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FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  

    Our ongoing assignment is to convince an entire nation that public education is doing a good job at a reasonable price.     

   Surveys show that over 15% of Americans believe that Public Education is a mammoth fraud.  These radical elements are to be discredited.     

    Our clients include large teacher unions, big contractors, and certifying universities.  Below them in importance are various associations of school secretaries, cafeteria workers, bus drivers, principals, superintendents, legal advisors, coaches, librarians, book publishers, bond issuers, food suppliers, desk and furniture manufacturers, and a myriad of other groups whose massive cash flows from taxpayers into their own pockets must be protected.   

Dr.  Weldon Burger:  Before we get started, I'd like to introduce you all to Dr.  Dick Dudewell.  He's one of the most accomplished liars on any of the Lie Committees, and is now a member of every Lie Committee.  He's a very busy man!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah've got to say it's a real honor to be assigned to the sub-committee for Education Lies.  This is one of the oldest groups of the Lie Committee.  It's an honor, Ah say, a real honor.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Dick, as the titular head of this sub-committee, we want to welcome you.  For those who don't know, Dr. Dudewell is the longest-serving member of the Food Lies Sub-committee.  And, he's just won a major award for one of his fine lies for the Energy Lies Sub-committee.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  Dr. Dudewell, I've admired your work for years, and I can tell you, you are a real role model for all of us.  

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  Your fame precedes you, Dr. Dudewell.   Your lie about praying mantises joy-riding on water-pumping windmill vanes for the Energy Lie Committee was absolutely superlative.  

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Thank y'all fer your kindness.  But, Ah shorely don' wan' ter be keepin' us frum wurkin'.  We need some right good lyin'.  Dr. Berger, how should we start?

Dr. Weldon Berger:  We'll we've gotten the little bastards so utterly confused by whole language and sight reading and all the rest of the drivel we've crammed down their throats that we need something different.  I'd like for us to consider a new lie, 'Semi-Random Alphabetization''.  

Dr.  Tiffany Trotsky:  Ohhhh, that sounds interesting!  

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  Thank you Tiffany.  It'll help keep the little bastards from reading anything at all until they graduate from high school.  What we do is randomly select every fourth, fifth, or eleventh letter in any text and replace it with a randomly chosen letter or number.    

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That's absolutely wonnerful!  Ah got 'nother idee.  Mebbe we could be havin' some of our Congressoids pass a law keepin' the l'il bastards in school 'til they're at least eighteen or twenty.  Increases fundin' while it guarantees they'll be illiterate lots longer.  

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Dick, that's wonderful.  A two-pronged attack on sanity and rational thought.  Public Educators everywhere will be proud of you.  May I suggest that we add a third prong to the attack?  Within months of cramming this legislation through, we demand more reading specialists.  "For the children."  Why, with Dr. Berger's brilliant 'Semi-Random Alphabetization' and your idea for increasing the time students are forced to spend in school, we get more funding than ever!  Let's legislate one new reading specialist for every three or four students.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'd like ter sugges' a variation of Dr. Berger's wonnerful lie.  Why not add "Semi-Random Numerification".   Have textbook publishers randomly change every tenth or twelfth number in ev'ry math book.  We'll say that "We want the children to think while they do math, not just do mindless, rote learning." That'll fix the l'il bastards so they'll never be able to figure out anything. 

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Dick, I can't believe you haven't been telling education lies for years.  "Semi-Random Numerification" is brilliant.  And, we've got the dumber field beasts already thinking that memorizing things like multiplication tables is demeaning and a waste of time, so it fits right in.  Where'd you learn to lie that well?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Before Ah was promoted to perfeshunal lyin', Ah was on a local school board for several years.  After that, lyin' jes' came natchurally to me.  Ah learnt that iffin I talked like a hick, Ah was more believable.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR. DUDEWELL, YOU MAY HAVE DEVELOPED A NEW BILLING OPPORTUNITY.  WE WILL IMMEDIATELY APPROACH LARGE INCOME TAX RETURN PREPARERS TO HELP FUND THE NECESARY RESEARCH .  THE WORSE THE MATH SKILLS, THE MORE PEOPLE HAVE TO HIRE THEM.  VERY WELL DONE, DR. DUDEWELL!  

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Wonderful work!  By hiring all those useless reading specialists and aides, we'll be able to nearly double property taxes and the fools will be too numerically illiterate to figure it out.   That'll help drive the field beasts into public housing.  Now, new billings from a completely new source of income!  Who'd have ever thought we'd have made Public Education so bad?  A dream come true!

Dr. Weldon Berger:  You're right, Tiffany.  Dr. Dudewell, since you may not have had time to catch up on what we learn to call "Philosophy of Education", and we say that without snickering, a quick review is in order.  As you know, The Educaton Sub-Committee has always had one, basic, fundamental lie.  "The few remaining problems in Public Education are caused by lack of funding." 

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  And, the fools believe it.  They are sooo dumb!  Any time we have some newsspewing moron recite that "The few remaining problems in Public Education are caused by lack of funding.", you can almost see the fools in their living rooms nodding up and down.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Mark is absolutely right.  Their capacity to believe our lies is almost boundless.  After we've gotten them to believe that "The few remaining problems in Public Education are caused by lack of funding.", we zero in on one of our eternally favorite lies, "We need smaller class sizes."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Y'all already have that.  Why, when Ah was goin' ter school in Texas, we had thirty or forty kids in a class.  Now, there's only twenty.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  In progressive districts, we are down to four or five students in a classroom!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That's 'mpressive!  That's pow'ful good lyin'!

Dr.  Tiffany Trotsky:  Now, we want national legislation, limiting class sizes to ten, and one aide for every five students.  That also gives us a better opportunity to indoctrinate the little bastards.  In their wretched little minds, the state becomes the real parent and the parent becomes the oppressor.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Iff'n Ah hadn't seen how good y'all could lie, I'd have thought it was impossible to even think of such a thing.  Why, if we dubble er triple property taxes in a few years, we'll drive more of those dam' field beasts right into bankruptcy!  Destroy the housin' industree!  Why, they'll lose everything!  Wonderful!

Dr. Weldon Berger:  We'll closer to state barracks and dining rooms.  Oh, the joy!

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  In the meantime, we'll have to spend billions rebuilding all the schools.  Existing classrooms were built for thirty students.  A teacher, ten little bastards, and two aides will feel "exposed" and "uncomfortable" in those huge classrooms.  We'll have to build new, "cozy" classrooms, that are "conducive to small group learning experiences."  There'll be bond issues beyond counting.  Our clients will make billions!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  You guys think of everything!  What a great Sub-Committee!

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  PROGRESS IS BEING MADE. OUR CLIENTS HAVE REQUESTED SPECIFIC LIES DIRECTED TO UNDERMINING THE CREDIBILITY OF HOME SCHOOLING.  MANY PARENTS ARE AMBIVALENT, AND WE NEED TO CONVINCE THEM THAT HOME SCHOOLING IS WRONG.  WE ALSO NEED TO CONVINCE LEGISLATORS TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Let's get down to business. We have a specific assignment.  We are to discourage home schooling.  Every time a student leaves a public school, the little bastard's district loses ten or fifteen thousand dollars in funding.  Why, when two or three hundred students leave an elementary school, someone might suggest firing a teacher!  We've got to stop home schooling!

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  I propose this lie:  "Students at home are more likely to catch diseases."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tiffany, that's good!  It's even better because it's the exact opposite of the truth.  We had a similar lie on the food committee.  We said hundreds of thousands of chickens in giant chicken houses generated "large group immunity".  If it works for chickens, it'll work for the l'il bastards.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Is there any truth to the concept of "large group immunity"?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Not a grain of truth in it.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Well, it sounds magnificently believable.  Lots of field beasts will swallow it!  I like it.  Let's call it "Self-generated student immunities."

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Even better, we say that if there are more than ten or twelve of the little bastards in one room, the "self-generated student immunities" effect is reversed.  The l'il bast. .  . I mean, students, will all get sick and probably die.  We tie the lies together and maximize profits for our clients!

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Weldon, that is absolutely, ovewhelmingly brilliant!  Why, you're another Thomas Edison, or somebody like that.  That's the greatest lie we've ever had!

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Well, let's give some credit to Dr. Dick Dudewell.  After all, his being here was to, in the words of the Executive Committee, cross-fertilize our lies, and he's done it!  Thank you, Dr. Dudewell.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Aw, shucks.  Twern't nothin'.  Ah'm jus' glad mah lies could help.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  I've been trying to think of a lie to increase the funding for local school districts.  As you know, the field beasts still think they can elect school board members who will stand up for them, rather than automatically rubber-stamping whatever spending levels we need.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Dr. Pendant, y'all are surely right.  Why, when Ah was on a school board, sometimes the field beasts would get together 'n elect somebody who'd cut taxes.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  That's awful.  That's why we need those electronic voting machines.  We can't be running the risk of the fools electing their own candidates.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Well, it happens, sometimes.  What I'd like to do is get legislation that gives each school board member the legal right, if not the duty, to hire at least one of their friends or relatives every year.

Dr. Tiffany Troksky:  That's brilliant!  That way, we can totally eliminate the few good teachers that seem to slip throught the cracks and guarantee that we have mindless, Marxist boobs in every classroom. 

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  And, relatives on the payrolls keep school board members voting the right way.  With Dr. Pendant's suggestion made into law, school board members can't vote to cut budgets without enraging their own families and friends.  Brilliant lying, Dr. Pendant.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  'N y'all know what else?  The one, common deenominator of ever' single school board member is a deep, drivin' desire to be 'mportant.  Why, they loves bein' 'mportant.  This'll help 'em be mo' 'mportant than ever. 

