FAT FOR ICE CREAM, BUTTER, AND OTHER HIGH-PROFIT ITEMS. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah guess that's purty good thinkin'. They'll make lots more, and so will our medical clients. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: It's a win-win. Why not have several grades of skimmed milk? We could have 2%, 1%, and Super-Skim No Fat. Dr. Bemis Understood: Why do we even need milk? Why not just mix gypsum and water to get the right color and consistency? Dr. Ramjet Singh: I am offended by real milk. The process of being milked is very demeaning, and the cows hate it. I can feel their shame and embarrassment. Dr. Bemis Understood: Water/gypsum milk with some soybean additives would let our clients sell their cows. Keep a couple for photographs and TV shots, but with make up and repainting, only six or eight cows in the whole country would be necessary. Dr. Emil Twist: If they dump their herds, won't the price of beef be depressed? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Fer awhile. But, our clients will make billions by butcherin' their herds. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Should we be concerned that the fools might miss the taste of real milk? Dr. Mendle Meddle: Most of them have never tasted real milk. With hyper-pastuerization, the taste has been pretty much eliminated, anyway. To forestall any objections, we'll make up some lies about "flavor enhancers" that "accentuate the taste of today's milk." Dr. Sylvia Sweem: "Today's milk". Brilliant, Mendle. That's a campaign, right there. "Tomorrow's milk" won't even have gypsum mixed in. We'll just sell 'em water in white containers. Dr. Mendle Meddle: How about just selling them water with little packets of gypsum they can mix in. You know, "For one percent milk, mix in half a packet, etc." We'll call it "custom milk for today's educated consumers." Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak that! The fools can barely read and write when they get out of high school. They love it when we call 'em "educated consumers". They'll think them l'il packets of powdered chalk are jes' what they need! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: The fools like to be told that they're "demanding", too. That way, they'll think they've specifically demanded that we provide the slop we'll sell them. Dr. Bemis Understood: Is there anything that we could put in "today's milk" that would be anti-fat? You know, actually dissolve fat in the peoples' body? Maybe, recycle it? Some of those half-ton, piano-crate people are sooo fat that they could recycle the fat they've already got for decades. Dr. Mendle Meddle: You know, maybe our customers could set up fat farms, where they could harvest that fat and recycle it. They have lots of uses for fat. Must be worth several dollars a pound. Or, it would be if they turned it into butter. Or, additives for "today's milk". Dr. Sylvia Sweem: This is sickening. Sometimes, I wish we could just let the fools alone, instead of always getting at them. Mendle, what you're suggesting is practically cannibalism. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Well, I can see how you could think that way. Because, of course, that's what it is. But, honestly, Sylvia, we've already taken most of their money. What else do some of them have left to take? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah kin appreciate where y'all are comin' from. But, the time isn't right. We need a few more horror and science fiction movies 'bout alternative food supplies to get 'em used to the idea. Make 'em think it's their "duty" to give, and losin' a few extry pounds is good for 'em. Dr. Mendle Meddle: I've got an idea! Let's make it so food stamps only work for 0% skim milk. That way, the welfare kids will have slower brain development, and will be utterly dependent! Dr. Bemis Understood: Mendle, that's wonderful! We could turn them all into morons. You know, sometimes, those welfare kids grow up to be decent citizens. We could put a quick stop to that! Dr. Ramjet Singh: And, they'd think it was for their own good! Mendle, you've hit a home run! Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah can see it now! All kinds of congressoids tellin' people how much they were "helping with the epidemic of childhood obesity." Dr. Sylvia Sweem: And, we've caused the obesity with food stamps! They're so dumb they deserve whatever we do to them. Dr. Bemis Understood: Sylvia, you've given me an idea. Let's invent the Poverty/Obesity Syndrome. We won't blame it on food stamps, but on the "insatiable eating caused by, oh, I don't know, global warming." Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know that the perfessers at Sludgewater State Multiversity are lookin' for som'thin' to justify more grants. The Poverty/Obesity Syndrome would be just the ticket! Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Let's call it POS. The fools think that learning what mindless governmental acronyms stand for is a sign of intelligence. They're so happy with their mindless accomplishment it never occurs to them to wonder if it's worthwhile. POS is so simple that even the dumbest newsspewers can get it right. Dr. Ramjet Singh: I can picture them, now. Sincere, perfectly groomed newsspewers nodding solemnly while reciting statistics about "The Poverty/Obesity Syndrome, known as POS, is of increasing concern to dedicated public health professionals. . ." Dr. Dick Dudewell: Fer the life of me, Ah cain't figger out how them newsspewers can keep a straight face. "Dedicated health perfessionals!", why they'd sell their own mommas iffin they thought they could head up a new health problem task force! Dr. Ramjet Singh: I think each newsspewer uses a pound of botox. Their facial muscles must be nearly dead, after a few years of spewing such mindless drive. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: The money it will make! Bribes for managerial and administrative jobs! Kickbacks from suppliers! Whoever runs the POS Program will make two, three hundred million a year. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Now, Sylvia, we all know that's more than we make, but they do take risks. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Risks, mah ass! The only risk they got is gettin' hauled in front of some congressoidal committee where there's some congressoid who's mad caus' he din't git one of his relatives hared as the dee-rector. NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OVER THE PAST TWENTY OR THIRTY YEARS, WE HAVE HAD ONE IMAGINARY ALARM AFTER ANOTHER. SOME OF THE FIELD BEASTS THINK THAT EVERY PROBLEM THAT THAT WE HAVE BROADCAST IS A MINDLESS LIE. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Those kind of people should be eliminated. They are disruptive to a smooth, ongoing process of redistribution. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mendle, Ah thank that the EX'UTIVE C'MITTEE is suggestin' that mebbe we be needin' some better lies. Dr. Bemis Understood: That's exactly right. We need some better lies. Dr. Emil Twist: It's easy to say "we need better lies, we need better lies", but we need to put some truth in the lies to make them believable. Truth makes lies better. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: We know from years of high-level lying that isolating those little germs of truth and keeping them from destroying the whole lie is very, very hard to do. Dr. Bemis Understood: We've already told most of the believable lies. We've criminalized cholesterol, flogged fat, and monsterfied mercury. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Oh, stop with the alliteration, already. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: I was sort of enjoying it. But, I see your point, Bemis. Good lies are hard to come by. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y'all know what? Ah thank we should go back, 'n see iffin there's somethin' we missed. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Dick, I think we've lied about everything there is. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah knows that. Ah jus' think that we've missed some stuff. We kin jus' reverse all the ol' lies. Fer instance, all the time we've been demonizin' fat, 'n never one word critical of protein. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Dick, that's so true! We've never said anything bad about protein. Dr. Ramjet Singh: Or, Vitamin C. We only lie about how good Vitamin C is. Never about how bad. Dr. Emil Twist: All we have to do is take our old lies, change the old imaginary problem with the opposite imaginary problem, and preface the whole thing with "New medical research indicates that . . . " Dr. Mendle Meddle: I get it! "New medical research indicates that protein build-up on the walls of veins and arteries may cause blockages, reduce lifespans, and cause dangerous weight gain. A diet with any protein in it may destroy human life as we know it." Dr. Ramjet Singh: Cholesterol is actually good, because it stops protein build-up. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: And, in a couple of years, we replace "protein" with "white blood cells" or "fatty acid". Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank we could autymate the whole thang. Let's hire some low-level flunkies 'n nits to do research to find out how long a fad will effectively cause desired cash flows. Then, we have a program that tells the newsspewers to switch over to the new lie. Dr. Ramjet Singh: That's a wonderful idea! We could automate the newsspewers, too. Dr. Mendle Meddle: In some cases, we already have. At least three of the networks have been using robotized automatons. As long as they twitch, smile knowingly, and nod wisely, the fools can't tell the difference. With Dick's idea, we could go farther and automate the entire process. We don't even need people. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Let's look at replacing "problem" cholesterol with "problem" protein. If we do that, we have to replace statin drugs with something else. What can make as much money for our clients as Lipitor? Transcriber notes: A very long pause, lasting three and a half minutes, followed Dr. Sweem's question. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ain't nothin' that kin make as much cash as any of the statin drugs. But, iffin we don' try, we cain't do better. Dr. Mendle Meddle: My personal belief is that we can make protein reduction as important as lowering cholesterol levels. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: The best thing is that all the field beasts have heard the word 'protein'. It's not like we have to start from scratch. Dr. Ramjet Singh: I believe that we should identify 'protein' with undesirable people. Tell the fools that "Protein causes anti-social behavior." Dr. Emil Twist: It actually does, with dogs. Why, just the other day, I gave my little Bismark a pound of ground round, and he actually got snooty with me. Snarled, if you can believe it. From now on, he gets nothing but tofu treats. I make them myself, and . . Dr. Mendle Meddle: Emil, we don't care about tofu treats for Little Bismark. We've got bigger fish to fry. We need lies to get people to ingest protein-destroying chemicals. Dr. Emil Twist: Mendle, you should let me finish. If little Bismark gets angry and excited, his blood pressure must be up. We can tell the fools that it happens with them, too. And, they've all heard a million times that high blood pressure is bad. Dr. Bemis Understood: Thank goodness for little Bismark! We can have a line of "Protein Destroyers" for pets. Dr. Emil Twist: I think so, too. Not just dogs, but cats, fish, birds, rodents, reptiles, fish, amphibians. "Help your pet be/protein free." Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Let's start with animals, then move on to making people protein free. "Protein seems like it's natural for pets, but scientists have discovered that nature may be wrong." Dr. Ramjet Singh: Ohh, I like that! "Nature may be wrong!" If we can get the fools to believe that, we will have acheived a real triumph. Dr. Dick Dudewell: 'N we've gotten 'em to purty much quit believin' in God. Now, we be takin' nachure away frum 'em, too. They won' have nuttin' lef' 'ceptin' the gummint. Dr. Bemis Understood: It's so blatant. With cholesterol, we got the fools to think that when their brain told their liver to make cholesterol that it was wrong. Now, we're telling them that the very process of life, itself, is wrong. Dr. Mendle Meddle: What would we do without television? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know we shore couln' get lies this big across to 'em. Dr. Ramjet Singh: We're on the trail of something bigger, here. What we can do is say that the very truths upon which all life is based are lies. Big, blatant lies. We can undermine their very reason for living. "It's our duty.", we will tell them. Over and over again. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iffin we kin make 'em think that protein, the very stuff they're made of, is bad, we kin get 'em to run off'n cliffs lak lemmin's. Iffin they get so depressed and confused they cain't work, who will do what we need to have done? Dr. Mendle Meddle: Good point. If our lies are too big, they might get depressed, and just lie around the house all day. I've got lawns to be mowed. Windows to be washed. Children to be taken care of. Shirts to be ironed. I need field beasts working, and it's so much cheaper, and safer, to bring them in from poor neighborhoods than to keep them under armed guards in shacks around the house. NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE SHARE YOUR CONCERN THAT TOO GREAT AN ASSAULT ON TRUTH MAY ENNERVATE THE FIELD BEASTS, MAKING THEM TOO USELESS TO DO WHAT THEY CAN FOR US. STILL, ELIMINATING FOOD PROTEIN COULD BE REMARKABLY PROFITABLE. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe we've gone too fer. Instead of protein elimination, let's have "Protein Regulators". Dr. Sylvia Sweem: That's a marvelous name! "Protein Regulators" sounds a little like "beta blockers", and they eat them right up. Dr. Ramjet Singh: "Beta-blockers"? What are they? Dr. Mendle Meddle: Oh, Ramjet, how should any of us know? It is a wonderfully catchy phrase that describes some pill or magic capsule they're convinced they should take. Dr. Emil Twist: Rather than medicine, what about a "protein regulating wave generator". They plug it in and point it at whatever point of their body needs to have its protein regulated? Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah'd like to see 'em come in a lotta sizes. We'd need great, big Protein Regulatin' Wave Gen'rators fer reelly fat pipple. Mebbe 440 volts. L'il ones fer li'l kids that'd be power'd by flashlight batteries. Bigger ones that plug into wall outlets fer teens. Got to Pertec' The Childr'n. NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: PLUG-IN DEVICES DO NOT GENERATE LONG TERM INCOME. PRESCRIPTIONS, ON THE OTHER HAND, CAN BE MADE TO LAST AS LONG AS THE FIELD BEAST LIVES. Dr. Mendle Meddle: Let's do both! Sell 'em one or two expensive electronic devices to start out. They're necessary to "soften up the tough, artery clogging protein deposits" and then, "lifetime prescriptions to keep us truly safe from deadly protein build-up". Dr. Sylvia Sweem: Great lying, Mendle! Big, up-front cash flows followed by an ongoing, steady income stream. You've hit a grand slam! NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. MEDDLE, YOUR 'ONE-TWO PROTEIN PUNCH' IS ONE OF THE MOST OUTSTANDING LIES THIS COMMITTEE HAS EVER GENERATED. CONGRATULATIONS! IT APPEARS THAT WE MUST GET THE MEDICAL LIES COMMITTEE INVOLVED IN THIS. WE'VE GONE BEYOND MERE FOOD AND FOOD ADDITIVES. Dr. Mendle Meddle: On behalf of the Food Committee, I must protest! First of all, we are not developing lies about "mere food and drug additives ". We are an important confusion generator, a crucial lie originator, and we are developing outstanding cash flows for customers. Dr. Sylvia Sweem: It doesn't seem right! We were the team that developed the "One-Two Protein Punch". We can make a protein scam that's every bit as profitable as the cholesterol myths. It would be wrong not to give us proper credit. Dr. Emil Twist: I just don't know what I'd tell my little Bismark. Why, if it hadn't been for my little Bismark, we wouldn't have thought of any of this. I'm very depressed, and little Bismark is so sensitive he's sure to be depressed, too, when he finds out that the Medical Lies Sub-Committee gets credit for what he, really, is responsible for. . . Oh, this is going to be the worst weekend of my life! Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah'm shore Ah don' know jes what to do. Dr. Mendle Meddle: It doesn't matter to you! You're on both committees! You're on all the committees! You make money no matter whose lies are selected! NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. MEDDLE, YOUR TEAM IS OUT OF CONTROL. THEY ALL SIGNED THE SAME AGREEMENT. WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO TRANSFER LIES TO THE TEAM THAT CAN DO THE MOST WITH THEM. WHILE WE FEEL THAT YOUR PROTEIN LIES ARE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL, WE HAVE DECIDED THAT EXPERT MEDICAL LIARS MAY BE ABLE TO DO MORE WITH THEM. Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iffin Ah may resp'tf'ly interrupt the Honorable Executive Committee, Ah'd like to sugges' that the Food Lies AND the Medical |