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Well said, Dr. Dudewell.  They also love to spend other people's money.  But, that's only because it makes them feel so important.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  We've done extensive research on school board members.  It's true that school board members are driven by a desperation for attention and a need to feel important.  We've found that many of them actually hate and despise their neighbors.  They deeply enjoy taxing them while nodding solemnly and reciting "we didn't want to raise taxes, but we had no choice".

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Then, they're just like us, only dumber.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That purty well sums 'em up.  Silly dam' fools.  Sold out cheap.  And, it's a 'two-fer' fer ahr side.  They loses their own soul, 'n the person they get hired to do sum'thin' useless prob'ly loses theirs, too.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:

     OUR CLIENTS ARE PLEASED WITH THE LIES ABOUT HOME SCHOOLERS GETTING DISEASES AND DYING.  HOWEVER, THEY FEEL THAT PARENTS WHO SCHOOL AT HOME ARE TOO SMART TO BELIEVE IT.  THEY WANT NEW LIES.  AND, CLIENTS WHO DEPEND ON MAKING MEANINGLESS ACCREDITATION SEEM IMPORTANT THINK THAT MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HOME SCHOOLED CHILDREN TO GO TO COLLEGE OR GET JOBS IS A GOOD AVENUE FOR NEW LIES.  WE AWAIT YOUR VITAL CONTRIBUTIONS.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  That is a good place to focus our lies.  We want laws so anyone has to be certified to do anything.  Those little home-schooled bastards may be smarter and know more, but that won't help them if we can keep them out of colleges and jobs.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Every human activity should require licenses and certification.  Getting any job should require at least two decades of attendance at public schools and universities.  We just tell the lie that "only government facilities are trustworthy since they aren't driven by profit motives."

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  A lot of them will believe that, but most of the public school "graduates", let's face it, can barely read and write.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  That's as it should be.  We just make every job easier to do.  That way, we can drive down their wages and they'll never get anywhere, not that many of them want to.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  We got most of the jobs so locked up that nobody can get to 'em, less'n some bureaucrat says so.  They can't drive buses, and they shouldn't be allowed to drive cabs.  They can't work in schools, hospitals, old pipple death centers, heck, they can't hardly do nothin' withoutten they get a piece of paper from us.  What's left?  Mowin' grass?   Prob'ly ought to license that, too.  We don't want anyone pushin' a lawnmower without a degree.  Might run over a flower.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  But, what lies do we have to keep them out of colleges?  Colleges are so desperate for students they admit those snotty little home-schooled know-it-alls all the time.  Even give them scholarships.  Those accursed home-schoolers win all the Spelling and Geography Bees. 

Dr.  Mark Sistor:  It's worse than that.  Home-schooled kids know how to multiply four digit numbers, do long division, even algebra.  They're so far ahead of the little bastards in our beloved public schools that, well, it just isn't fair!

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Let's start at the beginning.  Let's make it illegal to fill out a college application without going through an "Application Specialist".  We need a whole new program to create fifty thousand Certified Application Specialists.  Then, laws could keep them from referring any non-public school graduate to any school that taught anything more complicated than lawn-mowing.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  That way, we can mandate sole admissions power to Certified Application Specialists.  We'll fill the law and medical schools with absolute morons.  That would do more financial and health damage to the field beasts than anything.  Cody, your "Certified Application Specialist Program " is absolutely brilliant!  What an idea!

Dr. Weldon Berger:  I like it! It takes away even the random chance that smarter people might actually be in positions where they're able to do something better.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Weldon, Ah hate it when some smart, excuse mah French, son of a bitch, does som'thin' better.  Ah jus' hate it!  We gots to get the smartest people doin' the dumbest things.  Pickin' up litter, mebbe.  Make 'em try to make sense out of books with Semi-Random Alphabetization.  That's what I like to see. 

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  I hate 'em, too.  Smart people, well, they just think they, well, I don't know what they think, but I can tell they snicker at a lot of what I say.  We ought to declare war on them.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tiffany, mah dear, Ah think we already have.  That's why we're here.  That's why we need to get ever'thin' under control.  Everything we do is desi'ned to box up them smart pipple.  Ah'd like to get 'em all.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  FINE LIES!  VERY FINE LIES!  WE HAVE COMBINED REQUESTS FROM TWO CLIENTS, CHIROPRACTIC AND PUBLISHING.  CHIROPRACTORS WANT THE YOUNGEST POSSIBLE STUDENTS CARRYING THE HEAVIEST POSSIBLE BOOKS.  PUBLISHERS WANT THE SAME THING BECAUSE BIGGER BOOKS ARE INCREDIBLY PROFITABLE.  PLEASE GENERATE SOME LIES TO HELP.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Ohh, we can do good damage with this.  The little bastards should be bent over double, carrying big, useless, brand new textbooks everywhere they go!

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  The fools!  Don't they know that the old textbooks, like you see in antique bookstores, were better than these new, huge books that cost a hundred dollars apiece?  Those old books were smaller than a cheap paperback.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Sure they were.  Real cheap to make, too.  And, better.  Why, those books actually taught people how to read, write, and do arithmetic on their own.  Our huge, new books, all stuffed full of fancy charts and huge color photographs of shrinking ice caps and dying polar bears, don't teach 'em anything.  Oh, the fine work we do!

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Textbooks should not be teaching anything!  One of our best lies is, "color photographs add to learning".  The fools will believe that, especially when our newspewing morons say so ten times a day for a month on color TV.  Then, we tell the fools that "large textbooks force the student to take learning seriously."

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Outstanding!  The parents will look at their illiterate children struggling with huge bookbags and think something useful is being accomplished!  The little bastards' spines will be twisted up like pretzels from carrying giant books, and their parents will have their taxes raised to pay for them!

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  The field beasts are so-o-o-o dumb!  Not a single one of them is smart enough to realize that the copyrights have expired on the good textbooks from a hundred years ago.  All they need to do is run the old books through a copy machine, for a dollar or so.  Now we're making the filthy field beasts pay a hundred bucks for each compilation of academic crap.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Weldon, I don't think you should be saying those things out loud.  What if a hacker got into these transcripts?

Dr. Weldon Berger:  So what if they do?  What are they gonna do about it?  You think they can put forth the sustained effort to replace their school board stooges with independent thinkers?  Hah!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Weldon's right.  Once in a while, we should rub their noses in it.  Dam' field beasts.  Ah don' know why Ah hate 'em, but Ah do.  Ah just hates 'em clear through."

Dr. Weldon Berger:  We all hate them, Dick. 

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  WE HAVE FOUND THAT SOME SCHOOLS ARE TEACHING CHILDREN TO STUDY THINGS THAT MAY BENEFIT THEM.  THIS MUST STOP.  OUR CLIENTS NEED LIES TO JUSTIFY HAVING STUDENTS STUDY THINGS OF ABSOLUTELY NO VALUE.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  That is a problem.  Some of the unenlightened schools are still producing a handful of children who can read and write.  They should only be allowed to read and write about things of no importance.  I suggest a series of lies about the importance of dinosaurs.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Dinosaurs?

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Sure.  Dinosaur studies help us in many ways.  First of all, studying dinosaurs wastes an incredible amount of time.  Rather than learning history, math, or, even their own language, they can be made to waste decades, even while they subconsciously know that they're being made to do something that's utterly useless.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah likes it!  Why, there mus' be hunnerts of dinosaur types.  The little basta'ds should be forced to learn all their names. 

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  But, we don't even know if dinosaurs were warm-blooded or cold-blooded.  No one knows much about them.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  So what?  We just get the usual college "professors" to write up a new bunch of drivel.  The texbook publishers get to print huge, mammothly expensive books, maybe with life-size foldouts, and we cripple the little bastards' minds at the same time we cripple their bodies by making them carry the monstrous books.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  There are other benefits.  We can blame their extinction on global warming, or giant meteors, or something else that one of our clients needs funding to "make the world safe from".  Make them think that whatever imaginary problem is the most believable is the thing that wiped them out.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Plus, we have the opportunity to make the few remaining religious people look really stupid.  "Look,", we tell them, "dinosaurs are now known to have been wiped out thirty or forty billion years ago.  That makes your religious beliefs more ridiculous than ever."

Dr. Weldon Berger:  But, what about the ones who figured out that God programmed the whole thing so people could use their free will to decide to believe the Bible or Darwin?  How do we deal with them?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tha's right.  Some o' them new Fundymentalists think that God could program in three dimensions.  Y'all know what that means?  Iffin they're right, then we'all got a credibility problem bigger'n Texas.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  We don't want them to think about that.  Too many profitable lies are at stake.  Best thing to do is ignore it.  Deluge them with information about mindless, imaginary problems so that's all they are able to think about.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  That's right.  The existing religious professionals all have cash flows to maintain.  They'll attack any kind of new religious belief that would hurt their incomes.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  It's not just Christian fundamentalists who believe their God made the universe fairly recently.  Moslems think the world is only ten thousand years old, and so do some primitive Jews.  

Dr. Weldon Berger:  All the more reason to focus on dinosaurs.  We get the kids believin' in dinosaurs and we make it harder for them to accept any religious beliefs that mention a God with any kind of real power.  We've got to get the U.N. involved in forcing the foreign schools to study dinosaurs.  If they don't stop teaching math and science, they don't get any funding.  The international money people know how to work that.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Yep. We need to get kids all over the world studyin' dinosaurs.  I got a good idea.  Why not tell 'em that the dinosaurs could read and write?

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Dick, with all due respect, that's ridiculous.  No one would ever believe that.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  I don't know, Mark.  They are pretty dumb.   We could say that dinosaurs were actually a lot like us, but they destroyed themselves when they invented fire, and caused global warming.

Dr. Mark Sisthor.  You two may be right.  The fools may have been dumbed down enough to believe even that degree of mindless claptrap.  Let's get some news releases out:  "Scientists have uncovered evidence that dinosaurs may have existed in primitive 'societal forms'.  Other scientific investigators now believe that dinosaurs were actually able to raise their own food."  It'll be a good guage of how dumb they are.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Mark, I love the way you dress up a bunch of broken-down pseudo-intellectuals as 'scientific investigators'!  That's a great lie in and of itself.  Let's have the Geography mags get busy on it.  Would the dinosaurs be wearing clothes?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Shor' would.  They could be wearin' cowboy hats, herdin' cows, plowin' fields.  Dancin'.  Beatin' on tom-toms.  They could even have a king, you know, sittin' on a big throne.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  This is wonderful!  It's our best lie since new math!  In the Weekly Non-Reader, we could have contests where kids would try to figure out the Dinosaur King's name!  What foods they like to eat.  Whether they had electricity.  Oh, what glorious lies!

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Ohh, I've got a great lie!  Let's tell the fool-herd that they've been misprouncing and misspelling "dinosaurs" for their whole lives.  Tell the fools that the correct spelling is "dinosuars", and that the emphasis is on the "o".

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  What would be the point of that?

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Just to stuff a little more garbage into their minds. 

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Remember the fun we had when we made the fools pronounce it "Neandertall" instead of "Neanderthal"?  Some of the clods actually thought that's how the Neandertalls pronounced their name.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Oh, it was pathetic.  Every pseudo-intellectual jerk and jerkette with an advanced degree mindlessly started saying "Neandertall" like they thought they were doing something important.  Then, they'd actually instruct the other fools how to say it properly.  I couldn't keep a straight face!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They thought they was doin' som'thin' reel 'mportant.  Ah don' know what else they could do.  Ah mean, they've stuffed theyselves so full of ev'ry lie we've taught 'em that they jes' plain cain't think no more.  Mebbe we should tell 'em that "new evidence indicates that no Neandertalls were more than five feet tall, so's they oughten to be callin' 'em "Neandershorts".  Bubble-headed nits.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  That would be fun!  It's such a joy to watch pseudo-intellectuals learning new ways to make themselves look so stupid.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah likes it lots mor'n shootin' fish in a barrel!

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:

WE HEARTILY CONGRATULATE YOU.  FORCING CHILDREN TO STUDY DINOSAURS WILL WASTE ENTIRE YEARS OF SCHOOLING THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SPENT LEARNING ALGEBRA, CHEMISTRY, AND A WHOLE HOST OF THINGS THAT MIGHT ALLOW THE FIELD BEASTS TO GET BETTER JOBS AND NOT HAVE TO RELY ON US, THEIR TRUE FRIENDS.  AT YOUR NEXT MEETING, FOCUS ON MORE WAYS TO WASTE CLASS TIME STUDYING UTTERLY UNIMPORTANT SUBJECTS.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  This will be fun!  I think we should make the little bastards study The Environment.  "The Environment" should always be pronounced in reverential tones.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  I agree.  We replace useful sciences like chemistry and physics with sheer drivel.  Endless eco-crap.  Make 'em get "certified" to teach it.  More jobs for simpletons.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah think it's a great idea!  While we're stuffin' 'em full of lies and fears, we make 'em hate people who actually get things done 'n make 'em be afraid of what they make.  We want people who accomplish things to look lak real scary criminals.  We want 'em to thank that Thomas Edisons should be shot afore they git started.

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  Such people are criminals.  Changing things.  Upsetting applecarts.  They've got to be stopped, no matter what they're doing.  Malcontents, the lot of them.  Smart people are too smart for their own good.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Too smart for our own good, too.  Smart people can tell when we're lying.  The more "radical" and "dangerous" and "out of control" we can make them seem to be, the more believable we are.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  We gotta develop a curriculum to teach the l'il bastards a few basic facts.  Ah've got a goal for us to reach.  First of all, we convince 'em that anyone moving faster than a bicycle is committing a crime against nature.

Dr.  Tiffany Trotsky:  Ohhhh, I like that! 

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  I've got one!  Let's make it illegal for anyone to move anything faster than a bicycle.  That'll slow 'em down.

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  Would that include baseballs and hockey pucks?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Yep.  Fast-movin' baseballs and hockey pucks make slower students feel reel bad 'bout theyselves.  Sets the li'l basta'ds up for failyure.  "No one should move any sports object move faster than the worst player wants." should be the basic law of both sports and physical eddycation.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  I love the way the early Lie Committees put "physical" next to "education".   Even the smartest field beasts are so used to it they don't even notice.  Can you imagine, whole nations thinking that running, jumping, and hitting balls qualifies as "education"?

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Hey, those kind of things waste a lot of time.  If those little bastards were in classrooms, instead of moving inflated bladders around ball fields, they'd graduate from high school knowing statistics, economics, and history so well they'd know that everything we say is a lie.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  We don't want that!

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  YOUR PROGRAMS WILL WASTE BILLIONS OF CLASS HOURS WITH THE SHEEREST DRIVEL ABOUT DINOSAURS AND ENVIRONMENTAL "STUDIES".   WE'D LIKE YOU TO COME UP WITH WAYS TO GET CHILDREN TO WASTE BOTH TIME AND ENERGY.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Best way to do that is sex-ed.  Get the little bastards turned on and keep them turned on.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That's the truth!  Sex-ed gets a lot of the girls pregnant, gets a lot of the guys to focus on more destructive things than learnin', and spreads diseases.  Wrecks lots 'o lives!  Sex-ed is a home run for our side!

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  It helps all of us.  I think that we should add that old maxim "practice makes perfect" into each sex-ed curriculum.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Tiffany, I'm impressed!  Having the little bastards actually fornicating in the classrooms is a brilliant idea.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm all fer it, but it's too big a lie, too fast.  At the rate we're goin', we'll have 'em doin' all that, 'n more, but tryin' to get that started now would jes' mobilize some of the more radical parents against us.   Might cut funding.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Cut funding!  That's outrageous!  If there's the slightest danger of that happening, then we can't have classroom fornication.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  I retract my lie immediately!  We don't dare do anything that would cut public education spending!

Dr. Weldon Berger:  I should say not.  Some teacher somewhere might actually have to put in eight hour days, five days a week, fifty weeks a year!  Progressive teachers are far too good to be treated like field beasts.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  That's true.  If we can't keep our part of the bargain, they get their souls back, not that they'd know what to do with them.  Sex-Ed shouldn't just be in the classroom.  We've forced libraries into most schools.  Let's load them up with every possible variant of pornography.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  That'll warp a lot of little minds!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank we ought'n ter be encouragin' teechers to get closer to their students.  Get 'em thinkin' that their students need reel 'person'l attenshun'.  Then, pretend to be outraged while we get 'em arrested, then out on parole 'n make sure they're rehired somewhere else.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  That's a good way to get rid of good teachers, too!  Promise some vicious li'l bastard a college scholarship or a new car to testify against the best teachers they've had.  I hate good teachers, and making them fear lawsuits that might be twenty years down the road will keep 'em in line. 

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah hate good teechers, too.  They keep the bad 'n lazee teechers from feelin' good about themselves.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Who has a better right to feel good about themselves than bad teachers?  If we had only good teachers, we'd only need a third as many.  Taxes would be cut, and that would be awful. 

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  We do need to keep passing out condoms.  Every student should have at least a dozen or so.  Let's replace the Pledge of Allegiance with "Condom Inspections" to make sure that they're all prepared.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Right you are.  And, we could take up a lot of class time having them put condoms on themselves and each other.  Think that would fly, Dick?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah don' thank it would.  Mebbe iffin they jus' put condoms on themselves it would be all right.  Mebbe in gym.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Oh, oh, I've got a great idea! After we get the boys busy putting condoms on, we'll have our subordinates at Civil Liberties bring lawsuits so that equal time and money is spent showing girls how to do the same thing.  Equal education means something, after all.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  We need a  classroom program called "Students check for chancres".  Convince the little bastards that they've all got some sort of venereal disease, and "constant vigilance is the price of good health".

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Makes it sound like we care.  Ah lak that!

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  I think we're missing opportunities with bus time.  While the little bastards are riding around on school buses, we should at least be playing the loudest, foulest music we can find.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Play it really loud!  We don't want anyone reading or studying on the bus.  And, let's encourage the bigger kids to beat up the little ones.  Talk dirty, fight, have as much sexual activity as they can get away with.  School bus time is a great opportunity for our side. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah should say it is!  Why, in West Texas, we got kids riding clean in from New Mexico, or is it old Mexico, Ah don' know, anymore, to Sludgewater Falls High.  It's 'bout a hunnerd miles, each way.  L'il basta'ds are on a bus or in school from 3 AM to 9PM.  They never get enough sleep, and mos'ly onlee see their parents on the weekends.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  And, that's too much!  Little bastards ought to have school-barracks.  We could use them on weekends and vacations to do building maintainance.  

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tiffany, Ah don' think that many school board members hate the l'il bastards quite that much.  But, they's headin' in that direction.   Mebbe soon.

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  Why do they even need homes?  We provide breakfast and lunch.  In the best districts, we give 'em "Working Mommy Dinners".  So, we've practically got state dining rooms.  We need state barracks.  It's a natural evolution of what we've done so far, and we all know how important evolution is.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  They should sleep at their desks, shower in the gyms, and spend the rest of their time marching and listening to speeches.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  WE MUST INTERRUPT.  CLIENTS FOUND THAT HIGH PROFIT MARGINS ARE GENERATED WITH ORGANIC FOOD.  BY REPLACING CAFETERIA FARE WITH FOOD THAT, IF IT WEREN'T LABELED "ORGANIC", WOULD BE ILLEGAL TO SERVE TO HUMANS, THEY MAKE MORE MONEY AND THE CHILDREN ARE KEPT FROM ADEQUATE NUTRITION.  PLEASE EXPLORE LIES IN THIS AREA.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  It's about time!  Hungry kids are more docile.  We've already gotten most of them eating school breakfasts and school lunches.  Limiting their food to a few carrot sticks and lettuce leaves twice a day keeps 'em quiet.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  And, we get to tell parents it's good for the children.  How I love to have their own parents recite "It's good for the children" while we intellectually and nutritionally destroy them.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  We need pictures of really fat kids.  Let's make 'em believe that "America's schoolchildren are obese, but it isn't their fault.  Greedy special interests have addicted our children to high-fat food, even in school cafeterias."

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  'N we don't tell 'em that even greedier special interests in "organic foods" will be chargin' 'em a lot more fer lots less nutrients!

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Our clients are never greedy profiteers.  The only greedy profiteers are the ones who don't give us any of their profits.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  We must convince all children that fat is disgusting and that they are all far too fat.  We'll diet them into insanity, brain-damage, and permanent impairments.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Tiffany, that's a great idea!  While we make them into anemic bulemics, their self-confidence is destroyed.

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  Wonderful!  First, we fill them full of "self-esteem", then we shatter it by telling them they're all fat, ugly pigs.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ever' one of the l'il bastards should look like they jus' got out of a prison camp.  Skin 'n bones.  That's what they oughten t' look like.  'N their parents'll spend collective billions tryin' to help.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Let's make all the schools hire nutritionists to be sure they can't put on any weight.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Home inspectors!  We can hire millions of hostile, unhappy people to go around and inspect people's food cupboards and refrigerators.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Why stop there?  They could be hiding high-fat food anywhere.  The Food Inspectors should have universal search authority.  Well, not congressoid's offices, of course, no law applies to them, but Food Inspectors should be able to search anywhere else.  And, seize contraband, too. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  'N they'll have the right to determine the leegality of any type of product.  This is wonnerful!  Truly wonnerful!  We can have a whole new bureaucracy that the fools'll think is there to help 'em.  Help 'em be reduced to mal-nutritioned idiots is what they'll help 'em do.   That'll fix 'em!

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Let's set up a new agency.  A vast bureaucracy we'll call "Home Safety Commission"!  They'll be able to inspect anything, anywhere.  We'll drive the bastards into complete submission. 

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  And the schools will be in the forefront of the movement.  We'll be educating the fools to think it's for their own good.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  Their own good!  Hah!  This could be big, bigger than the EPA.  Why, we'll need thousands, maybe millions, of inspectors.  One percent of the population is all we need to produce food.  Twenty percent of the population will waste their lives inspecting and licensing every edible things they can find.

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  I don't want people to sneak food while they're driving. 

Dr.  Tiffany Trotsky:  No!  We can set up separate sub-divisions for vehicles.  Random vehicle inspections and "Crumb Checks" should be going on every hour in every state.  Every county.  Every township!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ever' single political unit, clean down to townships and wards, should have a local Food D'rector.  Each Food D'rector oughten ter have at least a coupla' hunnerd mean, nasty flunkies reportin' to him, her, or it.  We'll paralyze ever'thin'!

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  Think of it!  Years in jail for a bag of contraband potato chips.  Life-sentences for successful manufacturers and distributors of any food or product we decide is bad for them!  My Baal, we won't be able to build enough jails!

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Jails are too good for people like that.  Just fence 'em in open fields, to be "purified by sun and rain".  Baal, but I hate them. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tiffany, Ah lak that!  Ah really lak that! Jes' pen 'em up like the field beasts they are, 'n tell 'em it's good fer 'em. 

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Why bother telling them anything?  Just treat them like what they are.  That is what they are, that's what they deserve.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  Animals.  Drawers of wood and hewers of water.  Or, is it the other way around?  Who cares?  With saws and pumps, who needs any of them?

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: 

     DR. BERGER, YOUR COMMITTEE HAS GONE TO EXTREME POSITIONS THAT WILL NOT GENERATE ANY IMMEDIATE MONEY FOR OUR CLIENTS.  WHILE YOUR COLLECTIVE FANTASIES ARE ENJOYABLE, AND, CERTAINLY DESIRABLE IN THE LONG TERM, PLEASE GET YOUR COMMITTEE UNDER CONTROL.  THEY SEEM TO FORGET THAT OUR CLIENTS PAY US FOR LIES TO TAKE MONEY FROM THE FOOLS, NOT DESTROY THEIR CUSTOMERS.  BESIDES, SOME OF THEM STILL HAVE GUNS. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wal, they shore do.  Iffin we move too fast, one of us might get shot.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  It's disgusting to think that they have the ability to defend themselves!   Our lower level administrators are failing miserably.  They should be the first to be shot.  I'd like to shoot a few thousand of them, myself.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Tiffany, you know what THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has directed.  We are to generate fees for clients, not destroy those from whom the fees ultimately come.  I regret to inform you that if you do not bring your very understandable hostility toward the fools under control, you will have to be removed from this Sub-Committee.

Dr. Tiffany Trotsky:  I am very sorry, Dr. Berger.  I have been dieting, and have reached my goal of half my mother's weight at my age, and have not been feeling well.  But, I did twice as well as she did.  Twice as well!  I wish she was alive so I could show her how much better I am.  I hate . . . .

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Tiffany, I'm going to interrupt to ask you to leave the discussion while I discuss your participation with the rest of the group.  I am cutting off your holographic image presence.

Dr. Tiffany Trotksy:  (deleted from discussion)

Dr. Weldon Berger:  You all heard her.  I'm afraid we're going to have to reassign Tiffany.  She has done a fine job, but hates the field beasts so much that she can't function effectively.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Weldon, Ah hate 'em too.  We all hate 'em.  That's why we're here. 

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  But, we only hate them enough to steal from them, and reduce them to greater dependency.  If they have ten dollars, we only want six or seven.  Tiffany wants it all, and then wants to kill them after she gets it.  If they were all dead, who would clean our houses and cook our food?

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  I have been making up new lies with Tiffany for many, many years.  She's always gone to extremes, but not like this.  She wanted to shoot several thousand low-level administrative people.  We can't have that.  If word got out, they might revolt.

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  We have to stop her.   Frankly, our clients may be worried.  They read these transcripts, or at least the PR people do.  They'd be afraid that Tiffany's ideas might get out, and disrupt cash flows.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Cash flow is what we're all about.  Tiffany wants to dry up the whole bloomin' river. 

Dr. Cody Pendant:  I don't want to fire Tiffany.  What possible job could she get?

Dr. Weldon Berger:  I don't know.  She's angry.  Actually, she's boiling over with rage.  She thinks she's better than everyone else.  She has no identifiable skills.  She hates to work.  The only thing we can do is get her assigned as a school superintendent.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wal, I thank that's a marvelous idea!  She's perfect for that.  Can she get along on a couple hunnerd thousand a year?

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  I think so.  We know she doesn't spend much on food!  But, we need a replacement.  We're already one short, and with Tiffany gone, we'll need one more besides.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE will have to decide how many new people we get and make the appropriate assignments.  In a few years, Tiffany may be able to return.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah doubt it.  After they get used to sittin' 'round all day bein' a school s'per'ntendent, this here heavy-duty lyin' is gonna be too much.  Hardest thing mos' school s'per'ntendents do is eat chocolate.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  WE ARE ASSIGNING TWO NEW MEMBERS TO YOUR SUB-COMMITTEE.  DR. BARBIE BOOMERETTE COMES TO US FROM PRINCETON MULTIVERSITY, AND IS AN EXPERT IN CHILDHOOD "EDUCATION".  DR. FRANK FURRTUR IS AN EXPERT IN CHILDHOOD PSYCHOSIS.  BAAL KNOWS WE NEED MORE OF THAT.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  All of us are glad to have Dr. Boomerette and Dr. Furrtur assigned to our sub-committee.  We know of Dr. Boomerette's outstanding work in developing "The Program for Truly Individual Handwriting".  She has reduced the writing of millions of students to indecipherable scrawls.  Dr. Furrtur, of course, needs no introduction.  He developed the "Furrtur Diagnosis" that allows guidance counselors, school bus drivers, and cafeteria workers to give mood altering drugs to any student, any time, after the classic "Furrtur Diagnosis" has been done.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Glad to have y'all with us, Frank 'n Barbie.   Barbie, makin' it impossible for the l'il bastards to write legibly has ruint millions of their worthless lives.  N' Dr. Furrtur, it's an honor to work with the person responsible for makin' the price of my drug stocks double in a month!

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  It's a privilege to serve with you.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  I should say it is!  Why, I've dreamed of lying for an actual sub-committee all my life.  I am so sick of just lying at a university, where such a limited number of people can be led astray.  Now, millions will be affected!  Oh, I've never been so happy, helping to make the lies for the New York Times and big media!   It's a dream come true, and. . .

Dr. Dr. Cody Pendant:  I, don't mean to interrupt, but I too, want to welcome you both.  It's nice to have our committee up to full strength, and I'm. . . .

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  WE NEED TO INTERRUPT YOUR INTRODUCTIONS.  UNIVERSITY CLIENTS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT MANY APPLICANTS ARE NOT GOING TO COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES BECAUSE "THEY WANT TO DO SOMETHING REAL."  THEY ALSO REPORT THAT MORE APPLICANTS WOULD "RATHER HAVE A REAL JOB THAN ACCUMULATE A LOT OF DEBT."  OUR CLIENTS WANT LIES, AND SOON!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah cain't b'lieve any of the fools are smart 'nuff to see thruw ahr pro-collitch propaganda!  Ah, mean, why would anyone in their right mind spend five or six years gettin' a degree that's outdated 'fore they get it?  We got to dumb 'em down better.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Do you think any of them have discovered that higher education is just a scam to make unemployment numbers looks good?

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  What?

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Sorry, Dr. Boomerette.  You've been working inside the lie for so long you don't realize that almost all of higher education is a government scam.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  Let me explain.  After WW2,  our predecessors realized that sticking millions of people in colleges and universities made the umemployment numbers look good because students don't count as "unemployed".  And, some people liked making other people spend four or five years learning what they should have known by the time they left high school. 

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  The people pretending to "teach" got addicted to making today's equivalent of a couple hundred thousand a year to work an hour or so a day for half a year.  What seemed to be a simple lie drew people like flies to a dead body.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  I had NO IDEA!  That's brilliant.  Most colleges and universities are just lies on top of lies.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Bricks and mortar, too.  Why, we make each working fool spend decades paying for endless uselessness.  The smarter field beasts are catching on, so we need a new and better set of lies to get more students in higher education.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  See how we've woven the lies into the language?  "Higher education" my hind end!  Why, the crap and drivel we feed them simply stuns their wretched little minds.  "Lower education" is more like it.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wal, that's all well and good, but we need some new lies 'n we need 'em now.  Ah'd sugges' we be tellin' the fools that "college helps maturity".

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  I like it because it isn't true.  Every good college encourages drinking, drug use, promiscuity, sleeping late, sports addiction, and avoiding reality.  They'll keep buying it!

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  My former specialty was using drugs to turn the smarter children into morons and get the well-behaved children so hyper they'd literally bounce off the walls.  More powerful drugs might be used to get students to sign binding contracts with colleges whereby they'd be legally obligated pay full tuition for four or five years, even if they didn't attend.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Would their parents stand for that?

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  Drug them, too!  I've seen the fools do things for oxycontin that you wouldn't believe!  Morphine, too.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  I have an idea!  You know how so many teachers like to sleep with students?  Let's have the teachers trade sex to kids who'll sign contracts to go to college!

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Barbie, that's such a great first lie that I can't believe you just started!  The students will like it!  The teachers will like it!  And, it doesn't cost anything!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm mighty impressed.  Formalizin' the process will give us the legal pow'r to enforce the contracts.

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  Before we run this upstairs for approval, I want to make sure we're on solid, moral ground.  Is there any way that having the teachers have sex with students can hurt us?  Legal problems?

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  A few teachers may not want to sleep with their students.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Fire 'em.  Replace them with prostitutes.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Weldon, a lot of 'em got tenure.  Might get sticky.  We might have to close the universities and reopen 'em as new entities.  That'd get rid of all the old contracts and speed the process up a lot."

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  That's a good idea, Dick.  We've been wanting to get all the colleges and universities renamed "Multiversities", anyway.  This would be a good way to get rid of all the good teachers. 

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Multiversities?  Like Kyoto?  What's wrong with "uni" versities?

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Well, "uni" is so, well, limiting.  Like there's only one universe.  A "Multi"versity sounds so much more diverse, so much healthier, and, as Mark said, re-incorporating them as legal entities lets us get rid of whatever good, decent professors are left. 

Dr. Cody Pendant:  The ideal "Multiversity" is multi-lingual, multi-sexual, multi-species, it's just a much healthier place.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Wal, it's not actshually "healthier", it can jus' be made to sound that way.  "A Multiversity education" will make "A university education" look limited, strait-jacketed, old-fashioned, out of date, wa'l, there's no end to the lies we can tell 'bout it.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  On top of that, we won't have to have a single instructor who can speak English.  The fools will just sit there for hours listening to unintelligible babble from illegal immigrants "because, they deserve a chance, too."  What fun it'll be.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  And, thanks to Dr. Barbie Boomerette, they won't be able to write down the little bits of unintelligible babble they do understand with anything but an illegible scraw.  This is progress!

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  YOU HAVE DEVELOPED A LONG TERM STRATEGY THAT IS WORKABLE.  WE NEED LIES FOR TODAY.   EVERY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT WHO GETS A REAL JOB INSTEAD OF WASTING YEARS IN 'HIGHER EDUCATION' IS A THREAT TO COLLEGE FUNDING.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  I've heard that some colleges are accepting high school dropouts.   Kids have figured out that their last year or so of high school is a total waste, and they're going straight to college.  That reduces the amount of time they spend under educational control.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Good point, Cody.  We've got to keep them under our thumb as long as we can.  When they leave high school early, our clients lose billions in state funding.  

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  My advice is to just drug the hell out of them.  Start prescribin' medication to any of these smart-assed kids until their brains turn into bubble gum.  Then, we'll get 'em on welfare or disability or something that immobilizes them until they're too old or useless to breed.

Dr.  Barbie Boomerette:  And, if schools are the only place that an addict can get drugs, they'll have to go to school.  More funding!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That'll work!  How we gonna get 'em drugged?

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  There's not a high school guidance counselor alive who can't get kids convinced that they "need a little medical help with their problems".  Every child has dozens of problems.  Underweight, overweight, lethargic, hyper-active.  As we get more kids on drugs, more of our problems are solved.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE.  INCREASED DRUGGING WILL ELIMINATE MORE INDEPENDENT THINKING, GENERATE PROFIT FOR CHEMICAL CLIENTS, WELFARE DEPARTMENTS, AND LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES.   DRUG ADDICTION CAUSES THEFT, WHICH LETS INSURANCE CLIENTS RAISE RATES.  NO DOWNSIDE RISKS AT ALL!  LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE HIT A HOME RUN!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm so glad our lies met wiffin yore 'proval.  You know, there's another way to keep 'em in school longer.  Start 'em younger.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Dr. Dudewell is exactly right.  We have gotten a lot of the l'il bastards going to all-day kindergarten.  That was easy, once we convinced each superintendent to get some parents who wanted free day care to demand it at school board meetings.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  Wonderful move!  It's good to get small groups of taxpayers to make their neighbors pay to benefit them.  It helps get neighbors to hate each other.

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  Now, we need part-time pre-kindergarten.  Then, full-time pre-kindergarten.  Then, to be "fair", we'll make it universal.  Our clients will make billions!  

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  After that, we'll need some lies for Multiversity Pre-Kindergarten Preparation Courses.  The l'il bastards'll have to start showing up when they're three!

Dr.  Barbie Boomerette:  Special buses!  They'll need to ride on special buses.  Tiny buses for tiny tots!  Tiny seats.  Tiny TVs.  And, counselors.  Ooooh, let's get midget counselors so they don't feel intimidated.  Midget bus monitors, too.  We'll need two or three tiny adults for each tiny bus. 

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  That's good, Barbie!  A whole new group of people utterly dependent on Public Education.  We could import a few hundred thousand pygmies.  Kill the rest. Mandate that "the shortest, darkest minorities" be given preferential treatment.  We'll have the whole pygmy market sewn up.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  We'll charge the districts a hundred dollars an hour for each pygmy, pay 'em minimum wage, and charge them rent for living in the school buses!  We'll make millions!

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  MEMBERS OF LIE COMMITTEES ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SET UP THEIR OWN AGENCIES.  OUR CLIENTS HAVE THE RIGHT TO BID ON ANY NEW PROGRAMS THAT MAY RESULT FROM YOUR FINE LIES.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  I know.  Sorry.  I just got carried away.  We are allowed to own stock in the companies that purchase our lies, and I am glad for that.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Don't forget seat belts!  We can't treat the three year olds better than the other students.  So, seat belts will be mandated for every seat on every bus.  It'll waste billions!

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  Frank, you may have new clients for us!  Retrofitters will have an endless oppportunity to bill thirty thousand school districts for million of dollars.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Let's make all the seat belts be made with the school colors!  We'll put the superintendent's photo on every buckle!  Get 'em used to obeying nameless bureaucrats.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Barbie, that's wonderful!  Each buckle on each seat on each bus will have to be expensively replaced every time every district gets a new superintendent.  Long term income make dependent clients for us.

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  Let's put a little chip in each buckle, so the picture repeats "I am your best friend." during the whole bus ride.  

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Let's get laws mandatin' that pictures of all the school board members be put on every bus, too!  It will make the mindless nincompoops feel soooo 'mportant!

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Let's put their pictures on the outside of the buses, too!  Then, they'll be so desperate to be re-elected they'll raise taxes as high as we want.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  They couldn't raise 'em that high!

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Of course not, but they'll raise 'em higher because they'd dread seeing an empty place where their picture used to be on every school bus in their district.  Dr. Sisthor, you've had a brilliant idea!  Play up to their insatiable vanity!  Keep school board members voting progressively!  Stealing from their neighbors!  Baal, what fools they are!

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Remember when we started putting brass plaques with school board member names on the wall of each new or remodelled building?  An architectural genius figured our that the more useless the bulding, the bigger the brass plaque should be!  The mindless fools just couldn't say "no."  Oh, the bond issues we passed!  The poverty we caused! 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah love school board members!  They's so conceited!  They loves seein' their names on brass plaques bigger'n billboards.  Ah enjoyed bein' a school board member.  Ah got me a couple honorary degrees outen it, got high-payin' jobs fer in-laws too dumb to flip burgers, 'n parleyed good lyin' all the way up to this here committee.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Dick, you've lied so well you've honestly earned you way onto all the committees!  To think, you owe all that, and all the members of your family with jobs, to serving on a school board!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Lak Ah allus say, America is the lan' of opportunity.  Any more ideas on lies for school buses?

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  EVER SINCE WE MANDATED BUSING A GENERATION OR SO AGO, SCHOOL BUSES HAVE BEEN AN OVERLOOKED AREA FOR NEW, PROFITABLE LIES.   THANK YOU FOR BRINGING IT TO OUR ATTENTION.  PLEASE CONTINUE WITH SCHOOL BUS LIES.   LIE OFTEN.  LIE WELL.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  A lot of districts aren't busing the children nearly as far as they should. 

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  That's awful!  Every child should be on a bus for at least two hours a day.  Each way.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  And, they should all be forced to listen to the loudest type of the latest music.  Let's think about calling the buses "Mobile Culture Centers. "

Dr.  Weldon Berger:  Very good, Barbie!  We can rot their minds from the minute they get on the bus until the minute they get off.  That's a real opportunity for our side.

Dr. Frank Furrter:  Should we put closed circuit TVs on the buses?  Show the latest rock concerts over and over loud enough to make their little ears bleed?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'd be concerned 'bout that.  Some smart-assed parent might suggest that iffin we're gonna put TeeVees on buses, we oughten to use 'em fer "education".  We cain't have that.  Why, on a couple of one hour bus trips a day, the kids'd learn way more'n we wan' 'em to.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Good point, Dick.  The right kind of program could teach them a lot more than they'd ever learn in one of our classrooms.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Iffin a few parents figgered out that fifty kids could learn more ridin' a dam' bus in a couple hours than five or ten of the l'il bastards could learn all day in a classroom with certified teechers n' a ha'f dozen aides, they might start to complain 'bout wastin' money.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  I never thought of that.   Why, with little tutorial screens mounted in front of each seat, the children could be learning an extra five or ten hours a week. 

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  Barbie, they wouldn't even need to go to a school!  They'd only need a few minimum-wage tutors!  They'd learn more riding around in the bus than they ever could in school.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Hope none of the field beasts think of that!  My Baal, Barbie, your idea just made most of the schools in the country unnecessary!  Still, "Bus-Learning" would have an advantage for our side.  If the teachers could go back to classroom snoozing all day.  It would be a well-deserved break for them.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  A welcome rest from their endless labors!  

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  I don't understand why the field beasts never thought of Bus-Learning?

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  They're mostly public school graduates.  They still believe half the crap we tell them.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They believes lots more'n that.  They believe 'most ever'thin' any of ahr committees tell 'em.  Nobody on earth as dumb as an American taxpayer wiffin kids in the public skools.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  We can't let them smarten up.  What if the l'il bastards started reading books on buses?  Doing homework?  We have to keep the buses as chaotic as we can. 

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Can we curtain off part of each bus for "Teen Privacy"?

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  That's a good idea!  Get 'em diseased and knocked up at the same time!  Big money for clients!

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Let's let them use the buses for band practice, too!  That'll keep anyone from doing useful studying.

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  And, marching!  They could march up and down the aisle beating drums, blowing tubas. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Sports practice, too.  Iffin they could toss a few balls back 'n forth on the buses, it'd teach 'em that music 'n sports are lots more 'portant than readin', writin' 'n arithmetic.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Let's have the buses divided into zones.  The rear of the buses would be a curtained-off "Teen Privacy Zone".  The middle of the bus would be for band practice.  Playing catch and sports activities would be in the front of the bus. 

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  That would cause more accidents, which would prove the need for seat belts!  See how it all ties in?

Dr. Frank Furrter:  And, a few hundred accidents would let us come up with lies to mandate smaller buses.  We'd have to hire two or three times more drivers.  Bus makers would pay us millions!  Unions, too!

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  And guards!  Armed guards!  Assistants for the drivers!  Why, we could raise taxes again and again.  "For The Children"!

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Great session!  Lets adjourn for awhile, 'n see iffin we can think up a whole bunch more lies for school buses!

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Good idea, Dick.  I've about lied myself to death.  Good job, everyone.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  EXCELLENT LYING!  AT YOUR NEXT SESSION, PLEASE BE PREPARED WITH MORE TRANSPORT LIES.  CLIENTS ARE EXCITED BY THE FINE WORK YOU'VE DONE.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  I hope you've all given some thought to additional lies to maximize income opportunities in busing.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah've had a wonnerful idea!  Ah found out that a lot of buses don' have air conditionin'.  That should be a crime. 

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Great discovery!  They probably don't have humidity control, either.  A series of lies about "Complete climate control.  Aren't The Children worth it?" should be broadcast.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Lots of the l'il bastards have asthma. All kinds of respiratory diseases.  Hyperactivity, Attention Deficit Disorder, all the imaginary diseases we've been using to sell billions of dollars worth of mind-altering drugs, they're all made worse by a lack of climate control on buses.

Dr.  Barbie Boomer:  Cody, what a wonderful lie!  And, we could mandate frequent air changes on the buses with a subsidiary set of lies about "Communicable diseases can be eliminated with better air purification on school buses.  We need to do it For The Children." 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah think y'all are geniuses!  Yessuh, absolute geniuses!  On top of that, frequent air changes mean bigger air conditioners and heaters, which'll make for bigger, more costly motors 'n buses 'n less milage.  We'll be able to raise taxes through the roof!

Dr.  Weldon Burger:  We'll need some studies to show that it will Help The Children.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Hell's fahr, Weldon.  We got studies comin' out our butts that'll justify anythin' we want Helpin' The dam' Children.  Let's recycle a few of 'em.

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  My background is drugging children into insensibility.  I suggest that we start drugging the l'il bastards the second they set foot on the school bus.  We'll zombify 'em first thing in the morning!  Maybe some really potent orange juice.  "Vitamin C for you and me!" we could call it.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  Then, we can give 'em a few uppers for a pick-me-up when we drop them off at night.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  If we drug the little bastards enough, we could just let them stay on the bus all day.  We don't even have to drive it around.  Have 'em sleep all day.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  The teachers would love it!  They hate the pressure of having to deal with the little bastards two or three hours a day.  With the kids out of the way, they'll have time for the pretend-creative work they love.  You know, multi-media lesson plans, interdepartmental curriculum planning, brain-dead crap like that.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  A lot of the teachers like to have sex with their students.  How will we provide children for them if the little bastards are all drugged up on the buses all day?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Tha's a mighty good question, Barbie.  Mebbe we jus' transfer the ones they want onto a special bus.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  We've already mandated that every district have lots of transportation for "Special Needs Students"  What need could be more "special" than the "needs" a lot of teachers have?

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  You know what?  We may not even need to drug the l'il bastards.  Let's explore putting holes in the exhaust systems and injecting the right amount of carbon monoxide into the buses.  We can meter accurately, and the carbon monoxide is free!

Dr. Weldon Burger:  We can charge for drugs we don't administer!  Frank, you have made the most truly brilliant suggestion I've ever heard!

Dr. Cody Pendant:  If they're passed out from carbon monoxide all day, they won't be eating anything!  We'll get to keep all the money we're wasting on school breakfasts, lunches, and Working Mommy Dinners.  We'll spend some it on administrative bonuses!

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Ah don' think they's a principal anywhere's what wouldn' be glad to see a couple hunnerd percent bonus for "Dietary Efficency".

Dr. Cody Pendant:  We'll make public education a teacher's dream.  Year-round vacations, not just six or seven months.  Their associations will love us!  They'll be able to triple their dues, and the teachers can pay with money from full-time outside jobs they'll finally have time for.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  That's right.  If there's no kids in the buildings, all those teachers would have an opportunity to get real jobs.  Not that they'd be able to do them, but when some of them find out how lazy and incompetent they are, they'll be doubly grateful for public education. 

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  They'll be properly appreciative of what we're doing for them!  Our clients could quadruple their dues.  Teachers'll know they have no choice but to pay, pay, pay!  How else can they make a living without working?

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  Won't the parents notice?  Some of the old-fashioned districts still have Pretend Open Houses, and allow parents into the buildings for a few minutes a year.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Nah.  Parents hate the people who's bleedin' 'em to death while keepin' their childrens illiterate.  They're so glad to get out of the buildin's they won't notice a thang.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  Where will we park hundreds of thousaands of buses full of doped and gassed kids all day?  Surely, someone would notice?

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  Park 'em outside museums, stadiums, bowlin' alleys, environmental centers, anywhere we want.  We'll just put "Field Trip" signs on them.  No one will notice.   Maybe fence in a few leased lots.  Make the windows out of one-way glass so's no one can see inside.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  What about the drivers?  Won't they tell?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Now, tha's a mighty hard question.  Iffen we drug the drivers, we'd have to have somebody go 'roun' 'n wake 'em up.  Nope.  Let's get drivers who already have jobs at Gummit agencies, like Immigration Control, where nobody knows or cares iffin anyone shows up. 

Dr. Cody Pendant:  No one with two gummit jobs that let's 'em get paid a couple hundred thousand a year for sleeping all day would ever squeal.

Dr. Weldon Berger:  Besides, who would they tell?  No TV station or newspaper would be allowed to report such a thing.  A few bloggers might complain, but so what?  As long as the carbon monoxide doesn't kill more'n a couple dozen busloads of kids a year, no one will notice.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  How many days would each student be drugged?  The whole week?

Dr. Weldon Berger:  That's a question for curriculum specialists.  We've got to be sure the little bastards can write their names, or make their mark, on the audited tests, but that's about it.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Druggin' 'em the whole week'd be ideal, but Ah don' know iffen we could get away wiffin it.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Won't the teachers want us to at least get them Drugged, Gassed, and Parked on Mondays and Fridays? 

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  Good point, Barbie.  Let's call the program D-GAP to abbreviate the way you put it, Drugged, Gassed, And Parked.  Progressive teachers do need longer weekends to recuperate from sleeping all week.  D-GAP can give teachers the extra, student-free time they need.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  I don't think it's going to be easy to hide thousands of school busses full of kids every day.  Maybe we should just drug students from different schools on different days.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  But, that would mean that some of the teachers might have to work, oh, I don't know off the top of my head, two or three days a week?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah wouldn't 'xactly call what they preten' to do "work", but it might be too much fer 'em.  How many days they puttin' in now?

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  In some of the primitive districts, teachers are sometimes forced to work, well, not work, but show up at their buildings, three, even four days a week.  In the progressive districts, where the substitutes have formed their own political organizations, it's illegal for full-time teachers to work more than two or three days.

NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  OUR LARGEST CLIENT IS VERY INTERESTED IN THE D-GAP PROGRAM.  BY DRUGGING, GASSING, AND PARKING THE SMALL FIELD BEASTS, VAST SUMS OF MONEY CAN BE DIVERTED INTO SALARIES, BENEFITS, AND PENSIONS.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  Looks like we've come up with a real winner!  Congratulations to all of you.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Mah goodness!  Ah thank we've made public education hist'ry!  We don' need nobody hardly workin' a'tall.  Not that we don' already have that, but, wal, it's jes' better, now.  'N, we maintains ahr fundin'!

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Frankly, we don't even need schools, any more.  We can just use projectors to show pictures of schools along the roads.  Or, make cheap, inflatable school-like structures and inflate them after bond issues.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Wonderful idea!  We could also put high, concrete fences around the schools, and hire people to drive buses full of child mannikins in and out to look busy.  The actual children would be D-GAPed at offsite locations.

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  What about parent-teacher conferences?  Do schools still have them?

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  We could just have the parent pull up to a tv camera on a drive through, and use a teacher-mannikin to recite, "Your child needs more quality time with alternative-lifestyle authority figures.", or whatever group has paid us for advertising.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  That'd work real well!  Parents hate goin' into school buildin's cause it takes so much time for 'em to be strip-searched.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  Do all people going into every school building have to be strip-searched?

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  They do in the progressive schools!  In the really-progressive districts, the unions are still under the tight control of actual Marxists.  Even the children are being strip-searched.  Body cavities, too!

Dr. Weldon Burger:  What an amazing accomplishment!  Who does the actual searching?

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Wal, Ah'll tell ya, it works lak a charm!  We get friendly judges to sentence child molesters to a few thousand hours of community service.  Y'all can guess the rest.

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  We get free strip searchers and make another powerful interest group grateful to public education.  What a winning idea!

Dr. Weldon Burger:  Those molesters might be a good group to use for driving the D-GAP buses!  Nothin' a child molester likes more than a lot of passed-out children in a locked bus!

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  What about workman's comp?

Dr. Weldon Burger:  What about it?

Dr.  Barbie Boomerette:  Well, if the child molester passed out, fell down, and hit his head, wouldn't the School District be liable?  With all the carbon monoxide in an eclosed bus, there's a very real safety issue for the molester.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  Good insight, Barbie.  We'll have to issue gas masks to them.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They'll lak that!  They love dressin' up!

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  I've got a lie that needs some work.  The school buses have all kinds of bright, strobe lights on the tops of the buses.  If we mandated that the entire bus be lit up like a giant, blinding strobe light, we could tell the fools that the chilren were safer.

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  That's a good lie!  The bus could be so blindingly bright, searchlights probing in all directions, that other vehicles would drive off road, just to get away form it.

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  Let's not stop with blinding lights!  Let's put huge, powerful klaxons on each bus.  Have them emit deafening noises and blinding light at the same time!

Dr.  Barbie Boomerette:  It's for The Children!

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  THE MORE PRIMITIVE PARENTS ARE COMPLAINING THAT THE CHILDREN AREN'T LEARNING.  THEY WANT MORE HOMEWORK.  WE NEED APPROPRIATE LIES.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  First of all, it's simply awful that any fool of a parent thinks it can tell how well a child is learning.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Arrogant bastards!  It's bad enough that they get to have the children.  Now, they think that gives them the right to tell a Public School Teacher what to do!

Dr. Cody Pendant:  I'm glad we've gotten involved.  I, personally, hate homework.  As a child, I had to memorize multiplication tables, and I, well, I've never gotten over it.

Dr.  Barbie Boomerette:  You poor man!  It's just wrong to force a sensitive person to go through such an ordeal.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  It was awful.  I can still say the whole multiplication tables: 

                                           "Two times two is four,

                                            "three times three is more." 

All that memorizing they made me do was child abuse, pure and simple.

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  No one should have to memorize all that!  To avoid intellectually abusing children like that, we should only assign homework like group sex, needle-sharing, all the things that make life worthwhile.  Or, flatly refuse to assign it all.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah thank y'all shuld be tellin' 'em that it hain't raht to give assignments to any child less'n ever' child has an "equally good place to do homework."

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  That's wonderful!  There's always some rich kid with a private library, and it's not fair to expect a poor child to do as well studying on a dining room table.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  No, it isn't!  Poor children have rights, too!

Dr. Weldon Burger:  We need something more.  What if some uppity l'il bastard did work on his own?  The l'il bastard might get ahead of his classmates!

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  That wouldn't be fair!  Not fair at all!  We should make that sort of thing illegal.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Now, how's we gonna make it illegal to read 'n write at home?

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  We'll need inspectors.  TV monitors.  If every child were monitored every day, we could make sure the l'il bastards couldn't study.  No one could get ahead of the group.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  Oh, the joy!  We'll be able to have a bell curve with no smart people on the right side of it.  Except us.  It should be illegal to have a bell curve that shows anyone below average!

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  A fair society is one where it doesn't pay to be too smart.  I'd like the Bell Curve to be shaped like the Washington Monument.  Except, thinner.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  What a great goal!  Let's have the Congressoids pass a law.  First, we'll make it illegal to do homework.  Or, to study outside of school.  Then, we'll get funding for HIs.  Homework Inspectors.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  There's a small problem.  Libraries.  What's to stop the l'il bastards from going to libraries to study?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ain't we already gotten all the books outen the lib'aries?  Shouldn't be nuffin' left in 'em to read.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  Dick, I regret to say that we haven't been able to completely de-book all the libraries.  Some of the libraries still have acutal books.  Magazines, too.

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  Someone failed.  Failed miserably.  Why, it was just a year or so ago that we began making it illegal for libraries to have books.  School libraries should be a place for games, awareness seminars, and "private spaces" for teachers who feel a need to be close to their students.  Libraries aren't for books, any more.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Well, there were some exceptions that I remember reading about before I got onto this committee.  Books that passed committees were allowed.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  That's right.  There are a lot of retired leftists who've blown all their money on drugs, gambling, and prostitutes.  We let them sell books to libraries to get enough money to live on.

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  How's that working out?  I mean, can any of those people actually write?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  'Course not.  They jes' ramble in front of a tape recorder.  We get people on prison release to write down what they say, type it up right, print up a coupla truckloads in prison printshops, and send 'em to lib'aries 'n bookstores. 

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  Does anyone read that uspeakable drivel?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  How should I know.  Ah gets me a truckload ever' now'n then.  Ah soaks 'em in diesel fuel fer heatin' my huntin' cabin.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  I didn't know you were a hunter!  I've always wanted to hunt.

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  What do you hunt, Dick?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Mos'ly, Ah hunt fer purty gals who lak spendin' time in mountain cabins. 

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR. DUDEWELL, IT SOUNDS AS IF YOU ARE MAKING IMPROPER ADVANCES TO DR. BARBIE BOOMERETTE.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah swear, Ah ain' doin' no sech thang.  I's jes tryin' to be nice, tha's all.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  I'm quite sure that I wouldn't be interested.  I have better things to do than spend next weekend in some remote mountain cabin.  Just how far away is that cabin of yours, Dick?

Dr. Weldon Burger:  I think THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has made it plain that such concerns are not appropriate to this committee.  While we're talking about school libraries, we should see if there are any over-looked lies for them.

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  Today the whole idea of a school library is a big, fat lie.  At least the libraries don't have books any more.  Most of them have bookpaper, you know that wallpaper that looks like the backs of books? 

Dr.  Barbie Boomerette:  They put that in my library!  It looked so much nicer than the real books, and it didn't make you feel bad if you couldn't read.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  How true!  I remember seeing all those unread books, and feeling so very, very inadequate.  When they put bookpaper on the wall, I felt so much better about myself.  No more guilt.  No anguish.  I was happy with myself for the first time.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  You know, none of us realized how unread books made us feel quilty.  They're just a reminder of all the things we don't know.  I think we should burn all the libraries.  You know, like the Moslems did at Alexandria.  Depriving themselves of a literary past hasn't hurt them at all.

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  It surely hasn't!  I'd rather have a desert full of oil and a couple of dozen wives than all the books in the world!

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  That's a disgustingly sexist comment!  You don't hear me saying I'd like a couple of dozen husbands!  Why, THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has told me that I can't even talk, yes, I mean TALK to Dr. Dudewell about his mountain cabin, and that same committee doesn't say a word when you talk about your multi-wife fantasy!

NOTE FROM THE EXEUCTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR. BOOMERETTE, YOU MAY NOT BE AWARE THAT OUR COMMMITTEE ACCEPTS MANY, MANY COMMISSIONS FROM COUNTRIES WHERE POLYGAMY IS WIDELY PRACTICED.  WHEN WE BEGIN TO GET COMMISSIONS FROM COUNTRIES WHERE POLYANDRY IS COMMON, WE WILL REVISIT THE ISSUE.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  (whispers to Dr. Boomerette)  It hain't fair, Ah tell yuh, it jus' hain't fair!"

Dr. Weldon Burger:  Well, I hope that we've put all that behind us!  After all, we are here to serve our customers, and our customers would like to see more lies about the overly overlooked school libraries.

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  It's wonderful that we've gotten the books out of them.  What about the card catalogues?

Dr.  Barbie Boomerette:  They have catalogues for cards?

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah don' thank they's fer cards lak yer thankin' of, ace, kang, kween, n' so on.

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  Of course not!  Each library book has cards, so people can find out where the books are in the library.  The cards are kept in a card catalogue.  It's a big box full of drawers.  The drawers are full of cards.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  How do you find the card you want?

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  They're put in alphabetically.

Dr. Cody Pendant:  So, how do you find the card you want?

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Who cares?  Who would care about enough about a book to look for one?

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  No one, anymore.  That's why we're getting rid of the card catalogues. 

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah've been burnin' 'em up along wiffin the diesel-soaked books to heat mah cabin in the mountains.  Iffin it warn't fer lib'aries, Ah'd a had to bring in a lot o' fahrwud.  Y'all kin get free books fer burnin' ever'time they rem'del a lib'ary.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Just how big is this cabin of yours, Dick.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah convurted it frum an abandoned strip mall.  I use an ol' Piggly Wiggly store fer mah livin' rume.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  That sounds charming.

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  Could we get back to business?  I have a question.  If we get rid of the books, and we get rid of the card catalogues, what does the librarian do all day?

Dr.  Weldon Burger:  Mark, I am shocked!  Shocked!  Who are we to suggest that another human being should spend his, her, or its' time doing anything he, she, or it may not want to do?

Dr.  Frank Furrtur:  That's right Mark.  We are to be sure, very sure, that we free our fellow working creatures from work.  It certainly isn't our job to turn them into slaves, again.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Mark, would you like it if someone told you what you had to do every day?  Why, you'd feel like a common field beast!

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  These are sensitive human beings, much like ourselves, only dumber.  They can't be expected to do anything useful.  And, they are librarians.  It has forever been their job to help people find things.  Can you think of anything so demeaning?  What possible concern should a skilled public servant have about whether or not some simple field beast can FIND anything?

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  I am so very, very sorry.  And, ashamed.  Yes, ashamed.  I should have known.  I, well, I just forgot that we don't dare criticize anyone who is working for any governmental unit.  I must admit that, well, I thought they were people who were supposed to help.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Mark, Ah've made the same mistake, mahse'f.  Ah'm jes' as ashamed as y'all.  Thinkin' they should be busy, wal, Ah say, let 'em sleep.  Put murphy beds back inter the stacks.  Sleepin' bags on the sofas.  There's a lot of thangs that don' need to be done, 'n lib'aries are the place to not be doin' it!

Dr. Weldon Burger:  And, of all the libraries in the world, school libraries are the most useless.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  CLIENTS ARE CONCERNED THAT TOO MANY CHILD MOLESTERS ARE BEING ARRESTED.  THAT MEANS TOO MANY CHILDREN ARE NOT BEING MOLESTED, AND THAT THERE WILL BE FEWER HOMOSEXUALS IN YEARS TO COME.  CLIENTS WANT LIES THAT SCHOOLS CAN USE TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  This is the sort of thing we can get our teeth into. 

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  It sure is.  These kind of lies are quick, easy, and fun.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  They shore are.  Why, Ah thank Ah got a lie alreddy.  What we kin do is tell the field beasts that "It hain't raht to live reel long 'n take up too much Social Security."

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  That's so true.  So very, very true.  Since most homosexuals die before they're forty five or fifty, that means they pay into Social Security for twenty or thirty years and get absolutely nothing out of it.

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  Too bad we can't get them to live to fifty five or sixty.  We could get  another decade or so of payments out of them.

Dr.  Barbie Boomerette:  What a waste.  Isn't there anything we can do to get them to live just a few years more?

Dr.  Weldon Burger:  We do have clients who are selling VERY expensive medicine to homosexuals.  They calculated that they can get the most money by making them, and government contributions, kick in a million or so dollars to keep them alive, what was that slogan:  "Go from forty to forty four or fight!"! 

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  There was a war about that, a hundred years or so ago, wasn't there?  "Forty to forty four, or fight"?  Something like that.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Mark, y'all is so far off on that Ah cain't begin to strayten it out.  But, y'all are raht 'bout one thang, the fools do lak rhymin' slogans.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  Barbie, it makes no sense.  But, I guess it doesn't have to.  If we can get them to work another ten years, each of them will fatten the social security pot by another half million dollars, and still get nothing out of it.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  CLIENTS NOW CALCULATE THAT THEY CAN GET MORE MONEY OUT OF HOMOSEXUALS BY LETTING THEM LIVE UNTIL THEY'RE SIXTY.  YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS TO GET THE SCHOOLS TO MAKE UP FOR THE SHORTAGE OF CHILD MOLESTERS.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  So, our official job is to replace child molesters.  We've got to get the kids involved in destructive activity that'll let 'em go on working and paying taxes, then dying just before they start drawing their Social Security.

Dr.  Mark Sisthor: Let's get the school children believing that dying early is a duty.  A duty to others.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  That's all true.  Good, too.  But, I think THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE wants us to do something to get the kids hooked on homosexuality even though there's fewer molesters molesting them.

NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:  DR. BOOMERETTE, THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  So, we should start to glorify homosexuality.  Make homosexuals into folk heroes.  "Bravely fighting for sexual freedom", a lot of mindless crap like that's what we need.

Dr. Mark Sisthor:  Most of 'em don't even know they have souls that can be lost.  So, we want the schoolchildren to focus on their minds, then their bodies.  Then, they can't argue with our encouragement of early death.  They die young, and Social Security will look like it's solvent.  The fools won't complain about paying into it.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  We've got to get busy.  We've got to get these kids to pervert themselves.  We've talked about library porn, and we're all for that.  How about getting child molesters hired?  Not just as gym teachers and band directors, but as regular teachers who are thought to know things?

Dr.  Cody Pendant:  We do have complete control of Teacher Certification.  We should make it illegal to certify or hire hetrerosexuals.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'd agree wiffin you in principle.  But, Ah know that Ah've got a whole passel o' relatives who're desperate wiffin a capital D to git a teachin' job.  They ain't sofisticated enuf to go 'long wiffin this.

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  I think we should hold firm.  What's the point of having certification if we can't certify whom we want? 

Dr. Weldon Burger:  A compromise position would be to only certify people who took a "Values Free" oath.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Oh, I took one of those to get into Princeton Multiversity.  How did it go? "I promise to never promise any promise that makes any promises, except this one, and I promise not to take it seriously.", or something like that.  We all swore to uphold that, as long as we didn't have to compromise any principles.

Dr.  Dick Dudewell:  Tha's a mitey fine promise.  Sounds reel perfessional.  Ah lak it a lot.  Mah relatives, they won' mind takin' a good, sound loy'lty oath lak that.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  I think we can all agree that it's a wonderful promise.  Keep us from hiring any more good teachers.  But, let's get back to, what should we call it, "do-it-your self corruption"?

Dr. Cody Pendant:  If we're going to be short-handed, and at the rate they're arresting child molesters, that's what we're going to be, then we have no other choice.

Dr.  Mark Sisthor:  We'll make homosexual behavior seem modern, self-fulfilling, and adventurous.  You know, like "Will and Grace" on TV.  But, more heroic, somehow.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  Ah'm tellin' y'all, y'all got to make urly death seem romantic.  'Xcitin'.  'Member how the English'd get pipple to enlist 'n march into machine guns?

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  I remember! "Let this stinking hole where my needlessly shot up body is decaying be thought of forever as a little piece of England."

Dr. Weldon Burger:  Absolute tommyrot.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  But, it wurked!  Miles 'n miles of soldjers marchin' right into each others' machine guns.  Furst the English.  Then, the Gurmans.  Took turns solvin' their unemployment problems fas'!

Dr. Cody Pendant:  So, we convince the students that it's good to infect each other.  "Real men don't use condoms!"

Dr. Weldon Burger:  There are some real possibilities.  Frank, you've been quieter than usual.

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  Well, I've been concentrating more on the certification issue.  There are still plenty of molesters out there, and we've got to get them into the classroom.  Once they're there, they'll know what to do.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  There's a problem with getting them to stay in the colleges, paying tuition for six or eight years.  It's no problem passing the teacher exams.  They're so dumbed-down that we have chimps teaching in a lot of schools.  But, nothing beats a hardened child molester in a classroom.  They know what to do.

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  They shore do.  Affer all, it was done to them!

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  You know, the real problem is that we have too many policemen.  When we had fewer policemen, they could pretend to be busy fighting crime.  Then, the dam' field beasts made them actually put criminals in jail.  Crime dropped, and the police had to do something.

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  So, the police went after child molesters?

Dr. Barbie Boomerette:  Well, they did have all these laws on the books, and the extra police thought they had to so something, so. . .

Dr. Dick Dudewell:  So, now we got too many unmolested kids.  Tha's what.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  I have an idea.  Let's get the schools to use official calenders.  You know, have special months, weeks, and days to celebrate heroic moments in homosexual history.

Dr. Frank Furrtur:  You know, I think maybe we shouldn't call it "Homosexual History", but "Non-Hetero History".  Tell them what they aren't, rather than what they are.

Dr. Barbie Boomerette: I love it.  Not because it makes any sense, but because it's the sort of mindless boobery that we can get the very dumbest, vilest people who call themselves "concerned citizens" to center endless pseudo-intellectual discussions around.

Dr. Weldon Burger:  Right you are, Barbie!  Pinkitarians, Zenistros, Unifairians, all the dea